Motionless
by eilatansayah
Summary: The final Chapter.
1. Chapter 1

**Hay everyone. So I have been determined to rewrite history as I've not been that happy with the direction of Jackson and Aaron from the beginning. I especially didn't understand the crash – give it to someone else and let us get to see the relationship between the two boys blossom. **

**However the last couple of episodes of Emmerdale have changed my mind, I'm still not sure that it's the best message – that someone with a disability feels worthless to the extent of assisted suicide but with the way the last few episodes have been written and acted I can't help but love this storyline.**

**However this ends I'm sure it will be beautifully and delicately handled and below are my two pennies worth.**

They were at Dale Head, just like always. A month ago Jackson had refused to leave and it had been like that ever since. These days you were lucky if you could convince him to be out of bed, to shower, to shave.

This morning he was pretending to be a sleep, he'd gotten good at that, keeping his breathing even and his eyes still beneath their lids. It had taken Aaron a while to realise but now he could read the signs clearly.

So he sat watching Jackson, waiting for him to get bored and open his eyes. Hazel had gone out, she was struggling to cope – earlier Jackson had spat his breakfast out. Jackson couldn't stand having her around; he'd scream at her and call her awful names which he didn't mean. He was just desperately trying to push those who cared about him away. It was his latest plan as begging hadn't got him anywhere.

Aaron stayed sat; he wasn't giving in to Jackson. Eventually Jackson opened his eyes.

"What you doing here?" Jackson forced out the words, it was as if he felt that even talking was a waste of time.

"I want to clean you up."

"I don't want to be cleaned up."

Aaron ignored him and reached for the buttons on Jackson's top. Jackson stared resolutely at the ceiling "You touch me and I'll scream".

Aaron dropped his hands away.

"What you doing here anyway, you've got work."

"I'm taking some time off."

Jackson scoffed; it was mirthless "What to teach me the meaning of life?"

Aaron shrugged and sat back down, days like this he was at a complete loss. A few months ago Aaron had snooped through Jackson's video diaries and discovered that Jackson wanted to end his life, from that day everything started going downhill at an alarming rate. At first Jackson had been willing to try counselling and had been put on antidepressants, but this hadn't improved things.

"You should go."

"I can't leave you."

Jackson sneered at him "It's not like anything's gonna happen to me is it!"

"Ok." Aaron gently conceded, he got up slowly, giving Jackson plenty of time to change his mind. He did that sometimes; sometimes he was scared of how vulnerable he was whilst alone.

Aaron left through the back door and slide down it; he wasn't going to leave until Hazel had returned, she needed to clear her head and he didn't know how long it would be before she returned.

It had been like this for ages, Jackson was refusing to do even the simplest things, he wouldn't smile and often wouldn't even acknowledge you. He wanted to die and nothing that anybody said could get through to him. Most nights Aaron would lie in bed, crying himself to sleep.

"I know your still there." Jackson called from the other side of the door.

Aaron leaned his head back "Can I come back in?" he asked softly but hopefully.

There was a moment of pause

"Yeah."

He stood up and gingerly opened the door; Jackson was looking straight at him.

"You always do what I ask you".

Aaron raised his eyebrows confused "Is that a bad thing?"

Jackson closed his eyes for a second "You never used too; I couldn't get you to listen to me."

Aaron nodded; he knew how difficult he could be.

"You never used to do lots of things."

Aaron bit his bottom lip, looking at Jackson – he looked so weary and small, Jackson hadn't been eating and it was starting to show.

"You know, the only time you would let me hold you was just after sex, only then."

Aaron pulled up the chair to sit closer to the bed; he waited for Jackson to continue.

"It only ever lasted until one of us moved out of bed. I hated that, the moment when you went and got a drink or wanted to watch telly." Jackson scrunched up his eyes "Sometimes I needed the toilet but I knew by the time I got back – you'd of shifted away from me and the intimacy would be over."

Aaron placed his hand over Jackson's "I'm sorry." he whispered

"I know why you did it. You thought it made you less of a man."

Aaron snorted softly, shaking his head – that's exactly why he wasted their first few months together.

Jackson continued "Sometimes at first it was hard to like you, but then once, we were in your bedroom listening to a CD, it was early evening and we were avoiding my Mum and Paddy". Jackson turned his head and looked at Aaron "Do you remember when I mean?"

Aaron shook his head.

"We were listening to Kashmir by Led Zeppelin, I don't even know why. We were both lying down on the bed and for some reason, completely out of the blue; you laid your arm across my stomach and rested your head on my chest. That was the only time. We laid like that for the rest of the 8 minute track and by the end I knew I loved you."

Aaron closed his eyes, he couldn't remember that and he felt sick, tears began to fall. He took a shaky breath.

"I didn't always know that I loved you Jackson, but I always _knew_ I couldn't live without you."

Jackson rolled his head towards his hand where Aaron's lay on top, he didn't feel it.

"Jackson, _please_ don't make me live without you."

Jackson looked at Aaron, tears were streaming down his face.

"You can change my top".

**Probably to be continued...**


	2. Chapter 2

**Ok so this is fairly depressing – you have been warned.**

When Hazel entered Dale Head she hadn't known what she would find. Earlier she'd had to leave, Jackson had spat his breakfast out and he hadn't let her clean him up. She'd sat in the cricket pavilion for half hour, trying to remain completely numb because if she had any thoughts they might include not returning.

Things with Jackson were unbearable; he was refusing even the simplest of care and in-between that he would alternate by screaming at her then at Aaron and back to her. He'd take in in turns alienating both of them and today it was her, but she couldn't stay away and mostly it was because she didn't want to.

When she walked in Jackson was changed but still in bed, Aaron was sat next to it, his head was rested on Jackson's stomach and he had an arm draped across him, Jackson's hand was resting against Aaron's face. Aaron must have placed it there.

Jackson opened his eyes to look at Hazel, she didn't know what she would get –hostility or welcome.

Aaron shifted and sat up "Hi Hazel."

There was intensity in the room; it had been a long time since Hazel would bound around exuberantly, chatting and fussing. Now a days every exchange started like this – with a terrible tension, everyone waiting for Jackson to set the tone.

Jackson just looked at her, the ugly sneer to his face had vanished and he looked tired, his earlier screams to get her out of the house wearing him down.

Hazel smiled wearily "Can I come in?"

Jackson licked his lips "Cause you can." And she smiled a genuine smile.

"Mum, I'm sorry about earlier." Jackson sounded so weak when he spoke; it was a crazy contrast to how he sounded when he was screaming at her. Sometimes Aaron would ask Hazel about certain arguments –he'd know about them because Cain and Debbie could hear them through the walls. They were concerned, everyone in the village was concerned – they all knew.

Aaron shifted beside Jackson "Why don't I go and get some breakfast from the café – I could get some Bacon sandwiches'?" Both Aaron and Hazel looked towards Jackson hopefully, Jackson closed his eyes.

"I'm not hungry."

"I won't buy you one; you can share with me – please."

Jackson looked at Aaron, he looked so sad and desperate, and he didn't have the energy to argue so gave in.

Aaron gave him a quick kiss "I won't be long."

Once the front door clicked shut complete silence descended, Hazel was still on the edge of the room

"I'll eat some of the sandwich," he said quiet but reassuringly, this gave Hazel the confidence to move towards him.

She looked around; the place was a bit of a mess. There was a small bowl of water on the floor from Aaron having to clean the food off Jackson's face and arms, inside there was a cloth draped over the edge onto the floor, it had caused a small puddle. The t-shirt Jackson had on before was thrown over a chair and Aaron had clearly been out the back for some reason – he had walked mud into the house.

"That boyfriend of yours," She started "Hardly a domestic god is he." She grinned at Jackson, hoping he would match it, he did.

"You know Aaron – if he was stood in an empty room he could still get it into a state."

She smiled at him again and began to move around the room tidying up

"I see your wearing the top I brought back from Jamaica." It had an image of the island coloured like the flag; it was the last destination she visited before Jackson's accident. "Decided it's not so bad huh?"

Jackson sighed deeply, "Aaron picked it – I told him I didn't care what he got."

This stopped Hazel, it was another indication of Jackson's depression –he didn't choose what he wore, what he ate. 3 weeks ago he had fired his career Joe because Joe wouldn't pick out a shirt.

The room remained quiet as Hazel tidied.

"Where would you have gone next?"

Hazel straightened not understanding.

"I mean when you went off again – what country would it have been?"

"I didn't want to go anywhere, I wanted to stay in the village – you know that." Hazel didn't want to carry on this line of conversation.

"Nah – you would have gone again, probably around now." Jackson rolled his head to look Hazel in the face "where do you want to go next?"

Hazel looked at him, she knew what he was doing, he was negotiating, begging and screaming hadn't worked so now they were back to conversation. Tears sprung to her eyes.

"Shut up Jackson."

"You and Aaron wiping food off my chin all day long, what a waste of life."

"Shut up."

"You'd not started Asia yet – maybe you would have gone there?"

A tear rolled down Hazel's cheek "You could go to those places, if you wanted to – you can do anything."

Jackson shook his head wearily "Not without someone there to feed me or to change my bag – I can't imagine that the temples in Thailand are wheelchair accessible."

Hazel sat down heavily, what could she say to that that hadn't already been said?

"Maybe Buddhist monks would carry me?" and he snorted mirthlessly.


	3. Chapter 3

Aaron stood against the café counter, he had just ordered the bacon sandwiches' from Brenda and was waiting for them, he'd started reading one of the special boards to occupy is time but he couldn't focus on the words – they kept blurring.

"Are you alright love?"

Aaron turned to look at Brenda, her features were full of concern –she wasn't displaying the usual nosy attitude that she usually did. Everyone was so nice to him these days; there was a time when this woman would have kept one eye on him, making sure that he didn't nick any food from the counter.

"Aaron?" she prompted gently

"Yeah." He nodded

"How's Jackson?" everyone know how depressed Jackson was. At some point before he had put himself under house arrest they had all had a run in with him – seen how depressed he was. His absence from the village was keenly felt.

Aaron nodded his head; it was the only answer he could give, the door open next to him.

"Aaron, you alright mate?" It was Adam; he hadn't seen him for over a week.

Adam had Mia in tow; they'd been a couple for the last four months and were inseparable. Whenever Aaron saw them they were entwined in some way - still in that loved up period. Aaron and Jackson never had that.

Aaron thought he smiled at Adam but it was small and could have be mistaken for be absent.

Adam let go of Mia's hand, concern splashed across his face.

"Aaron?" Aaron looked at Adam – the guy always seemed so bright and a cheeky smile was never far away, he'd never known how to be like that.

Aaron blinked "Sorry, miles away." He watched Adam exchange a worried glance with Mia. There was a time where Adam would have asked him straight what was wrong, but now he didn't have to because the answer was always Jackson.

Mia interjected "You gonna join us for a coffee?" He didn't know Mia that well, he probably would have if he and Jackson had been out and about like a normal couple. He liked her though.

"I'm getting bacon sandwiches', taking them to Dale Head."

Mia smiled at him "Doesn't mean you can't have a coffee first."

"They'll get cold."

Brenda had stayed by the counter and watched the whole interaction "I'll take the bacon off the grill and put it back on in a bit, if you like?" Everyone was so kind to him now; couldn't they remember what he could be like?

"Come on mate – coffee's on me."

Aaron stood for a second scratching his head, he didn't know. Jackson had promised to eat something and he didn't want him to give him enough time to change his mind.

Adam didn't give Aaron an option, he steered him to a table "Brenda, could you give us 5 minutes and then finish the sandwiches' and I'll have two coffees and a cappuccino."

Aaron didn't argue, these days he was struggling to decide things for the best, he was slow to respond and people had started making decisions for him, everything with Jackson was such a daily battle that the outside world could do what they wanted with him.

Aaron sat across from the two of them, there were both staring at him intently, Aaron couldn't imagine how he looked.

"Did you sleep last night?" He'd had never had a friend like Adam before, all his other mates had been about messy around and having a laugh. But Adam cared, he did things that only family members should do, like call round with some left overs just to make sure you were eating.

Aaron nodded, he was too exhausted to be honest and begin a whole conversation.

"Really – cause you look like shit."

"Leave me alone Adam." He didn't want to talk about it

Mia leant forward and put her hand on Aaron's arm "It's my birthday at the end of the week remember, you are coming?"

Aaron looked at her surprised "did you bring it forward? You told me it was a month away."

Mia exchanged a look with Adam "Er, I told you a month ago."

Aaron looked at her confused, a whole month had gone by since that conversation – he only remembered it because it was one of the last times that Jackson had gone to the pub.

"Doesn't time fly….." he replied humourlessly.

They exchange a look for a third time.

"Stop looking at each other like that – I'm not blind, I'm sat right in front of you."

"Really?" Adam said pointedly "because the way you are lately, I'm not sure you have a clue what's going on!"

Aaron felt irritable "Leave it Adam."

Adam matched him "No. Look at you Aaron, how long is this gonna go on…" he trailed off understanding how he sounded.

Aaron seethed "I don't know – how long is Jackson gonna be in a wheel chair?"

Brenda interrupted. "Aaron, I've put those sandwiches' on, they'll be ready in five minutes."

"Thanks" he said, not meeting her eyes. The look on her face said she knew that she had interrupted something serious, although everything with Aaron was now serious. She left and they sat silently for a moment.

Mia still had her hand on Aaron's arm "That's not what Adam meant; maybe you need to take a step back."

Aaron shifted his arm away from her "I'm not leaving him!" the thought made him sick.

"No one's saying that, we know how much Jackson means to you. We mean step back and try and approach things differently."

Adam interjected "Aaron, how is you being ill gonna help Jackson?"

Aaron stared at the table top, I thought that he was going to cry. He didn't want to listen to Adam or to Mia, he was so tired and scared and he couldn't find the right answers and he didn't see how anyone else could.

"Aaron?" Adam tried softly.

Aaron could see Brenda wrapping the sandwiches up in foil.

"I've gotta get back."

"You've not finished your coffee yet."

Aaron looked down at it, he'd barely touched it. He looked up at Adam and Mia; they didn't have any problems – that should have been him and Jackson.

"You have it."

Mia reached round the table and gave him a gentle hug, it was too much for Aaron, the earlier tears that threatened were on the verge of streaming down his face, he couldn't speak and he couldn't look at them.

"Bye." It was a one syllable word and he barely managed it without his voice cracking.

"Aaron." Mia began but he was grabbing the sandwiches and leaving before the tears fell harder – he couldn't even manage thanking Brenda.


	4. Chapter 4

Aaron sat himself down on the sofa and took a tentative sip of his coffee, upstairs he could hear Paddy and Rhona making a fuss of the baby, Aaron wasn't sure why they bothered the baby was so young that she barely opened her eyes to them.

Aaron laid his head back against the sofa and closed his eyes, he never heard the baby – she never cried, but he told Jackson she did otherwise he wouldn't let Aaron stay.

He heard Paddy coming down the stairs and then felt his presence at the living room door. "Hay Aaron, didn't realise you were here."

Aaron lulled his head in Paddy's direction "Just came for a shower and a change of clothes."

"You not expected at the garage? It's getting late."

Aaron checked his watch it was 11.30 "Erm no, I've taken a few days off."

Paddy looked at Aaron, he could see by his exhausted face that this was not about taking a break.

"What's going on?"

Aaron sighed warily "Nothing."

"How's Jackson?" Paddy hadn't seen the man for over a week. He and Rhona had tried to show him the baby but Jackson refused to let them through the door.

"Alright." But it was obvious to both of them that this wasn't the case.

It had upset everyone when Jackson was so dismissive of the child, but he was determined to alienate himself from life. He would only see Aaron and Hazel now; even his father Jerry was unwelcome.

"Aaron?"

"He ate some of my bacon sandwich yesterday."

"Well that's good." Paddy perked up but in truth it was terrible that the only positive thing to come from the day was Jackson taking a mouthful of food.

"Aaron…"

"Please don't start Paddy, I don't want any advice, I just want to drink my coffee."

But Paddy couldn't help himself because Aaron was his son and it was upsetting to see the lad so worn and sad, he just wanted to make things better.

"Aaron". He began tentatively "No one would blame you if you walked away."

Aaron's head shot up.

"What makes you think I want to…." It was the first bit of spark that Aaron had displayed in days. Other times he would respond as if it was difficult to speak.

"I don't, I'm just saying."

Aaron scrunched up his eyes "Well don't just say."

"Aaron….."

"You all still think I'm with him cause I feel guilty." He felt really angry now, why did no one get it?

Aaron got up to go upstairs, he wanted to get away from Paddy but the older man had blocked his way

"Please don't get upset, I can't stand it when we fall out." He was holding Aaron's arms and trying to make eye contact, Aaron offered no resistance. "Please sit back down." And Aaron complied, lifelessly.

Paddy sat and waited, he didn't want to upset Aaron again and decided to let him speak first.

"You know before Jackson, I hated myself."

Paddy closed his eyes; it hurt to hear Aaron say these things.

"Some of it was to do with me Mum and Dad and some of it was because I was gay, but mostly I just hated myself."

Paddy nodded, he already knew this.

"When I was a kid I used to think that adults had it sorted and that I'd be ok as soon as I became one. I gave myself until I was 21. I thought, it should all be ok once I'm 21 and if it's not I'll kill myself."

Paddy looked at him shocked, Aaron was speaking so quietly but the sadness in his voice brought a lump to his throat.

"And what I did in the garage last year was just me bringing it forward a bit – because things weren't getting better, they were only getting worse."

"But you survived -."

"- Yeah – and I was gutted Paddy. Not upset or angry, just really gutted, I was going to have to be me for a bit longer."

Paddy swallowed hard, he had no idea just how deep Aaron's self-loathing went and it was overwhelming to hear.

"But then, Jackson wanted me anyway and it doesn't matter how bad I feel cause Jackson loves me." Aaron's face brightened slightly, "I won't live without him."

Paddy raised an eyebrow confused "Who says you have to?"

"If Jackson gets his own way….."

"I know." Everyone knew about Jackson wanting to end his life "I know this sounds terrible to say, but Jackson isn't in a position to be able to harm _himself _and that's a good thing."

A tear rolled down Aaron's check "Doesn't stop him from asking someone else to do it –"

Paddy Looked at him horrified, the weight of Aaron's word sinking in

Aaron wiped the tear away "Don't worry Paddy, I won't live without him."


	5. Chapter 5

"Hazel?" Layla was stood outside the shop, near a basket of fruit, she'd watched Hazel stand motionless next to the apples. She didn't even look like she was deciding what to buy.

"Hazel, can I help you with anything? Hazel blinked and turned to Layla.

"Sorry love." She hadn't known Layla was even there, "miles away."

"No worries – you picking out some tea for you and Jackson?" Layla didn't miss Hazel's slight reaction at hearing Jackson's name; she didn't miss her trying to hold off the tears.

"Hazel?"

Hazel dismissed the kindness in Layla's voice "Oh don't mind me love, I hate cooking – the sight of ingredients make me teary."

Layla smiled warmly and squeezed her arm reassuringly before moving away. Hazel needed to get her act into gear, she kept doing this – zoning out. It was started to get embarrassing, but the situation with Jackson followed her. She'd find herself in the car, driving the wrong way or cooking pasta only for the water to have boiled dry. For the last few weeks her worry for Jackson had driven her to the point that she didn't know if she was coming or going and she was acutely aware that everyone in the village knew this.

"Haaazel." Came a sing song voice, it was Bob. She'd zoned out again.

Hazel rubbed her hand over her face tiredly; she wasn't sleeping "Hi Bob." He'd become a very good friend to her over the months, she'd talked to him when there was no one else to turn to, recently though she had hadn't spoken to him at all.

"Feels like it's been ages since I've last seen you," she said smiling sadly.

Bob had his hands in his pockets and was rocking on his feet, he learned towards her "It has been ages."

She nodded, pursing her lips together "I know." Three weeks had past. Hazel had asked Bob to chat with Jackson again about some work Bob wanted doing; it was a desperate, hopeless attempt. Jackson had screamed at Bob. That was the first time. Before, he'd yelled angrily and frustrated at situations but he'd never screamed, never been hysterical, now he barely went a day without.

"I'm so sorry agai…." But Hazel trailed off unable to hold back the tears, this was all she did now, alternate between a dazed state and crying.

"Hay come on." He removed the basket Hazel was holding and wrapped his arms around her tightly.

"I'm sorry." She burbled out between sobs.

"Shhhhh, come on, it's ok." He was rocking her gently "Let's go and get a coffee."

Bob led Hazel to the Café but instead of sitting her down he directed her upstairs to the living quarters. "I'll bring those coffee's up, there's some tissues on the side."

By the time Bob arrived Hazel had composed herself, at least she hadn't been wearing mascara – she'd given up on caring about her appearance weeks ago.

They sat there for a moment Hazel not trusting herself to speak again without crying.

"You know – you don't have to be strong in front of me."

Hazel smiled at him "You know, I don't understand how I have any tears left?"

"How's he been?"

Bob didn't have to say Jackson's name. "He wants to die."

Bob nodded, he already knew this, and it was the talking point of the village. There was always one topic that everyone would be discussing and at the moment it was Jackson. Except unlike other times – this wasn't malicious gossip or idol chat – everybody was worried sick about Jackson, because everyone thought the world of him.

Hazel squeezed her eyes shut "He just lies in his bed all day and wants to die."

"Aren't there any good days?"

"Not complete days – there are good moments, Jackson willing to shave, willing to eat. Yesterday I walked in on Aaron and him, Aaron had his arms across Jackson. It's a rear day when Jackson lets them be close."

Bob smiled softly.

"But most of the time he pretends to be asleep or screams or debates with me about how awful his life is" Hazel shook her head "I don't know what's worse, the screaming or negotiating. At least when he's screaming in my face I know it's the depression, but when he's so calm and everything he says is so well thought out…." Hazel paused not wanting to finish the sentence.

"What about the anti-depressants?"

Hazel shock her head again "He won't take them anymore and apparently there's no grounds to make him." Bob raised an eyebrow questioningly "I spoke to the doctor about the process of a court injunction – you know like for people with mental illness. The doctor said that as Jackson was not a danger to himself or anyone else there were no grounds and that we should encourage therapy again."

Bob looked at her saddened, "And will he?"

"I've made an appointment again for next week – who knows if Jackson will agree to it on the day?

Hazel could feel herself welling up again "I just don't know what to do, I just can't reach my beautiful boy…." She turned to look at Bob "What should I do?"

Bob remained silent.

"He's always been so happy and outgoing and it hurts to see this shadow." Hazel took a deep breath steadying herself, "I just don't know how this is going to end."

"Hazel….." Bob began "I don't know the answer, but I do know that you need a break."

"You gonna take me on holiday?" she smiled sadly.

"Not quite, but it's going to be a beautiful sunny day tomorrow and I promised the twins that I'd take them to the beach, I really think you should come."

"Oh, thanks Bob, but I don't think so…."

"Why not?"

"Cause, what about Jackson." Hazel was scared to leave him alone.

"What about his career, won't he be in?"

Hazel shock he head sadly "Jackson fired Joe weeks ago, didn't you know?"

Bob looked at her surprised "No I had no idea."

"Something the gossip mill missed." Hazel snorted humourlessly

"Come on, what about Aaron, can't he take a day off work?"

Hazel thought for a minute, Aaron was already off work and the thought of a day by the seaside listening to the waves and building sandcastles was so beautifully appealing.

"Maybe I could."

Bob looked at her intently and took her hand in his "Hazel, I think it's important that you do."

She nodded positively "Yeah".


	6. Chapter 6

"Jackson, _please_ get out of bed." Aaron was begging - he was always begging, Jackson just rolled his eyes, not looking at Aaron.

"I can't, I'm not capable."

Aaron sighed "You know what I mean." They'd not managed to get him into his wheel chair for days now, Jackson hadn't allowed himself to be showered for two, "You need to get a wash."

Jackson snorted.

"I'll stop fancying you if you start to reek." Aaron was desperate now but hated how patronising he sounded.

Jackson just rolled his head to look at Aaron, contempt on his face "the fact that you fancy this says more about you than it does me."

Aaron chewed on the inside of his mouth and shook his head slightly; Jackson was always doing this, reducing himself to a problem or a thing – not seeing himself as human.

"Shouldn't you be at work anyway?"

"I told you, I'm taking some time off."

Aaron heard Jackson take some shaky breaths. "_For how long, until I can walk again_?" he spat vehemently

"I don't know –"

" – Go back to work, I don't want you around here!"

Aaron stood silently next to Jackson's bed, it broke his heart to hear Jackson when he was like this, when he'd say thing deliberately to upset him."

"I told you to get out!" Jackson was now screaming now, eventually he always screamed.

Aaron felt himself shaking, he was losing his composure, he wanted to remain cool and calm and show Jackson that he was unaffected but Aaron loved Jackson and he felt everything he said. He waited to speak until he knew he wasn't going to cry.

"I'll go when your mum gets back." He whispered, Hazel had gone to Layla's shop to buy some food, they didn't need any but Jackson had been really nasty to her and she needed a break.

"_I'm not a baby, I told you to Leave. Me. Alone!"_ Jackson screamed, it was so loud that Cain and Debbie were sure to hear next door. Aaron remained defiant; instead he picked up a paper and sat down on a chairs by the wall.

"You can shout at me all you want but I'm not leaving until she gets back." Aaron could hear Jackson breathing heavily, he was angry and upset and letting out shaky breaths but Aaron was not going anywhere.

Ten minutes later Hazel still hadn't come back, Aaron figured that she probably didn't want to return in tears the way she had left, this happened a lot – Hazel's lust for life had disappeared. Aaron put down the paper and moved on to the TV guide instead, ignoring Jackson, thankfully Jackson had calmed down and his breathing had returned to normal, the only sound in the room came from the rustling of paper.

"What's on telly?" Jackson asked softly.

Aaron paused for a minute, tempted not to answer Jackson, wanting to punish him but normal conversation was rare these days and he didn't want to waste it.

"Not much, afternoon telly."

"What about later?"

Aaron perked up, Jackson even refused to watch TV now "why, you wanna watch some?"

Jackson shrugged lazily "Probably not, humour me."

"Ok." He answered softly before scanning the page looking for something that might interest Jackson. There wasn't much on, it was a Wednesday afternoon.

"Ghost Busters 2 is on at 5pm."

A small smile came to Jackson's lips, he spoke quietly "Never liked the sequel , Ghost busters 1 was always the best."

Aaron put down the guide, "I don't remember either of them really, only saw them once I think."

Jackson smiled a genuine smile "Trust me, Ghostbusters 1 was a classic, I had all the action figures."

"Yeah?"

He rolled his head towards Aaron "Yeah, and the car, even had the Ghostbuster's building. It was Ace."

Aaron smiled and moved to the chair by Jackson's bed, he leant on the mattress and rested his head in his hands "Never played them, more of a lego guy me."

Jackson flashed him a smile, a rare sight and it made Aaron's heart melt "Used to get my Dad to play with me." He continued.

"Not your mum?"

Aaron shook his head "It was in the evenings and my dad's way of bribing me to go to bed, I was only about 7 years old, my Mam used to work late."

"Pub work?"

Aaron paused "No," he took a deep breath and lowered his voice "She was a stripper -."

Jackson head rocked back slightly "Really?"

Aaron pursed his lips together, embarrassed, not meeting Jackson's eyes "That's how she met my Dad – she was the stripper at his best mate's stag night."

Jackson lay blinking for a second "You never said."

Aaron nodded "I know, it's not a secret or anything" he shrugged "This is just the first time I've ever told anyone."

Jackson pulled his brow together confused "Why have you told me?"

Aaron looked at Jackson, he was so small and fragile in the bed "Cause. I love you."

Jackson was taken aback by Aaron's reply, tears sprung to his eyes and he nodded his head slightly "I love you to." He whispered.

Aaron smiled and responded by taking Jackson's hand and kissing it.

"Aaron?" he whispered " Will you get on the bed with me?"

Aaron nodded, Jackson didn't even need to ask him. He slipped off his shoes and climbed up, lying next to Jackson and resting his head on his shoulder, they lay like this for a moment savouring the closeness.

Jackson disturbed the peace first "Shall we watch Ghostbusters then?"

Aaron smiled at him "Yeah."


	7. Chapter 7

Hazel walked back to Dale Head from Bob's, she'd been there for over an hour and felt guilty for leaving Aaron, especially as she was going to ask him to spend all day with Jackson whilst she was at the beach tomorrow. But however bad she felt, she knew she needed the break and would tell Aaron to do the same, he needed to spend some time with his mates instead of being cooped up.

She paused at the front door, before turning the handle, trying to listen in and gage the mood – she always did this, it helped her to prepare. She was taken aback when she heard the TV – Jackson normally refused to even watch that now.

Opening the door, she peered her head around, the sight she saw warmed her. Aaron was lying on the bed, his head on Jackson's shoulder and holding in hand, Jackson in turn rested his head on Aaron's. Aaron was talking softly, the scene was so normal.

"Go on then, what's your favourite ad?"

Hazel didn't catch Jackson's reply but heard Aaron's response "Oh yeah, forgot about that one."

She stood for a moment unsure what to do, neither of them had heard her come in; Aaron seemed to have calmed Jackson down. She shook her head softly, the idea of Aaron being the voice of calm was unbelievable at times, but the way he had stuck things out – was amazing.

Cautiously she made her presence known "Hello boys." She spoke quietly not wanting to upset the peace.

Aaron was the first to acknowledge her but he didn't move, didn't shift away. This was the other change in Aaron – the willingness to be intimate in front of people, how closed off he was had always upset Jackson in the beginning.

Jackson gave her a tired smile "Gonna watch Ghostbuster's in a bit."

Hazel brightened "The first one?"

Jackson scrunched up his nose slightly and shook his head "No, second."

"Oh, well beggars can't be choosers."

"You gonna join us?" Aaron chimed in.

Hazel wanted to, the scene in front of her was so unusually normal and she was desperate to be a part of it "That ok?"

Jackson nodded "I'm sorry – bout earlier."

Hazel smiled her acceptance, she appreciated it although she knew how hollow it was because at some point, maybe tonight or if there lucky tomorrow morning – Jackson would once again be screaming at them.

"When's it start?"

"At five."

It was half three, which gave them an hour and a half, Hazel took a deep breath, worried that her next words would disturb the peace.

"Jackson, we've got a bit of time, maybe you could get that wash – ". She watched Aaron stiffen beside Jackson – she could see that he was bracing himself for the fallout.

Jackson scrunched his eyes up.

"I'll go." Aaron quickly jumped in "Give you some space." Moments like this reminded Hazel of dealing with a small child when they fall over – you had only a couple of seconds to pacify them before they screamed the house down.

"I'll go to the pub and come back before the film starts – I know you don't like me being around."

Jackson took a deep breath "Ok."

Hazel and Aaron shared a grin "Ok." Aaron clambered down from the bed and straightened himself up "I'll bring back a chippy tea?"

There was silence for a moment whilst Jackson thought, "Yeah" he responded positively, this pleased Hazel – he almost sounded like he was embracing the moment."

Aaron leant over and gave him a quick kiss on the lips "I'll be back in just over an hour then." Then he picked up his shoes and headed towards the front door.

"And mushy peas." Jackson added

Aaron and Hazel looked at each other smiling –Jackson hadn't seemed as bright as this in weeks

"Ok."

Hazel waited a moment before removing her bag and cardigan "Ok, you ready?"

Jackson rolled his head towards Hazel "Yeah let's get it over with."

It wasn't quite the positive response she was hoping for but she decided to run with it, "let's get that hoist of yours."

By now they had got the routine down perfectly, Hazel would slip the fabric of the hoist underneath Jackson and secure it tightly. She would then control it to move Jackson into his wheel chair and detach the fabric but leave it around Jackson. Once in the wet room this would be reattached to the hoist in there, there was a separate one in the wet room but this made everything much faster. The only contribution that Jackson made was to steer the wheel chair in there himself.

Jackson would remain silent each time which added to the discomfort of the situation, Hazel would will him to talk, to normalize the situation and remove the embarrassment, but so far Jackson hadn't complied.

She got Jackson sat on the chair underneath the shower – this is where he was undressed, he'd be strapped in whilst his trousers and underwear was removed, but the strap needed to be undone whilst his top was taken off. Hazel knew that this was the worst part for Jackson, much worse than his mother seeing his genitalia, because when his top was removed it exposed his colostomy bag. She could sense Jackson squeezing his eyes shut.

Jackson had the operation shortly after being told he would never move again, he'd been having accidents because his body couldn't tell him when he needed to go. The nurses had scheduled regular bathroom visits but he'd found it too humiliating and they'd decided to go down this route, though Jackson found this just as awful.

Hazel finished removing Jackson's clothing and leant him back against the wall, re-clipping the restraint, she couldn't change his bag until he was washed and dried, the skin needed to be dry in order for the wax to stick.

"Shame it's not the first Ghostbusters film huh?" she started, trying to make conversation as she gently began washing Jackson. Jackson was staring at the ceiling and Hazel was trying to not be alarmed at how much his ribs protruded.

"Yeah."

Hazel could see every rib clearly and his collar bones were sticking out "Still a chippy tea will compensate." Jackson just nodded his head, he was giving her nothing.

"You and Aaron looked cosy when I walked in -," She was soaping him as quickly as she could to save the discomfort, she'd then moved on to his hair. She tended to soap him up first and then stand back and turn on the shower to rinse him off – otherwise she ended up soaked herself. It made the whole process feel like a car wash.

"- holding each other's hands – very romantic."

Jackson rolled his head down to look at Hazel "I can't hold Aaron's hand."

Hazel paused a second realizing what she said "I know, sorry."

Jackson snorted softly, "no worries." but at least he wasn't yelling.

Hazel stood back allowing the water to rinse him and then turned to grab a towel. Switching off the water she stepped forward, released his restraint and balancing Jackson against her as she wrapped the towel around his back.

"Right is there anything in particular you want to wear?" Jackson normally refuses to make those kind of decisions, but she thought she'd ask as he seemed calmer at the moment. There was a small pause, Jackson spoke softly.

"Yeah. The red checked shirt."

Hazel smiled.


	8. Chapter 8

"Hay Aaron, you alright lad?" Aaron had been leaning against the Woolpack bar, sipping on his beer. He had ordered the fish and chips from Marlon 10 minutes earlier - wanting to time his return to Dale Head perfectly.

Adam was stood behind him and had Mia in tow, it looked like they were going to settle in to the pub for the evening, Aaron smiled warmly "Alright, can I get you both a drink?"

Adam's had been a little apprehensive, a couple of days ago Aaron seemed very depressed and Adam expected the same now - his cheerful greeting had been a relief. He clapped his hands together gleefully "Feeling generous are we?"

Aaron shock his head softly and ordered a beer and a glass of wine for Mia "No need to ask what you both want."

"That predictable are we?" chimed in Mia

"That boring more like!"

"Oh the cheek of it!" Adam laughed before adding "You joining us or what?" And Aaron decided that he would, just to finish his drink.

They made their way over to the corner of the pub and settled around the bench; Adam immediately moved his arm around Mia's shoulders. Aaron suddenly felt is heart tighten, because he and Jackson had never done that - not even in Bar West and for a moment Aaron felt sick for all the lost opportunities.

Adam caught Aaron's eye "You alright?"

Aaron Shock his head to bring himself out of it "Yeah I have ordered some food to take back to Dale Head – me and Jackson are going to watch Ghost Busters." Aaron knew that he was saying this with a stupid grin on his face.

Adam's brow narrowed "You really like Ghost Buster's huh?"

"Nope, Jackson does."

The couple exchanged glances before Adam removed his arm from Mia's shoulders, he leant forward adding a serious expression to his face and cleared his throat slightly, "I was doing a bit of work earlier around the back of Dale Head –"

Aaron sighed heavily and lowered his voice "Don't say anything."

"- You don't even know what I was going to say."

"Something about some yelling coming from the house?"

Adam sat back, realising this wasn't the first time and he wasn't going to pretend it never happened "What Jackson was saying was pretty horrible, I wanted to go in a see if Hazel was ok, she was crying."

"It's fine." Both Adam and Mia raised an eyebrow "He doesn't mean it, he's just frustrated."

"The names he called Hazel – I would never say anything like that to my Mum."

Aaron sat looking at Adam for a moment, he wished he could say the same except he'd called his own Mother every awful name under the sun.

"Does he say stuff to you as well?"

Aaron closed his eyes, he didn't want to go into this – it didn't matter what Jackson called him, "It's Ok."

Mia rested her hand on Aaron's arm "I overheard Debbie repeating a few things to Chas." Aaron chewed on his bottom lip, that's all he needed. "You can talk to us – were not going to start making demands that you finish with Jackson if that's what your worried about."

Aaron snorted softly "Good – cause that's never gonna happen."

"We know," and Mia winked at him.

"You gonna talk to us then?"

Aaron gulped down some of his beer and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand "Nope, cause today is a good day and it's you two and this serious conversation that's bringing it down."

"Aaron –"

Aaron sighed again; there was just no placating Adam when he was on one, sometimes it felt like he had assigned himself as Aaron's personal protector.

"Look, Jackson is going to eat some chips, later we are going to watch Ghost Busters and right now he is letting Hazel give him a wash. Today is a really good day and I think it's a sign that things are on the up", Aaron conveniently ignored the fact that only 2 hours ago Jackson had been hysterical. "Can we change the subject?"

Adam didn't look too pleased but Mia caught on "It's my birthday tomorrow, remember?"

And Aaron smiled, because he did remember now – it was a relief because lately he was forgetting everything that didn't revolve around Jackson.

"You're going to come?

"Err yeah?" In truth Aaron didn't know because everything was so up and down with Jackson that he couldn't tell where he would be the next hour let alone in twenty four of them.

Mia crossed her arms "Promise?"

"Sure." It probably wouldn't have made any difference to Mia if he was there or not, after all they weren't close. They'd spent hardly any time together whilst she'd been dating Adam and Aaron suspected she was only so insistent because everyone was so concerned.

"Good and If I don't see you there – I'll come and drag you myself!"

Aaron narrowed his eyes at Adam "Oh and that's not an empty threat."

Aaron didn't have the energy "Alright, I'll consider myself warned." He climbed out from the bench "I'm gonna find out about that food, see you later."

Aaron walked towards the bar and spotted his mother coming on through the back. He hadn't realised she was in which was unusual because normally she didn't do anything without making a racket. He was suddenly anxious about seeing her after what Mia had said

She'd been busy straightening her top behind the bar and hadn't noticed Aaron at first – there was enough time to dash out but then he wouldn't get the fish and chops and Aaron was really looking forward to it.`

As soon as Chastity saw him a huge smile plastered across her face, one thing that nobody could deny was how much she loved her son – Aaron wondered why it took him so long to see this.

"Aaron love –"

"Hi Mum."

"You're not off are you?"

Aaron looked at her sheepishly "Yeah, Marlon's making some food and I'm taking it out." The disappointment on his mother's face was clear.

"Why can't you eat it hear with me?"

Aaron squirmed "Cause I'm taking some back for Jackson".

At the sound of Jackson's name, Chastity's face fell to concern, "You've not been answering your phone."

Aaron stuffed his hands into his pockets and wouldn't reach her gaze.

"I've been busy."

"Debbie told me yesterday that you're off work for a while, that right?"

Aaron studied the floor "Yeah just for a bit."

Chastity studied her son "Aaron –"

"- Mum, it's fine."

She took a big breath "That wall between Dale Head and Debbie's is pretty thin –"

Aaron rubbed his head warily, what did he say? There was no point denying how bad things had got, but to sit and talk about it would be like re-living everything that was being said and Aaron struggled enough the first time.

"Mum please leave it –" He was softly imploring her now because he just wanted to have a quiet evening with the Man he loved and not think about how hard everything was at the moment.

"Ok love." And her comment was accompanied by a small sad nod.

At that moment Marlon bustled through the kitchen door with a couple of polythene containers "Here you go Aaron – Chef's special!" but he halted half way aware that he was interrupting something sombre "I'll just leave them on the bar." And he quickly retreated to the kitchen.

Aaron dug in his pockets and retrieved a ten pound note

"Oh no love, their on me."

Aaron couldn't look at his Mother "Thanks," he said before grabbing the containers and hurrying towards the door.

"Aaron –" Chas called and he stopped and turned towards her. Chastity came out from around the bar and wrapped her arms around him, usually Aaron would have squirmed away but just for a second it was nice. "You know where I am." She whispered and he nodded into her shoulder.

Aaron felt a huge amount of relief when he stepped from the pub – he'd always found concern hard to handle but now he found it suffocating – everyone wanted to help him but really it was Jackson that needed it. Suddenly for a moment he felt resentment – because it was Jackson that they should be worried about, but nobody had bothered to see him for weeks. Aaron kicked a stone angrily letting the feeling wash over him before realising how unfair he was being. Pearl had baked a cake a couple of days ago for Jackson but he had refused to eat it, Paddy and Rhona wanted Jackson to meet the baby, but he'd refused. And Adam had passed on a DVD that Jackson had never watched before – he'd remembered it from a vague conversation the two of them had had before Jackson even had the accident. Saying they didn't care was definitely not right.

Aaron took a deep steadying breath, he wanted to return to Jackson feeling positive,

"Everything is going to be ok."


	9. Chapter 9

"There you are!"

Aaron had been half way across the street when he noticed Hazel hurrying towards him, she looked panicked and stricken. "I've been calling you - I didn't want to leave him." Hazel had tears streaking down her cheeks.

Aaron ran towards her "What's happened?"

"Why didn't you answer." She was angry and shouting through her tears

Aaron was panicking now, he didn't have a clue what was going on, "I left it at the cottage – what's wrong?"

"It's Jackson – I didn't – tried." Hazel couldn't speak, her voice kept hitching and she couldn't get her breath.

"What's wrong with him" Aaron said firmly, he needed to know and Hazel wasn't answering, he waited a second before turning to run up to Dale Head.

"Wait", Hazel shouted even more panicky. Aaron turned back towards her and impatiently grabbed her arms "Calm down Hazel and tell me what's wrong." He'd never seen Hazel like this before. When he first met the women he believed nothing fazed her, but since Jackson accident she had become a shadow of her previous formidable self.

She gasped a few times through the sobs and managed to compile some composure "There's been an accident."

Aaron eyes widened in panic,

"No, I mean with his colostomy bag. I slipped in the shower when I was removing it."

Aaron exhaled with relief – he was so scared that something terrible had happened.

"You don't understand... I spilt it…..on him." Aaron froze, comprehending,

"Where is he now?"

Hazel's brief composure cracked again and fresh tears spilled down her face "He's still there." She gasped "in the shower – it's all over him – and he won't let me near him."

"Ok, it's ok, we'll sort it, it's ok." Aaron didn't know if he was reassuring Hazel or himself."

:

When they'd reached the front door Debbie had been stood by it, concern etched into her features, "Is everything alright?"

Aaron clenched his teeth, this was all he needed "Fine."

"I heard shouting."

"It's fine!" It was said much more forcefully than intended but Debbie got the hint and returned to her house. Aaron felt awful but he couldn't cope with Jackson and the real world – Jackson was more important.

He opened the front door carefully, feeling Hazel close behind; from the wet room he could hear quiet sobs. Aaron spoke carefully "Jackson?"

"GET OUT."

"It's ok, I can't see you."

"Don't come any closer." Aaron could hear the hysteria in Jackson's voice.

"I won't, but you can't stay like that."

Jackson's voice cracked "Did she tell you, oh god she told you."

Aaron didn't know what to do for the best, this wasn't his domain, he didn't do the hero. "Yeah" he called, try to maintain calm "But it's ok."

"How is this ok," Jackson whimpered

"I'm so sorry my love." Hazel called but Jackson didn't respond, instead he continued to cry.

Aaron and Hazel exchanged looks. "Jackson, you know that your Mum just slipped."

The was a small pause and a single sob "I know," Jackson barely whispered.

"If you let us help you this will be all over sooner," Hazel was begging him now, Jackson remained quiet "Ok love, we're gonna come in now, it's going to be ok."

Jackson let out an anguished cry and Aaron turned to Hazel, not wanting to do this – not wanting to rid Jackson of his last dignity, but Hazel's face was scrunched up in grief and she wouldn't be able to do this alone.

They rounded the corner carefully but Aaron had not been prepared, Jackson was strapped into the shower chair, head down and unable to contain his anguish, his arms and legs were covered in excrement and the smell hit immediately.

It took all Aaron's energy not to recoil, he stood unable to decide the next action, luckily Hazel stepped up.

"Right." She began, she was all business in spite of the tears still filling her eyes, "Let's get this shower back on, Aaron maybe you could go and get a new towel." Hazel saw the frozen shock on Aaron's face "Aaron, we need another towel." She pushed him slightly which jerked him into movement.

Aaron felt like his limbs were wading through oil, he'd never tended to Jackson's personal needs and this was a shocking way to be introduced. Seeing Jackson like that, sitting in his own filth, it was like the reality of Jackson's life was hitting him at once, but he had to snap out of this, he had to.

By the time Aaron returned, Jackson had been completely washed down. Hazel was soaping him with gel as she just stroked his face reassuringly - she was completely soaked herself but didn't notice. Jackson's sobs had settled and every now and again his breath would hitch but mostly he just stared at a point behind her head.

"There we go, let's have that towel Aaron."

Aaron passed the towel and watched Hazel balance Jackson against her as she wrapped it around his shoulders; she began patting him down and talking soothingly. Aaron knew he should be doing something but he was struggling to function.

They transferred Jackson to the dry part of the room and Hazel dressed him warmly, "bet those fish and chips are a bit cold now, why don't I make something nice instead?"

Jackson remained quiet not answering, not even bothering to lift his own head, "It's ok Jackson."

His lifted his head "What am I?" he snorted humourlessly

Hazel and Aaron glanced at each other confused.

Jackson's face twisted to a violent sneer "WHAT AM I, I USED TO BE A MAN, I USED TO HAVE A FUNCTION – WHAT AM I!"

Aaron felt Hazel shaking beside him "Please love –"

"Please love what? Don't be this thing that gets covered in it's own shit and then can't clean it's self up?"

These anguished words remobilized Aaron, suddenly his head cleared and he knelt in front of Jackson's wheel chair "You're not an it – You're never an it" it was said with as much conviction as Aaron could manage.

Jackson couldn't meet Aaron's eyes "How can you still be here, what do you get out of this…how… can you even look at me?" his last words quietly descended into tears.

Aaron didn't know what to say – he'd run out of ways of telling Jackson he loved him, he didn't know how else to show him "I just can." he said this through tears of own – how any of them had any left was a mystery.

They stayed like this for a few more minutes until Hazel took charge again and got Jackson into the bed, she then briefly disappeared to make some food. Aaron sat quietly next to Jackson's bed waiting for the second that Jackson would allow him to be close, it didn't materialise and instead they all spent the evening staring at walls.

By midnight, Jackson still hadn't spoken and Aaron encouraged Hazel to go to bed. She'd been reluctant to go but knew she couldn't stay down stairs all night – life had to go on.

Just as she reached the bottom step, Jackson spoke; his voice was soft but full of emotion.

"Mum," he paused "This is how I'm going to feel for the rest of my life." And for a moment Hazel froze, taking in Jackson's words before gently ascending the steps.

Jackson waited to speak until he no longer heard Hazel moving around upstairs the atmosphere was so tense that it felt like it was capable of splitting, "bit of a shock huh?"

"Yeah but its ok," Aaron answered slowly, deciding to be honest.

"Why?"

"Cause it's just one of those things."

"Sitting helpless in your own shit is never just one of those things."

Aaron shifted in his chair uncomfortably "Ok maybe not normally but in this instance it is."

Jackson closed his eyes "So for me it's just one of those things… like tripping over a pavement or missing a bus….. just one of those things that happens."

"Yeah but it won't happen again."

Jackson snorted "you don't know how clumsy my mum is."

Aaron didn't have anything to say to that.

"Imagine that your family have just walked in on you covered in your own excrement Aaron…could you do me that favour and just imagine."

Aaron closed his eyes and immediately empathised with Jackson humiliation "It's awful."

"Yeah, that could be the word used."

They stayed sat not speaking, Aaron desperately searching for the words to assure Jackson, words that would turn everything around and reach the depths of despair, but he couldn't and all around them was this terrible tension.

Jackson interrupted the silence "Aaron, I know that there are other people out there like me, who manage their condition…" Jackson trailed off and closed his eyes, thinking before he spoke again "You can come and sit by me if you want."

Aaron approached the bed and took Jackson's hand in his own.

"Do you think I'm ill…in the head?"

"I think your depressed."

Jackson nodded "Yeah…but ill?"

"No."

"I know I can be difficult and horrible…but…that's frustration. You understand that right? I say those thing because I can't walk away," tears sprung to Jackson's eyes.

"I know," Aaron squeezed Jackson's hand hoping that even though he couldn't feel it he would still see the gesture.

"Aaron if it was reversed and you were in this chair, how would you feel?"

Aaron dropped Jackson's hand and sat back in his chair, so far they had never done this, never had this conversation and Aaron wasn't ready for it.

"Aaron?"

Aaron just sat stunned, he wanted to tell Jackson that he'd get on with it, that he'd cope but that was a lie and Aaron had never lied to Jackson.

"You're in that glass box and you can't reach out and everyone outside can't reach you so they stop."

"No one stopped Jackson."

"Yeah they have because I've got nothing to say now." Jackson looked at Aaron intently "There was this guy in a pub that my Mum and Dad took me to when I was a kid, he was almost completely deaf and could barely speak – he'd been struck down with Meningitis when he was a kid. Anyway he would go there alone and all anyone would talk to him about was his hearing aid and that was it, I'm that guy now." Jackson paused "so go on then tell me – how would you cope"

Aaron felt the tears sting his eyes "Jackson –," he said but choked on a sob

"You see how I feel, I know you understand."

Tears fell down Aaron's face "But what about me, what about me?"

"I know," Jackson nodded "but you loving me won't turn back time."

"But I can't live without you", Aaron was openly crying now.

"It will be ok."

Aaron grabbed Jackson's hand again and brought it to his lips kissing him over and over desperately.

"Aaron please, I need you."

Aaron lifted his eyes to meet Jackson's, they held each other's gaze, the room was so quiet except the sound of Aaron's breathing hitch and the ticking of a clock.

"Ok," he whispered, scarcely breathing, "I'll help you."

Jackson body started shaking "You will?"

"Yeah," And Aaron descended into inconsolable tears.

**Ok so this chapter was hard to write, when I found out the direction that this story was going I found it hard to understand how they were going to write it, this is me trying to get to grips with it. Thank you to those people who have stuck with it so far, that can't have been easy, especially considering how depressing it is on the show.**


	10. Chapter 10

Aaron sat with his breakfast tray resting on his lap, across the room Hazel was feeding Jackson scrambled egg, he was eating with more enthusiasm than either of them had seen for weeks, although that wasn't saying much, Aaron barely touched his. He just sat in silence, looking as if he hadn't slept and he wouldn't take his eyes off Jackson.

Hazel hadn't slept at all that night instead either; she lay wide awake listening to the muffled voices of Jackson and Aaron. She couldn't hear what was being said, they spoke quietly and the insulation between the floors prevented the syllables reaching her – Jackson had done a good job when renovating the place, but she could hear Aaron crying. She'd never heard him cry like that, the sobs were gut- wrenching and it took all her energy not to go back downstairs. That morning the atmosphere in the room was strained but unusually Jackson wasn't causing it.

There was a small knock on the door, Hazel got up to answer it and found Bob on the other side of the door "Hi."

"Good morning Hazel," Bob spoke enthusiastically, behind him the sun was shining and she could see Edna walking her dog, it was a sharp reminder that a whole world existed beyond Dale Head "All ready?"

"For….?"

Bob narrowed his eyes and shook his head, jokingly exasperated "Our beach trip."

"Oh," Hazel threw up her hands "I completely forgot." And she had, with the awful incident from the previous evening and this strange atmosphere that morning, Hazel hadn't even given it a thought, let alone checked with the boys to see if they minded. "I'm not sure it's a good idea."

Bob reached behind her and pulled the front door, preventing their conversation from reaching inside. "Hazel, we discussed this yesterday."

"I didn't sleep well last night -."

"- All the more reason to come."

"I'm not much company."

"You can ignore me all day if you so please."

Hazel thought for a minute, she didn't know if it was a good idea. Jackson seemed ok this morning but Aaron didn't, but then if Jackson was ok Aaron always perked up and so maybe is quiet mood was just left over from last night's incident. She wasn't sure what to do for the best "I'll speak to Aaron, hold on here."

Whilst she had been away Aaron had picked up the breakfast trays and was heading towards the steps.

"It's Bob, we made arrangements to go to the beach today but I forgot to tell you, I can cancel…"

Jackson was quick to interrupt his mother "No, you should go, get some fresh air." Jackson was talking to her but looking at Aaron, Aaron didn't add to the conversation.

"But –"

"But nothing, tell her Aaron, tell she should go."

"You trying to get rid of me?" Hazel said, good humouredly.

"Mum you should go, it's ok."

Hazel looked towards Aaron for some indication of permission, if he didn't want to be left alone with Jackson then she wouldn't leave, Aaron remained rooted, with the breakfast trays still in hand, he looked towards Jackson and swallowed hard.

"Jackson's right, you have a nice day."

"Ok," she said, unsurely and picked up her bag ready to leave "I'm not sure when I'll be back but call me if you need anything."

"Mum." Hazel turned to her son, he was so small and frail in the bed but there was also a calmness that she hadn't seen in months "I love you."

A few seconds after the door had closed, Jackson turned his head to where Aaron stood, he quickly started towards the stairs but was interrupted by Jackson speaking. "It has to be today."

Aaron had been clutching the trays so tightly that they started to rattle as he shook.

:

"We might not get another chance for a while." Jackson was still in his bed and reasoning to Aaron who was sat in the chair beside him, Aaron didn't respond.

"Aaron?" Jackson gently prompted.

"Today… now." Aaron blinked heavily.

"You said you'd help me."

"But –"

Jackson felt the calm slipping away from him "You said you would."

"But –"

"Aaron you can't back out, everything was ok this morning, everything was ok because of what you said last night. Don't take it back, please don't take it back."

Aaron couldn't believe they were in this place and having this conversation; he numbly sat and watched the tears streak down Jackson's cheeks.

"Ok, how?"

:

Jackson had it all figured out, just as Aaron had feared he'd been researching it on the internet "I think I should just take some pills and fall asleep, I need you to see how much of my medication is left."

Aaron walked over to the medicine cabinet in the wet room and pulled out all of Jackson's medication, studying each and noting the contents. There was Bisphosphonate to help maintain bone mass, Warfarin to prevent blood clotting, aspirin, the last of the antidepressants that Jackson had refused to take, a few more antibiotics from Jackson's chest infection and some sleeping pills. Aaron counted and there were 79 tablets all together.

"It's not enough, you need to go and get some more."

Aaron looked past Jackson, not wanting his words to penetrate.

"It's getting late in the morning, please you said you would."

Aaron bent down a kissed Jackson on the lips "Ok I'll be back."

"Oh, hello." Aaron had been walking down the steps of Smithy Cottage, he legs falling heavily rather than stepping. Rhona was in the kitchen making some tea, Aaron had quickly hidden the nearly full box of Paracetamol in his pocket, it was all he could find in their bathroom except some vitamins and some laxatives but Aaron refused to give Jackson them.

"Didn't know you were in." she was getting a bottle ready for the baby's lunch "can I get you some tea?"

"I'm not staying."

Rhona had been talking distractedly but had paused on hearing Aaron's quiet tone "You ok?"

Aaron liked Rhona, he really liked her, despite being narky with her and acting like she always got in the way. Aaron especially liked how happy she made Paddy, it was so important that he had someone.

"Yeah."

Rhona cocked her head questionably, not trusting his words "You wanna feed the baby?"

Aaron scrunched up his nose "No." it was a game they played, where Aaron pretended that the baby was a big inconvenience.

She smiled back knowingly "Well if you change your mind."

Aaron paused for a second taking in his surroundings, ever since Rhona moved in the place was a mess – not dirty just messy, she'd been there officially for 4 months and Aaron only just noticed the state of it.

"Where's Paddy?"

"Out on his rounds, he finishes around 5ish."

Aaron looked to his hands; he really wanted to see him "Oh right."

"You can ring him though."

"No it's no bother, just wanted to talk to him about something."

"Can I help?"

Aaron shock his head softly "No."

Rhona studied him for a moment "Aaron – "

"- I've got to go."

Rhona nodded, just as Aaron reached the door he turned back to her "You and Paddy – it's for keeps isn't it"

Rhona's brows lifted and she cocked her head again "I hope so." she smiled

"Me too."

:

Aaron popped into Layla's shop afterwards and brought another two boxes of Paracetamol, in total he had over a hundred pills, enough for Jackson. He'd gone from there over to the park and silently sat on the swings, there were no children around and every now and again he would rock his heels and cause the swing to move. Mostly though he just sat and stared, eventually he knew he had to return.

He absently looked at his watch, surprised to see that it was half one, Aaron had no idea how he had consumed two hours, Jackson would be getting worried. Before Aaron reached for the door of Dale Head, he took one last look around the village, surrounding it he could see the beautiful slopping hills and a flock of sheep grazing. He'd never cared before but this was going to be the last time he looked around when things are normal, after this moment everything would change.

Aaron paused, spotting his mother outside the Woolpack, she was collecting glasses, he stopped for a moment before heading in her directions but didn't managed to reach her before she entered, Aaron hesitated, thinking he should return to Jackson but he wanted to see her.

"Hi love," Chastity beamed as her son approached the bar, the pub was still a little busy from the lunch time trade

"Hi Mum."

"You gonna join me for some food, I'm having a break in about half an hour."

Aaron really wished he could "I need to get back to Jackson."

Chastity scrunched up her face sullenly "Come on love, I never see you. Just half an hour, Hazel can cope without you for a bit."

"She's gone to the beach, Jackson's on his own."

"Oh." She pursed her lips upset but understanding "What did you come in for?"

Aaron looked at his mother, he'd wasted so much time hating her and it all seemed so pointless now. This was going to be the last time that she looked at him with any affection, after today it will all be over. "Just wanted to say hello."

Chastity wrinkled her nose and a grin split her cheeks "You're a funny boy you are… but a good one." She leant over the bar and kissed his cheek.

"I've gotta go."

"How about tomorrow, I'm off – let me take you into town and spoil you a bit."

Aaron smiled at her gently "Ok."

:

Aaron reached Dale Head to find Jackson in a panic "Where have you been?"

"I'm sorry I got distracted."

"You've been hours." Jackson had been crying, his eyes were puffy "I thought you had changed your mind."

Aaron shook his head.

"Did you speak to anyone?

"….Yeah."

Jackson started gasping "About what we are going to do?"

"It's ok, no one knows." Aaron watched Jackson visibly relax; he silently pulled out the three boxes of pills and showed them to Jackson reassuringly. Jackson closed his eyes and took a deep breath "I need to eat something."

Aaron raised an eyebrow

"If I take them on an empty stomach I might be sick".

"You've done your research." Aaron stared at the three boxes in his hand.

"I just need a sandwich or something."

Aaron rattled the boxes slightly, the sound they made was pleasant.

"Aaron…"

"Ok."

:

He'd made them a couple of cheese sandwiches and then dressed Jackson, he was still in his night clothes. Throughout the duration Jackson had been impatient, worried that his mother would return too early, but Aaron knew that wouldn't happen – the beach was too far a drive. "You can't go in your pyjamas Jackson." Aaron had insisted.

Aaron stood in the kitchen grinding up the tablets, Jackson thought it would be the easiest way to consume them and the quickest; he assured Aaron that he would feel no pain. There was a lot of pills.

"I don't think you need this many." Aaron called but Jackson wanted to be doubly sure. Aaron sat by Jackson's bed, he wasn't ready to do this yet he needed some more time with his Jackson.

"How do you feel?"

"I feel good… calm. I'm ready to get out."

Aaron could feel the tears filling his eye, they refused to fall and instead his vision became blurry "You say it like you expect to go somewhere."

"I don't know what to expect, I'm not sure I expect anything."

"Jackson I don't think there is anything." Jackson shook his head sadly agreeing.

"Which means you won't be able to enjoy it or appreciate that you're not in a wheel chair, they'll be nothing."

"I know."

"You won't feel the relief."

"Nope."

The tears in Aaron's eyes still hadn't fallen, he picked up Jackson's hand and kissed it.

"Aaron, you are the perfect boyfriend." Jackson closed his eyes "Just nine months too late."

One of the tears fell down Aaron's cheek "This is all my fault."

"No it's not."

Aaron nodded hitching as another tear fell, Jackson didn't cry, he didn't want their last moments to be accompanied by tears.

"You could have done things differently, so could I. Not answered the phone for one. And mostly I should have heard what you said to me before the crash"

Aaron looked at him confused.

"When you said you needed me, when you said I was the best thing that ever happened to you, when you said 'you've got me'."

Aaron bit on his bottom lip, trying to stop the tears.

"I thought that the absence of you saying 'I loved you' outweighed any other words, but I was so wrong, cause look at you, look at where we are, " Jackson locked eyes with Aaron resolutely "I love you more than I ever knew possible."

Aaron broke down, not stopping the tears

"Come now," Jackson gently implored "it's time we got on..."

Aaron had had to use a small pitcher of juice to accommodate all the medication but it was more like slush and difficult for Jackson to swallow. When he finally drained the last drop it was quarter to three. Aaron stayed sat looking at Jackson, from the moment he finished the concoction Aaron had felt numb, he looked around the room then back to Jackson but he was in slow motion.

"It will be just like falling asleep." A tear fell from Jackson's eye and Aaron reached out to wipe it away, he couldn't feel Jackson's skin or the wet tear, he was as numb as Jackson.

"Will you stay with me?"

Aaron nodded affectionately "Of course but I need to clean up the pill bottles in the kitchen; we don't want Hazel to see them when she returns."

Aaron reached the top of the stairs and entered the kitchen without feeling sensation or recollecting his movements; he knew this was his destination yet was still unsure of how he got there. Aaron looked around the small kitchen noting how tidy it was; it used to be a bedroom until they had to relocate the kitchen to make space for the wet room. The only mess was from Aaron making his potion earlier.

He collected the empty bottles and packaging and threw them in the bin and then washed the knife and cutting board used to grind up the pills, finally he wiped down the surface. He was careful not to knock the remaining pills.

Aaron stood above them noting their colour and shape. Some were pink and round others were long and had a two toned red and yellow shell, most of them were white. All together Aaron had found 158 tablets, this made for a nice even number and easy to divide, Aaron had tried to make sure that each pile had the same amount of each pill.

"Aaron, what are you doing?" Jackson called from down stairs.

"I won't be long, just sorting a couple of things."

He looked at the pills for a second before picking them up and swallowing them, only stopping to take a gulp of water.

A couple of minutes later Aaron walked back down the stairs "Sorry I took so long, how do you feel?"

"I'm ok, I don't feel anything, I'm just going to sleep remember."

"Yeah." Aaron stood over him, watching before carefully moving Jackson closer to the far side of the bed, he then climbed up lying next to him.

"I'm glad you're with me."

Aaron twisted his head and gently kissed Jackson's temple.

"Don't worry Jackson, I won't leave you."


	11. Chapter 11

"Here you go." Bob nudged Hazel's elbow and handed her a cup of tea, she took a tentative sip before settling it in her hand.

"That's what I like about you Bob, you've got priorities. It's a beautiful hot day and yet you still bring a flask full of tea, a man after my own heart."

Bob grinned at her. In front the twins were attempting to build sandcastles; they were still too young to make them successful.

Hazel took in the sights, the sky was bright blue and the sea calm, Bob had reliably informed her that it wasn't too cold. They'd found a tiny patch of sand on an otherwise pebbled beach and set up camp, and at lunch time they'd eaten tuna and cucumber sandwiches – it was idyllic.

"You feeling better now?" Hazel had barely said a word all morning, the previous evening and her lack of sleep her left her exhausted but strained and she'd spent the journey staring out the window.

"Yeah." And Bob grabbed her hand and gave it a squeeze.

"It's beautiful here."

"Yeah." Agreed Bob

"No I mean it's really beautiful." Hazel sipped her tea.

"You say it like you're surprised."

Hazel nodded sadly "I am... surprised I mean; my view at the moment isn't so great."

"No."

Little Cathy then ran up to them both, she'd found an empty crab shell, they made a fuss of her but Heath got jealous and so Bob went on a trek to find another one, Hazel remained on the beach blanket taking everything in.

After twenty minutes of searching Bob returned to the blanket, he was exhausted "Didn't find a crab shell but I found an intact mussel shell and that seemed to please him." Hazel just smiled.

"Are you worried, about being away from Jackson?"

"Yeah but I text Aaron earlier and he said everything was ok and Jackson seemed calmer this morning."

Bob smiled "Can I offer you a French Fancy or a Jam Tart?"

"Thank you." Hazel took the French Fancy but didn't start to eat it "It really is beautiful here." They sat silently and ate their cakes; the twins squealed and giggled about some stones they'd collected.

"You know there's so much to see in this world."

Bob nodded

"And not just the big things either, there are tiny little experiences to have every day."

"Yeah."

She scrunched up the empty cupcake wrapper "You don't need to feel sensation to have those experiences."

Bob studied her face intently "Nope, but then you already knew this Hazel."

"In the beginning I did, when Jackson first had the accident. I knew it then." Hazel looked to her hands sadly "I'd forgotten."

He narrowed his eyes "What do you mean?"

Hazel sighed a shaky breath "Something happened last night… nothing serious but pretty awful." Her voice cracked "Jackson's been asking us to help him end his life, there was a moment last night were I saw his point of view."

Bob sat silently reeling.

"If I hadn't of come away today, I don't think I would have regained that perspective, I might of helped him."

"Then it's a good job you did."

"Yeah," she took a deep breath "today has shown me that we can't go on like this, the air in that house is toxic."

"Both you and Aaron stuck in that room all day – it's bound to wear down anyone. You need more help and you both need to live your own lives."

Hazel shook her head "I hardly recognise Aaron from the boy I first met; he loves my Jackson so much. When we get back I'm going to insist that he go spend a day with his mates, I'll call Adam." Smiling, she felt more relief in the last couple of hours than she had over the last few months.

"I'm going to get my boy through this."

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, it meant a lot that you took that time x x**


	12. Chapter 12

Paddy crept up behind Rhona, she was sat at the table with her back to him, opposite Laurel was steadily trying not to give the game away.

"Aha!" he said loudly next to her ear, she'd jump and then turned around hitting him with aggressive affection.

"You shouldn't do that to a Mother with a three week old baby –who has to get up a do night feeds!"

Paddy giggled as he stroked her hair, he kissed the top of her head and then plonked himself in the chair next to her. "So what's this then, Marlon takes the baby for the afternoon and you head straight to the pub!" This had been Marlon's first real 'alone time' with the baby since her birth.

Rhona laughed "Yeah, she's driven me to drink already." The baby was still so new but already she wouldn't change her for the world.

Laurel leant forward in her sat "I wanted a girly catch up session."

"I see."

"hmmmm anyway what are you doing here, it's only three in the afternoon – you've got rounds until five."

Paddy grinned "Both my last two appointments rearranged on me, so I thought I would spend the afternoon with my women."

Both Rhona and Laurel creased up laughing, Paddy acting all caveman didn't work. "Fine but your only staying if you get a drink in, wine for laurel -" Rhona made a sad face "- and orange juice for me."

Begrudgingly Paddy retrieved the drinks, ordering a pint for himself and moved back to the two ladies, they were discussing breast feeding and out of obligation Paddy thought he should protest although in truth he didn't mind.

"It's better now, at first it was so painful I was going to go on to bottle, I'm glad I didn't."

Paddy hit the top of their table with the flat of his hands "Look the only time I want to talk about breasts is when I'm discussing size -."

Rhona and Laurel looked at him "Paddy it doesn't work, you don't wear sexist well,"

Laurel scrunched up her nose and shook her head, "Me man, you woman!"

Paddy sighed "yeah yeah."

They continued to tease and prod Paddy, doing gorilla noises and pretending to eat fleas until Rhona suddenly remembered earlier, she immediately sobered up "Did Aaron call you?"

Paddy sipped at his beer "No, was he going to?"

"I'm not sure he wanted to talk to you,"

His brow creased in concern "Do you know what it was about?"

"No."

"Was he ok?"

"I don't know, he was how he usually is."

Paddy's concern deepened "I'll call him on his mobile." he got up and headed outside.

The mood had turned serious and Rhona started chewing on her bottom lip "How is Jackson?" Laurel asked.

She sighed heavily "Not Good, I haven't seen him for days, neither I nor Paddy has been welcome – he just shouts at us."

"Do you think things will get better?"

Rhona shook her head sadly, "I hope so. He's still all new to this; I don't believe that he can keep this anger going forever. The doctors said it would take time."

"Not knowing how long, that's the problem -."

"- Exactly. And Aaron's a mess; he doesn't know whether he's coming or going half the time. It's completely changed him and whilst Aaron needed too, it shouldn't have been because of this – he's just a shell."

Whilst the two women were talking Ashley had walked into the pub, he headed straight over to them and caught the last of Rhona's sentence, "That Aaron you're talking about?"

Rhona looked up warmly "Hi Ashley, yeah it is."

Troubled, Ashley took the seat that Paddy had occupied "I saw him earlier, on the swings."

Rhona raised an eyebrow.

"He was –" Ashley's words were interrupted by Paddy re-entering, he didn't notice Ashley had taken his seat, instead sitting on the other one.

"No answer – Do you think he was ok?"

Rhona shook her head "I don't know, Ashley was saying he saw him on the swings earlier."

"He was there for well over an hour, he just sat barely moving. He looked very down; I would have gone over except I knew it wouldn't have gone well."

Paddy nodded and rubbed his head, stressed. Everything at Dale Head was getting out of hand, no one saw Jackson except Hazel and Aaron and this wasn't right – Paddy didn't know the solution.

"I think backing off and giving Jackson his wishes is the wrong thing to do. Everyone's been staying away and that's not good for Jackson nor Aaron and Hazel."

Everyone at the table nodded, Ashley leant forward "Hazel moved Jackson to the village for support and she's not been getting it-."

"- But it's not for the lack of trying."

Paddy grabbed Rhona's hand "I know," he sighed heavily "But I think we have to start ignoring Jackson when he gets upset and not relent." Paddy hesitated not wanting to betray Aaron's trust "Aaron told me the other day that Jackson has been asking both of them to end his life."

Three sets of eyes blinked heavily "You don't think…." Laurel asked

Paddy shook his head "Aaron loves Jackson – he couldn't be without him." The four of them sat solemnly, digesting, they were interrupted by Chastity coming over.

"What's this, a Mother's meeting?" she grinned before comprehending the seriousness of their expressions. "What's up?"

"We were just discussing Jackson."

Alarm graced Chastity's face "Something happened?"

Paddy grabbed her arm, reassuringly "No, we have just been talking about not staying away and supporting Hazel and Aaron more."

She raised her brows "How?"

Paddy cleared his throat and turned to speak decisively to everyone "We need to get Jackson's carer back for one thing and convince him to his to see his Dad," It was time they pulled together.

Ashley nodded, "only seeing each other can't be good."

"We'll," began Chastity "actually Hazel has gone to the beach today with Bob and the twins – Aaron told me earlier."

"You saw him?"

Chas smiled "Yeah," she was so pleased "He just wanted to say hello, he said that he'd come out with me tomorrow."

"Oh right," Paddy said, this was good news, maybe things were looking up. Aaron hadn't left Jackson's side for days – this could be an indication that Jackson was turning a corner; he needed to make sure "I'm going to go round to Dale Head, start putting this plan into action."

"Maybe I should come too?" Chas offered

"I think one at a time would be better, otherwise Jackson will realise what we're doing. It's better to sneak this injunction in rather than bombard him."

Everyone nodded "Wish me luck."

:

Outside the pub Paddy came across Adam and Mia, they were play fighting and Mia was squealing delightfully, they straightened themselves up when they saw Paddy – only slightly though because Adam had his arms locked around Mia's head.

Paddy laughed at them, they were such a lovely couple "You two seem happy."

"Yup." Mia muffled from beneath Adams arm, "its Mia's birthday today." And Adam relinquished her from his grip.

"Many happy returns."

"Why thank you," she gave a funny little bow "were going to get some food before going back to glam up. We're heading into town and everyone's welcome if you up for it?"

Paddy scrunched up his nose, Mia had a wicked sense of humour "Yeah just what you want, a load of oldies cramping your style," Paddy turned serious "Is Aaron going?"

The couple shared a glance "He was invited," Adam began "And I text him earlier, but he said he couldn't make it. I'm not really surprised."

"How has he seemed to you?"

Adam blew air out of his mouth "Up and down. Sometimes he's dead bubbly and other times he can't string a sentence together, it all depends on Jackson's mood."

"I'm going to Dale Head now."

"Well try and get him to come out and if you think me coming over will help, let me know."

"Ok."

:

The curtains were drawn at Dale Head, but this wasn't unusual, Jackson would often insist that they were. Paddy gently knocked on the front door, when he didn't get an answer he knocked louder when there was still no sound from inside he reached for the door handle. Paddy hesitated for a moment keeping in mind how upset Jackson gets about his privacy, Paddy ignored it – he had a mission.

Inside he rounded the corner carefully, not sure of the reception, the last time he and Rhona came round was to introduce the baby. Jackson had screamed at them, it was horrendous and had left Rhona in tears. He didn't know what to expect but it certainly wasn't the scene before him.

Jackson and Aaron occupied the bed, Jackson had been placed to one side, nearest the back door, Aaron was laid out next to him and the top end was raised so they were slightly sitting. Aaron had his head rested on Jackson's shoulder and was holding his hand, Jackson's head rested on Aaron's. They were both fast asleep.

The scene warmed Paddy and also shocked him. He'd never seen the pair so close to one another, even before the accident. Aaron would do everything possible not to give away his relationship with Jackson, even though everyone knew anyway. Paddy always suspected that even in private Aaron behaved the same; it was a revelation to see them so intimately entwined. Paddy caught himself watching and feeling bad for staring, turned to leave. He stopped though when he realised Aaron's eyes were open, just a slit.

Embarrassed to be found out, he gently placed an arm on Aaron's leg "Sorry mate, didn't mean to wake you,"

Aaron didn't answer "Aaron?" His eye's flickered but didn't open, Paddy felt alarmed and shook him "Aaron!"

Paddy urgently moved round to Jackson's side "Jackson?" he shook him roughly, there was no response. Paddy felt his breath quicken, he placed a hand to Jackson's neck, he couldn't find a pulse.

"Oh god."


	13. Chapter 13

Paddy flung open the front and ran to the side of the building, around the corner Debbie and Cain were working on some cars, Cameron was stood nearby.

"Help me!" the three of them stood momentarily shocked "It's Aaron and Jackson, help me!" he ran back aware of footsteps following. Once inside he grabbed his mobile and started dialling, the calm voice on the other end asked him if it was an emergency and then put him through to the ambulance service.

The three of them stood looking at the pair on the bed, confused "They've done something," he was shaking Aaron again "I can't get them to wake up." Cameron moved round to Jackson and started calling his name.

"Chas is in the pub – go get her." Cain took off immediately, running as fast as he could, too aware that all this had happened before and terrified that this time Aaron had succeeded.

He burst through the Woolpack doors, Chastity was straight in front of him behind the bar "Where's the fire?"

"Quickly, you've got to come now!"

"What, what's happened?"

"It's Aaron and Jackson." Chastity's heart quickened "Now Chas!"

She ran round the bar as Rhona, Laurel and Ashley had joined Cain.

"I'll watch the Bar," offered Laurel as the other four ran out.

Adam and Mia had been sat in the corner, watching the entire exchange "What's he done?" asked Mia more to herself than anyone else.

Adam had a horrible sinking feeling, "I've got to get over there."

"I'll come with you."

:

By the time they'd arrived at Dale Head the scene had changed, Aaron was now laid out on the floor, the bed had been flattened so that Jackson was lying vertically and Paddy was performing mouth to mouth. Cameron was frantically rubbing Aaron's chest, trying to wake him.

Debbie was stood to one side; she was talking into Paddy's mobile and had a load of boxes in the other " - antidepressants and sleeping tablets –" she looked up when the others arrived and caught Chastity's eyes "- they're all empty."

Chastity broke down "Oh god. Oh god."

"The ambulance will be a few minutes."

Cameron broke in "Aaron's got a pulse, but I can't wake him."

"And Jackson?" Rhona asked fearful

"No pulse."

Ashley jumped into action "I'll call Hazel."

:

When the ambulance arrived they immediately took charge, everyone except Paddy and Chas were herded outside, the sight of the two ambulance vehicles caused a commotion and everyone was out to investigate.

Adam was pacing up and down in small lines unable to stand still "What if he's succeeded this time, what if he's succeeded" he kept muttering

Mia grabbed his arm "This time – has he done this before?"

Tears filled Adam's eyes "yeah –"

Everyone in the village stood around huddled and murmuring, quickly coming to know the situation. Jackson was pulled out first, the paramedics were frantically communicating to one another and there was no indication that he was even alive, Paddy climbed into next to him and the ambulance swiftly drove away.

A few moments later Aaron came out, he was on an identical bed but had an oxygen mask strapped to his face. Chastity was glued to the bed side "Come on Aaron keep your eyes open," she pleaded. They secured him to the back, "That's right keep talking to him," they heard the paramedic say "We need him to stay awake."

Diane had taken over from Laurel and she exited the pub to find Ashley,

"Ashley what's –"

"Aaron's conscious, but they can't get Jackson to wake up –"

"Is he….

Ashley swallowed hard "I don't know."

"Where's Hazel

"On her way."


	14. Chapter 14

**Ok so i'm on update overdrive. You can blame this on the four day bank holiday and the fact that I have the writers bug badly! I've never written a story before writing for Aaron and Jackson and I had no idea how much I would enjoy the process. Thank you for all your feedback and especially _sugar mouse574_ whose insisant emails have been like a jack russell nipping at my ankles - (whilst this isn't the direction you were hoping for, I hope you still like it! :)**

:

:

For a long time Aaron was awake. He could see his mother's face above and noted the low ceiling, he rocked slightly from some external movement and people spoke to him, he felt hands repeatedly rubbing down on his chest and every time they did the scene above him changed. Everything was happening from the other side of a wall, this wall was made of cotton and it caused the lights to be dimmed and the sounds to be muffled, nothing was clear and through this wall he was touched but he could barely feel.

The first real sensation that penetrated the wall was pain, Aaron was being sick. He could feel tubes down his throat as his body convulsed, he would double up slightly before pushing up wave after wave of sick– it caused his body to shake from the exertion. The whole time he could see his mother near the end of the bed, her eyes were raw and she had her fingers touched to her lips, Aaron could see them shaking.

He began to softly cry.

:

Chastity made her way over to the seating area; Cain was already sat and had a coffee waiting for her, "Their making him comfortable."

Cain nodded

"I thought," she began but paused "I thought that we were done with this."

Cain raised an eyebrow

"Last time it was because he's gay ….. and this time?"

"I don't know."

Chastity shook her head, trying to stop new tears "Did they plan this together?"

Cain didn't have the answers, it was like they had rewound a year, they were on the same ward and even sat in the same seats.

"and if Jackson dies….. is he gonna try it again?"

:

Hazel burst through the ward door, ready to tackle the first doctor she saw, luckily Paddy was sat straight in front of her.

"Where is he? She'd been frantic throughout the journey back, the signal had been terrible and she'd not got through to anyone, she had no idea of the news. Paddy's eyes were red, he had his arms tightly crossed and large tears were rolling down his eyes.

"Hazel."

She grabbed his arms "Is he ok, please tell me he's ok." another tear fell down his check.

"Oh god, tell me he's alive, tell me he's alive!"

"He's alive, he's in there." Hazel almost collapsed from relief.

"Mrs Walsh?" A doctor had exited Jackson's room and approached them; she was too worried to correct the name, "yeah."

"Jackson's ok, we had to resuscitate him but he's now breathing on his own." Hazel sighed "because of his condition were keeping him on oxygen."

Hazel felt fearful "Is there any damage?"

"We lined his stomach with charcoal to absorb the pills as we felt it safer than inducing vomiting, we're testing his liver now but we're confident that we got there in time." Hazel nodded "He's very weak, were going to keep him awake for a few more hours until were sure it's safe, then we'll let him sleep."

"Thank you."

The Doctor looked hesitantly between the pair of them "We've had to call the police." Hazel and Paddy shared an alarmed look "With Jackson's medical condition, he couldn't have taken those pills on his own."

Paddy's eye's widened "You think that Aaron tried to murder him?"

Hazel closed her eyes feeling giddy; she couldn't believe this was happening, no one had told her that Aaron gave Jackson the pills, but she knew it was him, she just knew.

"I don't know, we had to call them."

"Is Aaron at the hospital?" Hazel wanted to see him; she thought back to her conversation with Bob earlier at the beach.

"He's on a different ward."

Hazel's eyes narrowed "Ward?"

"He took an overdose as well –"

:

Aaron was sat up in bed, a saline drip had been inserted into his wrists - his back hurt and his ribs ached from vomiting earlier and his head lulled around weakly.

"I wanna go –" Aaron murmured, Chastity was stroking his arm and Cain was sat behind her "You can't my love."

"Please Mum," he'd said this a little louder which caused pain to spike in his ribs, he hunched over slightly, riding it out.

"Why don't you try to get some sleep?"

Aaron wobbled his head in an attempt to shake it "I want to see Jackson."

"You can't at the moment."

"Is there something you're not telling me?" Chas started stroking her sons face; it was one of the most motherly gestures she'd ever shown him. "No, I promise he's fine, but he's sleeping now."

Aaron looked towards Cain for reassurance.

"Aaron, go to sleep."

Paddy entered the room 10 minutes later; he'd not seen for himself that Aaron was ok – he'd been acting as Jackson's next of kin until Hazel arrived, he was so desperate to see Aaron.

Chas put her fingers to her lips "he's just got off to sleep." Paddy nodded relieved, he then motioned for Chas to join him in the hallway.

"Jackson's still ok, isn't he?"

Paddy sat down heavily "Yeah, Hazel's with him." Chas blew out air from her mouth "What did she say?"

"She's in shock; she hadn't realized that Aaron had taken an overdose as well."

"She angry with Aaron?"

Paddy mused for a second "No, no she wasn't." he turned to Chastity "The police have been called."

"Police -?"

"We don't know what happened yet –."

She suddenly felt the panic rise, "What you think it was murder followed by suicide!"

Paddy was quick to reassure her "No and neither does Hazel but until we can speak to them properly we can only guess."

"What a mess this is."

:

Hazel sat by Jackson's bed, he looked so tired and wane and had not said much, he wasn't allowed to sleep yet and Hazel would keep shaking him awake, he stared back at her.

"That failed." He finally said

Hazel didn't reply, scared that she'd start crying.

"What happened then?"

Hazel just bit her lip.

Jackson lifted his head with difficulty "Mum -?"

"Paddy found you."

Jackson's eyes rolled into the back of his head and he scoffed weakly "- Maybe next time "

Hazel lifted her head to the ceiling and tried to stare the tears away, she took a deep breath "you do know that Aaron took an overdose as well -"

"- what"

"You didn't know," Jackson just stared at her.

"So you didn't plan this together?"

Jackson scrunched up his eyes "They were for me, they were all meant for me." His chest hitched "Is he ok?"

"He's fine," Jackson visibly relaxed "the police will be here soon, they need to know that this wasn't attempted murder."

Jackson closed his eyes, he wanted to sleep forever.

Two hours later the doctors had decided to let him sleep, the police had come earlier and were happy that there was no foul play, understanding that this was a tragic story and no one was to blame. Throughout the questioning Jackson had been emotionless even when Aaron was mentioned but Hazel had been in tears. She stayed sat beside him keeping vigil, never wanting to let him out of her sight again.

She'd never felt so terrible before, not even when Jackson had the original accident. Hazel blamed herself completely, she knew her own mental state that morning, knew that she had considered Jackson's wishes carefully, how could she not have realised that Aaron was thinking the same.

Hazel was interrupted by Jerry entering the room "I'm sorry, I didn't realise I had a voicemail, I would have come sooner."

Hazel waved off his apology

"He's alright?"

"Yeah."

Jerry let out a shuddering breath "right," he said collecting himself "Where'd he get the pills from?"

Hazel didn't want this conversation; she didn't want to answer him "Hazel?"

"Aaron."

Jerry's jaw hardened "Aaron!"

"Sssh, keep your voice down," she led him to the hall way.

"Aaron tried to kill my son."

"That's not helping."

"Aaron tried to kill my son!"

Hazel felt herself shake, the stress of the day overwhelming her "YES! And then he tried to kill himself as well!" she fell to the nearest seat and dropped her head into her hands "Everything has got out of hand Jerry".

:

Eleven o'clock in the evening and Hazel, Jerry, Chastity and Paddy was huddled around a canteen table, they had hot drinks and sandwiches but none of it was being consumed.

Chas spoke first "I'm sorry Aaron did this –"

Hazel was quick to interrupt "- it wasn't his fault."

"No?"

"No," Jerry confirmed

"Jackson has made it very hard over the last few weeks; both me and Aaron have found it hard to keep perspective."

Chastity narrowed her eyes "Did know he was going to do this –"

"No, but the way things were going, I should have seen it coming. I especially didn't know that Aaron would try and join him."

They remained quiet for a moment "I should have known," said Paddy, three sets of eyes looked to him to disagree "Aaron told me the other day that he wouldn't live without him – I didn't take it literally."

Jerry dropped his head to his hands "What now?"

"The psychiatrist is coming to see Jackson in the morning, I'm going to make sure that we get the help we need."

"and Aaron?"

Chastity nodded sadly "same thing –"


	15. Chapter 15

**Ok, I'm sorry about all the little cuts from scene to scene. I just think that there is so much ground to cover from everyone's point of view that it's the only way I can do it. This will probably go on for quite a few chapters before there is a whole one dedicated to a single interaction. I hope it doesn't seem too disjointed. **

:

Hazel sat down heavily by Jackson's bedside, it was eight in the morning and she'd just arrived at the hospital. She knew Jackson was awake because the nurses told her; this didn't stop him from pretending to be asleep.

"Morning." Jackson didn't answer and his eye lids didn't move.

"How you feeling?" there was still no answer and Hazel decided to change tactics, "Your dad will be in soon."

Jackson opened his eyes and stared at her as if he was put out that she was there "I said everything I had to say to him last night."

"You didn't say anything."

"Exactly."

Hazel bit her lip, Jackson hadn't seen his dad in weeks, he'd decided that this reconciliation between him and his father was only due to his condition and wanted to save Jerry the energy. Jerry had been honest and admitted it was, but that it didn't make it less real. Jackson had disagreed.

"The Doctor wants you to have some breakfast – nothing solid, so the nurse is going to bring you a yogurt and a cup of tea."

Jackson sighed and closed his eyes; he kept them shut for a long while "Is Aaron ok?"

"Yeah, I saw him last night – he was sleeping."

Jackson nodded, but didn't say anything. Hazel didn't know how to approach the subject, this was a difficult conversation and Jackson wasn't in the most cooperative of moods.

"If you'd of known that Aaron was going to do it as well –"

"- no mum of course I wouldn't of."

"Right," Hazel paused "So his life is worth something and yours isn't?"

Jackson gritted his teeth "Don't start me on that one."

:

Chastity lifted the spoon towards her son, she'd got a larger spoonful of yogurt than she'd intended and didn't want to spill it.

Aaron narrowed his eyes "I can do it myself."

"The nurse said you had trouble lifting a cup earlier."

"Let me do it."

Chastity relented, she wiped some of it back into the pot and handed the spoon over, Aaron weakly guided it but mostly missed, it splodge down the corner of his mouth.

"See." She said and grabbed the spoon from his hand before saving his clothing from the slowly dripping yogurt, "I'll do it"

He moved his head out of reach "When can I see Jackson."

"later."

Aaron closed his eyes, this wasn't the answer he was looking for, he was desperate to see him, "When's later?"

"The doctor needs to do his rounds first, that starts at ten."

"What time is it now?"

"Eight –thirty."

Aaron scrunched up his eyes, his body started to shake from frustration "What's going on?"

Chastity didn't understand.

Tears sprung to Aaron's eyes "He's not ok his? Aaron's breathing started to get shallow, Chastity had seen this before, she knew the signs of a panic attack.

"No listen Aaron," she moved to the bed and grabbed both his arms "I promise you Jackson is fine." Aaron looked around the room, trying to catch his breath. "Look at me," she started taking deep even breaths "We just need to make sure that you're well so that you can take care of Jackson."

Aaron stayed silent as he regained control but his eyes were full of tears.

"Paddy's coming in in a bit; shall I ask him to see Jackson first?"

Aaron nodded.

:

"Knock, Knock." Paddy peered his head around the door, Hazel smiled warmly but Jackson rolled his eyes and looked away, this made Paddy's confidence falter but he entered the room anyway.

"How is everyone?"

Jackson glared at him "I hear I've got you to thank for saving my life."

"Jackson," Hazel's said warningly.

Paddy fumbled with the keys in his hand, "It may not seem like it now, but some day you will feel grateful." Jackson snorted and Paddy shook his head, he didn't recognise the young man in the bed from the one he meet over a year ago. That man had been so friendly, so positive, it made Paddy's chest tighten.

Hazel was fearful that this was going to end in an argument, so she steered the conversation away, "How's Aaron?"

"Fine, I think. I've not seen him yet this morning; I was under strict instruction to come and see you first and report back to him."

Jackson didn't move.

"Any messages for him?"

There was an extended pause as Jackson licked his tongue around his teeth, "Yeah, tell him I never want to see him again."

"He doesn't mean that." Hazel stood up next to Paddy

Jackson gritted his teeth "I've lost the use of my body, not my mind! Tell him I never want to see him again!"

:

Chastity was sat reading a magazine and Aaron lay with his eyes closed, she knew he wasn't asleep because he kept opening them, he was getting stronger but the doctors wanted to keep the saline drip in his arm for another twenty four hours. She heard a soft tapping on the window and turned to find Paddy motioning to her.

Aaron hadn't heard it "I'll just be outside the door, I won't be long."

Once outside Chastity leant back against the wall, she was exhausted.

"How is he?" Paddy asked,

"Ok, frantic to see Jackson"

Paddy nodded, thinking back to Jackson's words "We've got a problem there."

"He's ok isn't he?" her worry spiked, she couldn't cope with telling Aaron any bad news.

"Yeah he's fine." Paddy gently grabbed her arm and led her to some seats opposite Aaron's room. "He doesn't want to see Aaron."

Chastity dropped her head into her hands, she was struggling to cope. She was Aaron's mum and supposed to save the day – she felt like a failure.

"Hazel thinks he'll change his mind, but until then –

"- until then what do we tell Aaron?" Chastity finished. Paddy shrugged.

"Have you spoken to Aaron about anything?"

Chas looked at Paddy "No I thought we were going to do it together."

Paddy nodded "Yeah, just thought you might have changed your mind." He squared his shoulders, "come on."

They re-entered the room to find Aaron with his eyes open, Paddy picked up a chair a moved it closer to the bed. He and Chastity had fretted about this conversation the previous evening; they couldn't believe they were in this nightmare again "Alright mate?"

"Yeah."

"You look better than you did yesterday – more colour,"

Aaron nodded "You see Jackson?" Paddy could see the strain on Aaron's face; it was like this one piece of information was more important than anything else.

"Yeah,"

Aaron swallowed hard "Did he say anything, has he asked to see me?"

Paddy and Chastity shared a look, "Erm." Chas began "the thing is, he's a bit upset at the moment –"

"Ok -."

They shared another look, it wound Aaron up, he hated being treated with kid gloves "Stop looking at each other like that!"

"Ok, ok…. he said" Paddy faltered "He said he didn't want to see you."

Aaron anxiously took a big breath and Chastity leant forward afraid he was going to have another panic attack, but Aaron just nodded his head digesting Paddy's words, "Ok, that's ok."

Two pairs of eyebrows raised in surprise.

Aaron swallowed "He does this all the time, but he never means it. He'll want to see me later, I know he will." He wasn't saying this to Paddy or Chas and it was more like he was trying to reassure himself.

Chastity couldn't take it anymore; she needed to understand what was going on in her sons head "Aaron what you did yesterday."

Aaron closed his eyes "Don't start –"

This got her, Aaron's words were more appropriate when discussing a messy room, not a suicide attempt, "Don't start! Aaron you tried to kill yourself –"

He sighed heavily "Yeah and it didn't work."

She looked at Paddy shocked and his expression matched hers, they couldn't believe that Aaron was speaking so flippantly.

Paddy leant forward "and if it had worked?"

"Well then we wouldn't be having this conversation now would we."

Paddy's eyes widened "Did you want to die?"

Aaron didn't respond, instead he started rubbing his arms distractedly.

"Aaron!" he looked towards his Mother "Are you sorry you woke up?"

Aaron shrugged "Not especially."

Chastity shrugged at Paddy, she didn't know what to say, she couldn't understand her son.

"Ok," began Paddy "So what if you'd woken up but Jackson had died?"

Aaron turned his head away and bit his lip "but he didn't so everything's ok."


	16. Chapter 16

**This will be the last one of my incessant updates and it's back to one a week. Blame real life – I do!**

:

"Hi, I didn't expect you back." Rhona was sat on the couch in Smithy cottage, folding some baby clothes.

Paddy slid from the kitchen step and stayed against the wall for support "Wanted to see you."

"Come here," he dropped down on the couch and Rhona wrapped her arms around him before kissing him "How are they?"

Rhona felt him shake his head "Jackson sees this as an inconvenient setback." She squeezed him before pulling back to see his face "and Aaron?"

"He's happy to go along with Jackson."

"What do you mean?"

Paddy took a deep breath and pulled completely out of Rhona's arms "Jackson lived and so Aaron doesn't mind that he has." It had shocked everyone when Jackson had started suggesting he end his life, but it was almost understandable, he was in a dark place and was struggling to see the positive and whilst upsetting, Paddy could see where it had come from. What he couldn't understand was Aaron's actions, it horrified him that Aaron couldn't seem to separate their existence, whatever Jackson's fate Aaron had decided to follow, it made Paddy fearful of his mental state.

"A psychiatrist is going to have a chat with him at two pm, I'm going to go back for then, me and Chas wont be in there but I want to hear what they think after."

:

"I understand that you won't talk to your Dad?"

Jackson lulled his head towards the doctor in front of him, she had a clip board and was writing notes, "I'm gay – he hates me." Over her shoulder Jackson could see Jerry walking back and forward through the glass. His Mum was sat there and he watched her angrily say something to him, this made Jerry immediately sit down. Jackson smiled it was the sort of exchange he'd seen many times.

"And yet, he's outside wanting to see you."

Jackson shook his head "Guilt."

"Is guilt not a good reason to see someone?

He narrowed his eyes; Jackson hated this bullshit "No he should see me because he loves me – not out of some stupid sense of responsibility."

"Your Mum told me he was turning up almost every day, brought your younger brother around and even asked you to be godfather to him."

"Yeah- " Jackson let the word draw out

"That suggests more than just fulfilling responsibilities."

Jackson huffed heavily "You think what you want and I'll do the same."

He watched the doctor briefly check her notes, before changing tactics "Who is Aaron to you?"

"You know who he is, it says on that piece of paper," He watched her smile.

"Alright, I'll word it differently. What does he mean to you?"

Jackson closed his eyes; he didn't want to deal with this "Nothing."

"I thought he's your boyfriend?"

Jackson knew he was shaking from the anger, he always marvelled how adrenalin was still able to communicate with his body when nothing else could, "Not anymore."

"When did you break up?" She re-checked her notes.

Jackson could fill the rage splitting him in two; he wanted to grab the stupid clipboard from her fingers and snap it in half. He could only lie there, "Shut up."

"Jackson – "

"Shut up you stupid bitch, shut up."

"He must love you very much."

Jackson lost control then, this always happened eventually. He couldn't get up and walk away and was stuck in this never ending circle of not feeling and having to listen to whatever was being forced down his ears.

"I never want to see that stupid fucking idiot again! He's pathetic. Get the fuck out of my room, get the fuck out!" Jackson was screaming at the top of his lungs, it caused he's parents to come running back in followed by a couple of nurses.

"Get her out, get her out!" Jackson knew he was probably turning purple now but the Doctor remained calm.

"Ok Jackson, we'll talk later."

:

"It was stupid, and I wasn't really thinking," Aaron lay playing with the corner of the bed cover; he'd recovered his strength remarkably in the last few hours and was sitting up completely.

The doctor placed his pen to his lips "You're happy that you woke up?"

Aaron nodded, he hated speaking to doctors but realised he couldn't get out of it.

"Your mum and dad seem to think that if Jackson died, you'd try to harm yourself again."

Aaron smirked, everyone thought that Paddy was his dad; he wished he was, "I'm not suicidal."

"Taking over fifty pills would suggest otherwise."

Aaron closed his eyes, he couldn't argue with that. He needed to find a way of getting rid of this annoying Doctor; sure that Jackson was ready to see him now. "Look, it happened and I'm dead sorry. I won't ever do that again."

"You have a history of this behaviour."

The doctor was starting to bother him now; he had the clipped tones of a toff. "I can only convince you I won't do it again by not doing it."

"Fair point" the doctor smiled "If I referred you to a counsellor, would you go?"

"Yes," Aaron gave him an exaggerated nod; he really needed to see Jackson.

:

If Aaron leaned over the bed quite far and really focused, he could make out his mum and Adam having a conversation down the hall, the glass in the window distorted the image slightly but he knew it was Adam – he could pick him out in the dark. He didn't know what was being said but could imagine the focus was on him, 'another chat I could do without' he thought, his mother had been on the way to ask a nurse about visiting Jackson, Aaron really needed to see him.

They were talking for a good twenty minutes before Adam moved away, his image became clearer as it approach the room, Aaron quickly readjusted his covers and steeled himself for the visit.

"Alright," began Adam as he opened the door.

Aaron gave him wary smile "Hi", Adam stared at him for a second.

"What the fuck you playing at?"

Aaron rolled his eyes and slumped down into the bed, he knew Adam would be like this – no one gave tough love quite like Adam. His Mum didn't that often especially since the last 'incident' and Paddy even rarer. But Aaron could always rely on Adam; sometimes he was so up front it was embarrassing.

"No harm done."

Adam spluttered on his words "No harm done! Your mum and Paddy think you're off your head –"

"We'll I'm not."

"Use phrases like 'no harm done' that will convince them!"

"Adam, it's fine," Aaron could see him losing his composure.

"How can this be fine? You tried to top yourself – again."

Aaron huffed loudly "This isn't about me."

"Right, of course, Jackson…" Adam dropped his head to his hand and rubbed at it.

Aaron sat up straighter "Have you seen him?"

"No,"

He felt slightly deflated, the way Adam had said it was as if he'd remembered a message to pass on "I'm going to see him, me mum's talking to a nurse about me getting over there."

Adam dropped his hand and placed one on each hip "Your mum said he didn't want to see you –"

"- that was just this morning."

"He told you that did he?"

Aaron narrowed his eyes; he'd had enough of Adam's company now "No, but that's just what he's like, he'll of changed his mind."

"We'll maybe you should wait a bit."

"No," he clenched his jaw; he'd been waiting for over twenty four hours now and was fed up "I've had enough." Aaron started pushing down the covers.

"At least wait until your mum brings a nurse."

"No," Aaron wobbled as he climbed down from the bed.

"Look at you, you're not even steading on your feet." Adam reached out to help him, panicking.

"I'm fine," he pushed Adams arm away.

"you've got a drip in your hand."

"Sorted,' Aaron curled the cord around his fingers and yanked it out, he hadn't expected the tube to be so tight and it hurt as it pulled on his skin, he hissed in pain.

"You're right; this isn't crazy behaviour at all!"

"Get lost Adam."


	17. Chapter 17

Adam watch Aaron lean heavily against the door frame before pushing himself off into the hospital corridor, he could see that he shouldn't be walking yet "Aaron that drips in your hand for a reason,"

"Yeah, they can put it back after," Aaron called back not stopping or slowing, not that he was going that fast anyway, he was still very unsteady. Adam looked around, he couldn't see Chas and there was no one at the nurses' station.

"Fine I'm coming with you."

"Whatever." He carried on up the corridor towards the doors leading off the ward, if Adam hadn't of been so worried, he would have laughed, his friend was wearing one of those stupid hospital gowns (luckily with a closed back) and had no shoes on, he was holding the wall as he walked and looked like a madman.

Aaron walked about ten metres before slowing and Adam walked around in front once he'd stopped, he watched Aaron blow out a shaky breath, and noted how pale he'd gone.

"Maybe this wasn't a good idea."

"No kidding!" Adam smacked his own forehead for emphasis before taking Aaron's arm and guiding him to the seats opposite, "Just sit there until I figure out what to do with you."

"What the hell's going on?" Adam heard the unmistaken sound of Chas' voice, he looked up to see her marching towards them, he didn't want to tell her that what was 'going on' was that her son had flipped his lid.

"Aaron's feeling a bit week."

She crouched down in front of Aaron and lifted his chin; Aaron rolled his eyes "I was going to see Jackson,"

"I was getting you a wheelchair."

"You were ages!"

"Half an hour! I told you to hold on."

Aaron crossed his arms and scowled, but the recent activity had knackered him, so it was a half arsed effort.

"He pulled his drip out."

Chastity grabbed Aaron's hand as her eyes widened "Oh Aaron what'd you do that for."

Aaron gritted his teeth "I was going…"

"Yeah yeah, you were going to see Jackson," she interrupted before a sound in the corridor caused all three of them to look up; a nurse was approaching with a wheel chair.

"I'm sorry," Chas shrugged "He started to set off already."

The nurse gently snorted and shock her head amused, she sat down next to Aaron to take a good look at him, "Couldn't wait huh Aaron?"

"No,"

"Like Romeo and Juliet, you two." Adam winced at the nurses words', considering the ending of that story it wasn't the best thing to say and Adam could see it in the nurses attractive face – she knew she'd but her foot in it.

"Err," She'd looked up apologetic but luckily for her Chastity had bigger worries.

"He doesn't look well and he's pulled out the drip."

The nurse sighed loudly, "Aaron you have been violently sick and you need to take it easy. Let's put that drip back in."

"You can put it back in afterwards." Adam could see how determined Aaron was and watched the nurse look up at Chastity unsurely.

"Well I guess it would be ok for a bit."

Chas sighed warily, clearly nervous, she'd obviously thought that this development would delay Aaron going to Jackson and from what he'd been told Adam could understand why. Jackson wasn't going to be happy and they didn't know what effect this would have on Aaron.

He watched Chastity square her shoulders "Right come on then, but I'm coming with you."

"Me too." Adam confirmed.

:

Chastity gently knocked on the door; on the other side Hazel nodded before getting up to open it, her and Chas shared her look whilst Aaron was wheeled in, behind them Adam and the nurse followed.

"Hello Aaron love," Hazel greeted. Aaron hadn't seen her since and he was suddenly aware that he'd tried to kill her son; he couldn't look her in the face.

"Jackson, look who's here to see you." Jackson stared resolutely at the ceiling; Aaron felt his chest restrict slightly, the relief of seeing his boyfriend was so intense he felt like crying.

"Hi Jackson," he didn't answer, he looked so small propped up in the hospital bed. Aaron licked his lips cautiously before turning to everyone else in the room, "Can you give us a minute."

Chastity shook her head "No."

"Mum"

"It's going to be a long time before you'll both be allowed alone together."

"Its fine," Jackson turned his head towards Aaron "We've not got any reason to be in the same room as each other never mind alone."

"Jackson –"

Anger jumped to Jackson's features quickly "Don't 'Jackson' me; I don't want anything to do with you again."

Aaron shook his head "You don't mean that."

"You had to do one thing didn't you but you couldn't even get that right!"

Aaron didn't know what to say.

"158 pills Aaron, that's how many we had," Jackson was saying this through clenched teeth, he didn't care that everyone else was watching, "We counted them together."

Aaron nodded barely.

"SO WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T I TAKE 158 PILLS!"

"Jackson –", Hazel went over to calm her son but she knew he was only going to get more hysterical.

He took some heavy breaths "This was about me getting a bit of peace, but no, you had to still get in on the act. Had to make it about you –"

"I didn't mean –"

Jackson scoffed "Didn't mean what? To hurt me? To course any trouble? That's all you do….!"

"Come on now…" Chas tried to interject

"SHUT UP," Jackson screamed, she hadn't experienced first-hand how Jackson could be and it took her back.

"You ruined my life."

"No –"

"I can't move because of you –"

Aaron swallowed hard "It was an accident,"

"I can't move below my fucking neck because of your selfishness," Jackson spat as he lashed out with his words, "You had a chance to make it right and you still FUCKED UP!"

"I'm sorry," Aaron eyes welled up, he wanted to get up out of the wheel chair and beg Jackson for his forgiveness but he was rooted to the seat.

"SORRY?" Jackson's chest heaved "WHAT AM I MEANT TO DO WITH SORRY!"

"Please," the nurse said "We all need to calm down", the noise was attracting others.

"Get out of this room."

"Please Jackson," Aaron sobbed on his words.

Jackson turned to look at him, his features contorting into an ugly sneer "If I ever see you again I'm going to tell the police that you tried to kill me".

:

Ten minutes later, they got Aaron back to his room and reattached his drip, the nurse had been gently chatting the whole time but no one else had anything to say – she was clearly more equipped to deal with this sort of thing.

Adam grabbed a chair and turned it, sitting back to front, he rested his arms on the top, Chastity had gone to have a chat with the nurse.

"You ok?" Aaron had unshed tears in his eyes; his mouth was slightly open as if he was in a daze. Adam touched his arm to get his attention "Aaron, are you ok?"

Aaron nodded before licking his lips, the rest of his body was so rigid Adam could see it shake from the tension,

"Yeah."


	18. Chapter 18

**Has everyone seen May 10th & 11th's episode - Broke my heart!, also what does everyone think of the direction of story on TV. It would be nice to hear some of your thoughts.**

:

Paddy strode towards Aaron's room, eager to make sure he was ok, He'd not heard anything from the hospital overnight, although that didn't mean much. He and Chastity had left Aaron the previous evening pretty upset, they'd not wanted to but the nurse had assured them that she would keep an extra eye on him – although this didn't make Paddy feel any better.

Aaron had gone to see Jackson that afternoon and by all accounts it had been pretty horrendous, Jackson even threatening to accuse Aaron of murder. Later that afternoon when he'd turned up at the hospital Aaron had been in a terrible state, he barely said a word and couldn't eat any food. He and Chas had ended up making casual conversation with the hope it would encourage Aaron to join in, but it didn't work.

Paddy smiled warmly at the nurse who'd sent them home last night, she was stood at the nurse's station and whilst seemed pleased to see him, she also had a strange look on her face.

"Mr Kirk –"

"Morning, everything ok?"

The nurse gave a half smile "It is now; Aaron went missing around 3.30 this morning."

"What –"

"It's ok," she quickly reassured him, "We were all well briefed and we knew where to find him."

"Did he actually see Jackson?" he hated the idea of the lad screaming at him again.

"Yeah he did, but he was only about 10 minutes in front of us, we found him sat in a chair watching Jackson sleep."

Paddy felt fearful "He was just sat there wasn't he?"

The nurse touched Paddy's arm "Don't worry; he wasn't trying to do anything."

He sighed relieved, "how was he when you brought him back?"

"Exhausted, still not saying much, he'd not been able to sleep so we gave him a sleeping pill, but he's awake now."

Paddy smiled appreciatively "I'll go in then."

When Paddy walked in Aaron was half sat up in bed and as the nurse said awake, he looked towards Paddy but otherwise didn't react.

"You alright mate?" Aaron barely nodded, he didn't look happy or angry or sad, he just looked lost, "can you speak?"

"Yeah –" but Aaron's voice sounded hoarse and there was little effort spent forming the word.

"The nurse said you went for a walk last night."

Aaron bit his lip and nodded slowly, he wasn't looking at Paddy and the gesture was exaggerated as if he wasn't paying attention to his movements.

"You pull your drip out again?" Aaron repeated his nodding motion.

This behaviour frightened Paddy; it reminded him of the way Aaron reacted when he found out that his mum knew he was gay. Aaron had been sat on the surgery floor after trashing it, he looked grief stricken and then he'd tried to kill himself. Somehow though, now seemed even worse because at least Aaron spoke a little back then.

"Come on mate talk to me."

Aaron licked his lips "I'm fine Paddy, just tired."

"You feeling a bit heart sick because of Jackson?"

Aaron scowled at the Paddy's use of sappy words and shot him a disgusted look, which relieved Paddy 'still Aaron in there then,' he thought.

"Your mum will be in soon,"

Aaron looked at Paddy unsurely "Will you go and see if Jackson will talk to me?"

Paddy sighed, "Aaron –"

"Please,"

"Ok,"

:

"How are you feeling today?"

"I don't feel anything –" Jackson was tired of this doctor, he wanted her to leave him alone.

"Emotionally?"

Jackson chewed on his lip for a moment – emotionally he felt drained, he'd never known unhappiness until the accident, before it didn't matter what his problem was he could always see a way around it, but not this – this was forever.

"Tired –"

The Doctor gently prompted him "Can you elaborate,"

"Tired of this life."

"What are you tired of?"

Jackson could feel his anger rising, if he could he would have been tapping his foot angrily; he always used to do that when he was frustrated. Instead, he counted silently to ten. Yesterday when the psychiatrist had spoken to him he'd ended up losing it and screaming at her, looking like a madman this is why is needed to remain calm, he needed for her to understand that he was rational.

"I'm tired of my life, tired of being treated the way I am –"

"How do you feel you're being treated?"

"Like a child."

"By who?"

Jackson didn't want to talk anymore, he'd had enough, he huffed aggressively.

"Jackson we're just talking."

"Fine," he gritted his teeth, "Mum, Aaron – their always having secret chats, making decisions for me"

The doctor checked her notes "Your Mum said that you stopped making your own decisions weeks ago, wouldn't pick out what to wear or eat?"

"I'd had enough, didn't see the point."

"But before that they let you pick?"

Jackson rolled his tongue around his teeth "Yeah –"

She looked at him steadily "Ok, so they _were_ letting you make decisions." Jackson didn't answer "You said they were always having secret chats, do you know what they were about?"

"Yeah, me."

"About?"

"Me of course, about what they're going to do with me."

"Do with you?"

"You know… worrying about me," Jackson forced his head back into the pillow, his words sounded pathetic even to him.

"If a person worries about you it means you're like a child?"

Jackson had had enough now "Can you go please."

"_I'm_ worried about you – am I treating like a child?"

"I'm tired."

"Ok, one last thing," she caught his eye "being an adult has nothing to do with a person's capabilities, it is completely about the choices that he or she makes concerning their lives, in whatever situation they find themselves in."

Jackson scrunched up his eyes "Thank you for the pep talk, I'm tired, please leave."


	19. Chapter 19

Paddy opened the door leading to Jackson's ward, through the small round window he had spotted Hazel and Jerry talking to a doctor, he'd considered turning around but knew it would be a wasted journey and have to come straight back if he had no news for Aaron. He patiently leant against the wall and tried to gauge if their conversation was coming to an end, not wanting to interrupt. Luckily Hazel spotted him and they all turned to look, the doctor then reassuringly grabbed Hazel's arm before moving away.

Paddy tentatively stepped towards them "I'm sorry I didn't mean to interrupt."

Hazel waved off his apology "Its fine, we were finished anyway."

"How's Jackson?"

"I don't know," Jerry shrugged bitterly "he still won't let me in his room."

This told Paddy all he needed to know, Jackson's attitude hasn't changed and he couldn't imagine that it might towards Aaron.

Hazel touched Jerry's arm to console him "Just give it time."

"How much?"

"I don't know."

"I can't believe you let it get this far –", he pulled his arm away

"- Me!"

Paddy stood uncomfortably watching, waiting for the argument to escalate.

"You were meant to be looking after him!"

Hazel's body started to shake and her volume increased, "only because you were never around!"

"He wouldn't let me –"

"Yeah, well maybe if you'd of been a better father in the first place!"

"Please," Paddy interrupted "this isn't helping."

Jerry looked at him dangerously "It was your Aaron that did this."

Paddy swallowed hard and stood his ground, Jerry was an intimidating man when he wanted to be, but he wouldn't allow him to blame Aaron, "What's happened is awful and tragic; please don't put this on Aaron because you're scared."

"Right," Jerry took a step back and lowered his head; he started tapping his fingers against his thigh "I'm sorry – we need to stick together."

"Yeah," Paddy agreed, he turned to Hazel and watched her nod grudgingly, "What's happening next?"

Jerry was still trying to calm down but Hazel had already managed it "That was the psychologist again, Jackson's doesn't feel any better about his life but at least he's sort of telling her about it."

"Sort of?"

"Mostly it's snide sarcastic comments, but he's not pretending that everything is ok so at least she can see for herself how bad things are."

Paddy nodded "When's he allowed home."

Hazel shrugged, "I don't know, social services are concerned that it might happen again," she suddenly stiffened and her voice hitched "I…." she faltered "I told them that I might of ending up helping him myself – if it hadn't been for that day at the beach."

"A day at the beach"

"Yeah," she let out a shaky breath "I'm telling you Jerry, I was close but that tiny bit of space put it all into perspective."

Jerry looked at her sombrely "I promise you, you won't be in that situation again."

"No I won't," she sucked on her cheeks to stop herself from crying.

"We've all got to take care of each other now." Paddy agreed

Hazel nodded, appreciating Paddy's gesture "How is Aaron today?"

He crossed his arms tightly, "they took the drip out of his arm this morning and their going to discharge him after lunch," Paddy looked at her unsurely "He's agreed to see a counsellor, but that won't start for a few weeks."

Hazel cocked her head "You seem doubtful."

Paddy snorted "Can you see Aaron talking to anyone?"

"No."

"No, me neither – he was saying it to shut the doctor up."

"What will you do?"

"Watch him – round the clock if we have too…..It wouldn't be the first time."

Jerry nodded "I heard that he's done this before."

Paddy sighed deeply, it was the beginning of another nightmare only this time there was Rhona and the baby to think of as well, "Chas has taken some time off work, but she won't be moving back in this time – we've even discussed Rhona and the baby going to stay at Marlon's –"

Jerry's eyes widened "You think it's not safe?"

"Aaron wouldn't hurt either of them but sometimes he finds it hard to handle things and I don't want them caught in the cross fire – we're going to see how it goes,"

Hazel nodded; she'd seen how Aaron reacted when he struggled to cope.

Paddy took a breath "I know one thing that would make him going home easier - Jackson speaking to him."

Both Hazel and Jerry shook their heads.

"You don't understand how desperate he is to see Jackson –"

"- he won't see him"

"But-"

Hazel stepped towards him "You take Aaron in that room and Jackson will scream blue murder, literally – you do know that Jackson threatened him with the police?"

Paddy nodded and stepped forward, he held Hazel's gaze, "I'm telling you, seriously - I am scared that Aaron will try and harm himself again if Jackson doesn't see him soon and I'm_ begging_ you to try and change his mind."

Hazel's eyes grew teary, "Ok."


	20. Chapter 20

"You're serious?" Jackson looked at the doctor incredulous; he couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"It's a thought."

"Yeah a stupid one." Jackson turned to look at his mother; she was holding her breath "let me guess you've already agreed."

Hazel stayed silent and looked at her son sadly.

"This is the first you're mother has heard of it, this is your decision not hers."

Jackson tilted his head back and closed his eyes, he felt so angry and desperately wished he'd never woken up, "what would be the point?"

He heard the doctor shift in her seat, "Ok, I apologise if I sound patronising but I'm going to explain this simply, ok?"

Jackson kept his eyes closed but the doctor continued anyway, "You're angry and frustrated which causes you're family to fret for you, which leads them to having secret chats about you. Agree?"

"Yeah –" he said the word with a sarcastic drawl and rolled his eyes.

"Which in turn makes you feel like a child and helpless and encourages negative feelings and makes you fixate on your lost independence. This makes you even angrier and causes everyone to fret further".

Jackson snorted

"You go around in a circle, but there is one thing we can do to stop this –"

"- take a pillow to my face until I stop breathing."

"- Or we help you to lose the anger."

Hazel stayed sat in the corner, she was quiet but Jackson knew she was desperate to join in, he'd never seen so much restraint from the women, he turned to the doctor "So this place in London is going to stop me from feeling angry and will completely turn around my opinion about living," he'd never heard anything so ridiculous.

The doctor studied him intently and touched her finger tip to her lips for a moment, he watched her and in that moment hated her more than anyone in the world, because she could to do that gesture and he couldn't, "It's a stupid idea."

"The place is for ex-service men who suffer permanent disabilities; they have all the equipment and the right doctors to help with the emotional fallout from your accident."

Jackson gritted his teeth, "Emotional fallout!"

She moved closer and touched his arm; he didn't feel it "Yes, in simple terms the anger, depression and despair is just emotional fallout."

"Forget it."

"Ok," she nodded " But you're already so angry and so depressed, the worse that will happen is that after a few months you'll still feel the same – or you could feel better."

Jackson looked at her, he didn't dare hope that she could be right, "and if I want to leave?"

"You're there voluntary; you can go anytime you want."

He turned to look at his mother, she had her hands clamped together tightly and was leaning so far forward he thought she might topple off, he was proud of her though, she hadn't said a word and he could easily imagine how hard that was. She looked so desperate, "Ok, I'll give it a try."

:

"I'm really proud of you."

Jackson rolled his eyes "Don't get to excited, I might leave after a day."

Hazel swallowed hard and jingled her legs up and down nervously "Yeah, but you're giving it a go and that's all anyone can ask."

"Leave it Mum."

"Sorry." She hated that she was always tip toeing around her son; she wanted her happy boy back.

"I want some sleep." It was a hint and not a very subtle one but Hazel remembered her conversation with Paddy from earlier.

"One more thing," Jackson huffed loudly but she ignored him "What about Aaron?"

He closed his eyes.

"I know you're angry with him but he's desperate to see you."

"I don't care."

"I know you don't blame him."

Jackson head shot up from the pillow, he glared at his mother intently "That stupid kid put your son in a wheel chair."

"Jackson –"

"What's wrong with you huh? You're the most over protective mother I know but you still let me date the psycho , even after he battered me - and got his dog killed!"

Hazel couldn't believe she was hearing this "Are you blaming me?"

Jackson took a deep steadying breath "No."

"He tried to kill himself as well."

"_Yeah cause he's a head case." _

Tears filled Hazel's eyes "I can't believe I'm hearing this – you love him". She watched him trying to maintain a clenched jaw and shake his head dismissively.

"I hate him; I hate what he's done to me."

She bit her bottom lip "Paddy told me that he thinks Aaron will try it again. He thinks unless he sees you he'll fall apart."

"That's stupid," but Hazel could see by the look on Jackson's face that her words affected him.

"Is it? We both know what he's like – would this really be out of character?"

Jackson gave his head a small shake a sniffed, trying to stop the tears falling.

"What if you come out of that hospital in London and realise that life is worth living but Aaron's already gone and killed himself –"

:

Aaron was sat on the hospital bed, he was fully dressed and his mother was in a chair nearby, he'd just been discharged. Outside Paddy was taking a phone call; he was hoping it was from Hazel.

"Aaron love you need to breath."

He looked towards his mother, not realising he was holding his breath, Paddy was walking backwards and forwards in short lines and Aaron whole body had been following –it probably looked quite amusing.

"I just need to see Jackson –"

Chastity sat leant forward in her chair "I know you do." Aaron had gone back to watching Paddy, he felt something touch his hand and realised his mother was trying to get his attention.

"Even if Jackson agrees to see you, it doesn't mean he's going to be happy."

Aaron pulled his hand away "Yeah I know –"

"Ok," she took a deep breath "What if he says it's over between you?"

Aaron shrugged "I'll top myself."

Chastity's eyes widened alarmed but Aaron grinned at her "Of cause I won't, things will be fine."

"Yeah?" she replied doubtfully

Aaron nodded, a couple of second later Paddy re-entered the room "Come on then, let's go see him."


	21. Chapter 21

Paddy gently knocked on the room door, acting as a shield against any negative reaction but Aaron wanted to see Jackson and peered around his shoulders eager not to wait any longer. He could see Jackson not even react to their entrance and he suddenly felt scared, his insides begin to twist and he started to shake but he was still going in because nothing was going to stop him.

Hazel who was always quick to apologise for her son's rudeness jumped up from her chair to greet them. She was bright and cheery and everyone could see how fake it was and how she was clinging to normality, even she did but that didn't stop her, "How you all doing?"

Paddy picked up her note of casualness and acted in kind "We're all great." Behind, Aaron could feel his mother tense up, he was thankful she'd not gone in first – she hadn't seen Jackson since their last stand off and Aaron suspected she wouldn't have been able to keep so calm. They all firmly moved into the room but Jackson still didn't responded, he lay staring at the ceiling and had a hard set his jaw that Aaron had seen many times. Aaron suddenly felt sick, he'd been confident that Jackson would be happy to see him by now, his mouth was made of cotton and his heart beat quickened and he couldn't think what to say.

Luckily Hazel never struggled for words, she was quick to fill the silence "Have they discharged you then?"

Aaron thought it was a stupid question because Paddy had obviously already told her, he didn't bother to respond.

"Yeah about half an hour ago," Paddy added helpfully

"Bet you're glad to be going home,"

Aaron noted that Jackson swallowed hard; he watched his lips purse further together as he did.

"Yeah you're glad aren't you mate."

He just continued to stare at Jackson willing him to look back.

The room had gone really quiet and Aaron could feel Paddy and his Mum exchanging looks, he hated it when they did that – they were not discreet.

"So how are you then Jackson?" Chas chimed in, she hated awkward silences and could always be relied on to interrupt.

Jackson said nothing he didn't move an inch.

Aaron could feel himself shake more and his vision went blurry from the tears filling his eyes, he was going to have to leave without Jackson speaking to him and the thought almost made him sick. He hated an audience, hated being vulnerable in front of other but he had no choice - he was desperate, "Please talk to be Jackson."

Nothing.

"Please," Aaron took a small step forward; the other three people in the room went on edge, not knowing what would happen next. He moved his fingers to his mouth and felt them trembling heavily, the tears that thickened his eyes started to fall. He watched Jackson blink rapidly.

"Please." This last plea cracked on his lips, he sound so small and pathetic to his own ears and Aaron could feel that he was about to break down.

There was a second were everyone held their breath; the room went quiet and even the littlest noise from outside was magnified. Jackson lay so still that he could have been a statue, but then suddenly if he could have moved his shoulders, they would have dropped. He turned his head to look at Aaron, "Are you ok?" Jackson said this so quietly but the relief it gave Aaron made him think he would collapse.

Aaron's voice shuddered "Yeah," he said nodding rapidly "Yeah."

Jackson turned to look at everyone else in the room "Could you give us a minute, please".

Paddy, Chas and Hazel looked towards one another unsurely.

"It's fine, keep the door open a bit if you want just please wait outside."

Aaron watched his own mother look at Jackson intently, "I don't want a rematch from the other day," it was a warning and any other day would have made Aaron yell at his mother for interfering but he couldn't get past that Jackson was talking to him – nothing else registered.

The three of them shuffled out and pulled the door until it was open only a crack but they were still right outside listening to every word. Aaron shuffled were he stood, he wanted to sit by Jackson or hug him or kiss him or do all three, he didn't know if he was allowed.

"Why did you do it?"

Aaron swallowed "I'm sorry."

"That's not an explanation."

He chewed on his bottom lip; this wasn't about him it was about Jackson "I'm sorry I let you down."

"Was it a spare of the moment thing or did you plan it straight away?"

Jackson took a deep breath and let it out slowly, "Will you answer me."

Aaron shook his head minutely and fresh tears filled his eyes "I was always going to do it –"

"Why?"

"Cause," he placed his fingers back to his lips and they started to shake again "I don't want to be without you."

Jackson closed his eyes tightly and a tear leaked from the corner.

"Please don't break up with me, I need you." Outside he could hear shuffling and the door open a creek, "I love you and you love me so let's just forget about everything and start again." He could hear the desperation creeping into in his voice.

Jackson shook his head "It's not as simple as that."

Aaron froze and his heart stopped.

"I'm going away –"

"Away?"

"To London."

"Why?

"There's a hospital there that helps people with serious disabilities, the psychiatrist thinks it could help me."

"For how long?"

Jackson shook his head and looked towards Aaron another tear fell down his cheek "I don't know, a few months?"

"Months!"

"Yeah."

Aaron rubbed at his head frantically "Ok," he said looking around the room feeling panicked "Ok but London's only a few hours away, I can come visit can't I?"

Jackson didn't respond.

"_Can't I Jackson_!" Aaron felt the nausea overwhelm him again and could see Jackson looking at him strangely.

"_Aaron you won't harm yourself again__,__ will you_?"

He felt true panic now "I can come and visit you can't I!" his volume was increasing and it made Paddy re- enter the room.

"Yes, you can come and visit."

Aaron felt his knees buckle and he moved towards the bed, sitting on top heavy with relief, he took Jackson's hand in his own; "I knew you wouldn't tell the police what you said. I knew you still loved me."

Jackson looked away guiltily but when he turned back at Aaron he still had a strange look in his eye, "What have I done to you?"

Aaron shrugged and traced the outline of Jackson's lips "We do it to each other – that's why we belong together." Jackson looked at him warily.

"When are you going down?"

Jackson still looked at him oddly, "this afternoon."

"I could come with you if you want, help you settle in?" He squeezed Jackson's hand, even though he couldn't feel it.

"Err, the doctor wants me to go alone, even Mum's staying up here. "

Aaron felt despondent and new tears sprung to his eyes "So when can I come up?"

"I'm not sure, I'll call you."

"You promise?" he watched Jackson look behind and turned around, everyone was back in the room, they were all sharing strange looks on their faces.

"Yeah I promise."

Paddy interrupted "It's time to go now."

"Why can't I stay here?" he felt irritated at their interference.

"Because Jackson needs to get ready and you need your rest."

Aaron sighed deeply and then leant forward "I love you," he took Jackson's lips in his own and kissed them softly, he ignored that Jackson didn't really kiss him back. It got up and turned back to the bed but was taken aback by the scared look on Jackson's face.

"You'll look after him won't you?," Jackson said this to Paddy and Chas, they nodded sombrely.

"It's you that needs looking after, don't worry about me."


	22. Chapter 22

Jackson watched Chastity and Paddy gently lead Aaron out of his room. He'd remained looking at Jackson until he had no choice but to turn his head; just as he did he mouthed 'I love you.' Jackson gave Aaron a small smile in return; the whole encounter had left him feeling scared.

"You ok?" Hazel had resettled in a chair, she was watching Jackson intently.

"No. That was really strange… Aaron isn't ok is he?"

"I told you how worried everyone is; the doctor told Paddy that he needs to keep a close eye to make sure he doesn't do it again."

Jackson closed his eyes firmly, "I did this to him." He wasn't really a question more of a fact.

"You know Aaron – by all accounts he's never been that stable."

Jackson thought back to everything he's ever seen Aaron do and he had to agree with his Mum's words, "He wasn't himself today; he doesn't care about anyone but me."

Hazel snorted softly "That's not just today."

"I knew he loved me, I just didn't believe that he'd rather die than be without me."

Hazel shrugged, "Well now you do." There was a moment's pause "This is nice, you and me having a conversation without you screaming at me."

Jackson cocked his head and sighed sadly, "I'm sorry for everything but you don't know what it's like for me, I feel so angry and sad and hateful all the time – I can't help it."

"But you're not screaming now?" She placed her hand on his arm.

"No," tears filled Jackson's eye "It's difficult to care about your own situation when the man you love wants to harm himself."

"So imagine that you've had weeks of that and you just can't handle it anymore."

The tear slipped down Jackson's cheek "What have I done to him?"

Hazel wiped the tear from Jackson's face "This is why you need to go to that hospital and really work hard to get yourself better," her voice cracked "promise me you'll get better?"

Jackson rolled his tongue around his lips; he took a shuddering breath "I will."

:

Aaron was settled on the couch at Smithy Cottage, his Mum was sat next to him and Paddy was making coffee, she leant forward and gently rubbed his arm, "You ok love?"

Aaron looked at his Mother; she was always asking him that. She said this to him more in the last year of his life than she had in the first 18 of them, even now it was disconcerting.

"You don't have to worry about me, everything is fine."

Paddy entered with a tray of tea and some biscuits, he handed them around.

"Is that because Jackson spoke to you?" his Mother continued.

Aaron rolled his eyes "Mum just let it go."

Chastity clenched her jaw, frustrated once again at Aaron's flippantness, "It's difficult to leave things when they involve your son trying to kill himself…. for the second time I might add."

"Mum…, " Aaron replied warningly.

Paddy who read the signs that an argument was brewing, quickly stepped in. He shot Chastity a look, "We can talk about this later, what's important is that you get yourself better."

"I'm feeling fine", he then added "I need to get the number for this hospital Jackson is going to, he might not be allowed his mobile."

Chastity and Paddy exchanged a look, Aaron felt his blood boil, he'd lost count how many times he'd seen them do it, "Why do you keep doing that – you do know I can see you!"

"What?" Asked Paddy confused.

"Sharing looks, I'm not a child."

Paddy shifted uncomfortably, he'd wanted to leave it for today but knew he couldn't "Aaron we're really worried about you, don't you understand? You don't seem to be able to think about anything other than Jackson."

Aaron shrugged angrily "He is my boyfriend…."

"Please tell us honestly….."

"For god sake!" Aaron stood up quickly to escape the room but Paddy had anticipated this and moved to block him. He took Aaron's arms in his hands and tried to look him in the eye.

"Please tell us honestly… if Jackson had of died would you of tried to kill yourself again."

Aaron fidgeted uncomfortably and wouldn't meet Paddy's gaze "No," he said after a pause.

"You look me in the eyes and say that."

Aaron jiggled his legs nervously on the spot, before steeling himself, "No," but he bit his lip to stop the tears falling.

Paddy sighed and loosened his grip slightly "You're lying Aaron, I always know when you're lying."

Angrily he broke out of Paddy's grasp, "Don't ask me then…" and he stormed up stairs slamming his bedroom door.

Behind Chastity sighed "What are we going to do?"

:

"Alright?" Cain walked through the door of Smithy cottage and wiped his feet on the door mat, he had his hands stuffed into his pockets. Paddy and Chastity had moved into the kitchen so they could listen out for Aaron in his bedroom, they didn't trust him and had been popping their heads around the door every 15 minutes, he was currently asleep.

"Where is he then?"

Chastity motioned upstairs "Asleep."

"How's he doing?"

"On top of the world," Chastity laughed humourlessly but Cain didn't get the joke, Paddy filled him in.

"He saw Jackson before we left the hospital, so he's feeling ok. We don't know how long it will last – Jackson's going to London for a bit to get some rehabilitation."

Cain nodded, understanding the implications "So how long will it be before Jackson comes back?"

"A few months, maybe a bit longer."

"Ok so what's the problem as long as he knows he'll see him again –"

Chastity clenched her teeth "That's not the point! It's not right. Aaron tried to top himself – _that's not normal behaviour__!_"

Cain held his hands up "We've all done daft things for love – just look at me."

She lost her temper then, _"Yeah but __you __never tried to kill yourself because of Charity did you!"_

Paddy settled his hand on her arm to diffuse the situation, "You'll wake Aaron."

_"Get out Cain_."

"Alright," Cain conceded gently, "You know where I am when you need me Sis. You want me to come and sit with Aaron just let me know."

Chastity felt terrible then "I'm sorry –"

Cain looked at her sadly "Keep your chin up."

:

Upstairs Aaron could hear a muffled argument going on below, he knew Cain was in the house but couldn't deal with going to see him. Instead he picked up his mobile and scrolled down to Jackson's number, an image of his boyfriend flashed on screen as the call was connected but it then went straight to voice mail. Aaron felt panicked; Jackson had always answered his calls even after the accident. He took a deep breath and started the call again but it went straight to voice mail, he felt himself shake. He was about to make a third call when he suddenly clicked that Hazel probably hadn't brought Jackson's phone to the hospital, so it had probably run out of battery.

He placed his own phone firmly insight, because he knew Jackson would phone soon, he had to call because Aaron needed him.


	23. Chapter 23

**Ok, so we all watched the Emmerdale episodes this week and I'm sure it left you in tears as it did me. Originally I had intended for Aaron to live whilst Jackson died, but I'm glad I didn't now, because it's heart breaking enough to watch**.

:

Jackson sat quietly in his chair, looking around the room. He was the only resident staying but there were three other beds and towards the end there was a wet room. Jackson had already used it, a nurse had come to tend to him earlier and she'd only just left. It was half past eight in the morning and outside the room Jackson could hear all the normal commotions of a daily routine. He'd arrived yesterday evening, it was so late that he'd immediately gone to bed and he had yet to look around the facilities, he was waiting for someone to show him where the dining room was. Jackson had never felt more nervous, not even after he was told he was paralysed, at least then he'd had his family around him – now he had no one.

There was a gentle tap on the door and Jackson looked up to see a smartly dressed women smiling at him, she had blonde curly hair and was wearing a grey suit, she looked to Jackson like a social worker.

"Hi, Jackson," she began unsurely, wanting to make sure she had the right person, Jackson nodded.

"My name is Sarah Clarke, I'm the Ward Manager."

"Hi."

She smiled broadly and took a seat opposite Jackson, "It was very late when you got here last night, I understand that the traffic was terrible," She waited for Jackson's confirmation and then continued, "Usually I like to be here to greet new patients and show them around, but I needed to get home to my little boy last night and so I thought I would check in with you now and show you to the dinning room."

Jackson swallowed hard and continued to look at her; he was feeling really knackered and didn't feel that he could cope with a Florence Nightingale routine at the moment. Sarah narrowed her eyes in concern, "Are you ok?"

Jackson nodded.

"No offence but you don't look it."

He nodded again and cleared his throat, "truth is I'm thinking I want to go home."

"Ok, are you telling me that you want to be discharged because we can arrange that. Or that you're scared?"

Jackson looked at her resentfully, "What you're telling me I can just go?"

"Yeah."

Jackson continued to look at her.

Sarah waited a moment and when Jackson didn't say more she gently spoke, "I don't know where you think you are but you've not been sectioned, this isn't a mental health institute. This is a rehabilitation centre."

"I can't be rehabilitated."

"Rehabilitation comes in all forms; this is about giving you the tools to live your life."

Jackson exhaled, "great another pep talk."

Sarah held up her hands, "No pep talk, I promise. I'm just here to introduce myself."

"Ok," Jackson said after studying the women, he was glad because it was too early for that kind of annoying rubbish. He then looked around the room, "Why do I get a space to myself?"

"Just the way it goes, we don't have any other patients at the moment with your type of disability, as you can see this room is equipped to help with your level of care."

Well-equipped it was, Jackson noticed each bed had its own hoist, and there were gadgets all over the room, he suspected that they were all voice activated to accommodate patients like himself, "I see I have my own radio and CD player- where's the TV?"

"There's one in the living area – we don't like to encourage people staying in their rooms."

"Right," Jackson nodded "what about phones?"

Sarah smiled, "there are a couple of voice activated phones, but most patients use their mobiles, if they own one."

"I'm allowed to use my own?" Jackson was surprised; he thought there would be a restriction and that he'd probably be listened to.

"Of course, there is no medical equipment that a signal would interfere with and like I said you've not been sectioned - you're free to do as you please."

"Right," Jackson let out a shaky breath which caused Sarah to look at him, a fresh wave of concern touched her features.

"You look tired; did you not sleep last night?" Jackson shook his head, "You'll be able to talk to the Doctor later, he might suggest sleeping pills."

"Will pills stop me from worrying?"

Sarah raised an eyebrow and Jackson shook his head, "I need to call someone and I couldn't get my phone last night as it was so late, it kept me awake."

"Is it so important that you can't have breakfast first?"

Jackson gritted his teeth, annoyed, "I just said I couldn't sleep didn't I and anyway I thought I could do whatever I wanted!"

"That doesn't include being rude to me," Sarah crossed her arms and stared at Jackson, not willing to be spoken in that tone, Jackson sighed heavily, his annoyance peeking "What! You going to refuse to help me because I said a mean word to you, because that borders on abuse!"

"Of course I will help you," She leant forward to catch Jackson's eye, "You always this aggressive?"

"Yep, didn't you read my case notes!"

Sarah uncrossed her arms taken aback, she sympathised her tone, "Yes I did," she said grimly "and it's a different story to the usual we get in here. This is a military hospital so most patients come from the result of being blown up."

Jackson blinked heavily, "right," he said awkwardly, realising how self-involved he sounded "Everyone has their problems."

"Yes."

Jackson bowed his head," I'm sorry – I'm not exactly starting out as I mean to go on."

"Ok," Sarah Clarke nodded and she smiled at him, "let's start again. Is your phone in the draw?"

"I'm not sure," Jackson kept his head down.

"Am I allowed to look?"

Jackson nodded his head, as Sarah moved to bed side draw; she opened the top and found it immediately, "found it."

"Thanks."

"It's turned off, hold on." Jackson sat as the Ward Manager played with a button and stared at it intently, watching the screen illuminate, "I'm rubbish with phones," She smiled, "I can barely use my own. Right it's on; shall I attach it to your chair?" Jackson nodded and Sarah continued to slip the device into the special phone attachment, Jackson thanked her again. Whilst she did this, notice alarms kept pinging, it meant he had either voice or text messages, "someone's popular."

Jackson voiced commanded the phone to show him the notices, immediately they flashed up, 5 messages and 12 missed calls – they were all from Aaron, Jackson suddenly felt sick.

"You ok?" Sarah must have noticed the worried look on his face, Jackson couldn't hide it. He didn't know what all the missed calls were about but he could imagine that Aaron was probably frantic the previous evening trying to contact him. The whole thing made Jackson feel physically ill, he'd been so wrapped up in his own misery for the last few months that he hadn't given Aaron a thought, Jackson swallowed hard, "those case notes you read?"

"Yeah,"

"They tell you exactly what happened?" Sarah nodded, "so they told you that I want to die?"

"Yes."

Jackson felt his emotions rise, "and did they say that I convinced my boyfriend to help me…" Sarah looked at him sadly. Jackson breath hitched as he tried to stop himself from crying, "and that he tried to kill himself as well just so he could be with me?"

"You must be really worried about him."

"Yeah."

Sarah gently patted Jackson's arm, "I'm going to leave you alone now and let you call your boyfriend."

Jackson nodded his silent thanks.


	24. Chapter 24

Paddy sat on the sofa at Smithy Cottage; he had a blanket wrapped tightly around his shoulders, the previous evening he'd had a restless night and kept waking to check on Aaron. The younger lad had alternated between sleep and wakefulness and at around 4am when he checked Aaron wasn't in his room. Immediately Paddy had panicked, it was Aaron's first night back from hospital and they'd had an argument – leading Aaron to storm to his room and refusing to come out even to eat. Paddy had dashed down the stairs, turning all the lights on as he went, whispering out Aaron's name as loudly as he dared – not wanting to wake Rhona and the baby. Luckily Aaron was sat in the living room, curled up on the sofa; he didn't react to Paddy's presence, but was awake. Paddy's relief was audible.

He'd gently moved round the sofa and dropped down at the other end, Aaron didn't say a word and as Paddy studied him, he could tell Aaron was exhausted, he reached out to rub Aaron's leg, "you alright mate?"

Aaron shifted away and frowned at Paddy, "I'm fine."

"What you doing down here?"

Aaron shrugged.

"Couldn't you sleep?"

"You know I can't, you've been checking up on me all night."

Paddy smiled, "I'm not going to apologize for that, you've got us all really worried," he watched Aaron roll his eyes and sigh loudly, a clear sign that Aaron was getting frustrated, Paddy quickly reassured him, "but I'm not trying to talk to you about it."

Aaron dropped his head to the sofa, apparently mollified, Paddy continued "I'm just going to sit here with you, ok?" and Aaron had nodded.

That was how they had spent the rest of the night, with Aaron curled up one end and Paddy the other, it wasn't a comfortable rest, Paddy kept drifting off and jerking back awake – each time he'd see Aaron sat staring off into the distance. At one point Paddy had tried to pull Aaron into his arms, offering comfort but Aaron had shrugged him off – the younger lad never able to handle kind gestures. Eventually the house had woken to the sound of the baby crying and Paddy disappeared to make Rhona some tea, he reappeared with a second cup and pressed it into Aaron's hands, Aaron didn't respond.

By eight in the morning, daily activity could be heard outside but Aaron still hadn't moved, upstairs Rhona could be heard singing to the baby as he was dressed, Paddy continued to watch Aaron.

"Come on mate, you need to talk to me."

Aaron licked his lips to loosen them, "I'm fine."

"No you're not."

"What do you want me to say?"

Paddy sighed and rubbed his head furiously, "How about you tell me what's just kept you awake all night?" Aaron shrugged.

"Aaron please…" Paddy's plea faded as he watched Aaron press his face into the sofa back, he shuddered a sigh and Paddy suspected the lad was trying to stop tears. Paddy sprung forward and started rubbing Aaron's arm reassuringly, "One thing Aaron, you tell me one thing that's worrying you and I'll leave you alone for the day."

Aaron shrugged again but wouldn't look towards him, "things are messy."

Paddy suspected who Aaron had meant but he needed clarification, "With Jackson?"

"Yeah."

"How do you mean?"

"I've looked after him for months, now I'm not even sure where the hospital he's in is," Aaron's voice was muffled as he spoke, "and last night I tried to call his mobile but it was switched off."

Paddy nodded, "He had a long drive to London and I expect there was a lot to do when he arrived – you know paper work and stuff."

"Yeah, I know."

"We'll go and see Hazel later and get the address and a number to call."

Aaron nodded, seemingly a little assured and turned his face towards Paddy, he still had his head pressed into the sofa and looked so young; Paddy was reminded of a small child after they've just been consoled. "People are going to think I'm crazy."

Paddy cleared his throat, ready to tread carefully – Aaron had just volunteered emotional information and Paddy wanted to keep him talking for as long as possible, "maybe…"

"No, definitely."

Paddy smiled, "and what do you think?"

"It was stupid," Aaron sighed, "and I wasn't really thinking. But I'm not crazy."

"Right," he studied Aaron, wanting to fully accept the younger man's words at face value, but in truth he didn't believe the self-reflective nature of them, Paddy knew that Aaron was deluding himself.

"Jackson's really important to you…"

"He's my boyfriend, so of course."

"So what if Jackson hadn't woken up…." he'd asked this question before and braced himself for the fall out.

Aaron didn't say anything, unusually he looked to be seriously considering Paddy's question instead of mouthing off, Paddy didn't know if this meant he'd get an honest answer or not, "Paddy I would have…."

Aaron's words were interrupted by his mobile ringing, it was so loud that it caused both of them to jump, Paddy cursed it for interrupting. Aaron scrambled to the coffee table and snatched it up and Paddy could see by the smile that split his face who it was, only one man could get that reaction from him.

Aaron was up on his feet and moving around the room, "Hay." Aaron's grin widened when he heard the soft tones of his boyfriend.

"Hay," Jackson responded

"You ok?"

"Yeah, I got here really late last night, I've only just turned my phone on – saw all your messages."

Aaron grinned embarrassed, "Just checking up on you."

"You had me worried."

"Why?"

Jackson sighed, "because one of the messages was from 3 o'clock in the morning, couldn't you sleep?"

Aaron shook his head and then realised Jackson couldn't see him, "no."

"No, me neither," Aaron imagined that he could hear Jackson smiling.

"So how is it there?" Aaron looked over at Paddy who was still sat on the sofa, listening to one side of the conversation; he had a worried expression on his face, which puzzled Aaron.

"I'm not sure yet, I'm going down to breakfast in a minute," replied Jackson.

"You're going to eat something aren't you?" Jackson hadn't eaten steadily for weeks.

"depends what's on offer."

"Jackson –"

"Ok, Ok. What about you? Are you eating?"

Aaron grinned again and looked towards Paddy, "Yeah, straight after we finish this conversation, I fancy bacon sandwiches." This caused Paddy to smile.

"Good."

"So when can I come visit?"

"I'm not sure," Jackson paused "I don't really know the set up, it was so late last night when I arrived, that I've not been explained anything yet."

"Right." Aaron's tone deflated and Jackson was quick to reassure him, "I think the weekend after next will definitely be ok, apparently there is a lot of assessment in the beginning, my Mum has been told that's when she can come."

"Ok, so I'll come down with her."

"Ok."

There was a slight commotion on the other end of the line and Aaron could hear Jackson talking to someone, "Aaron," he said after a moment, "My escort is here, I'll call you tonight ok?"

"Ok, I love you."

"Love you too."

When Aaron ended the call, he turned to Paddy, who hadn't moved. His eyebrows were arched questioningly and he looked a little apprehensive, "How was he?"

"Good," Aaron reassured, "Couldn't you tell by the conversation? He sounded really good."

Paddy smiled, "That's cheered you up."

Aaron looked at him shocked, "I didn't know how he'd be. In the hospital he'd threatened me with the police and even when he'd calmed down he was still a little strange with me -you know when I went to say good bye."

"Yeah."

Aaron rubbed his head relieved, "I said he was like this – up and down – he's just not himself. And I wouldn't be surprised if the next time I speak to him he's angry with me again. That's just how it goes at the moment."

"Hopefully this hospital will help him out."

"I hope so."

Paddy leant forward in his seat, the whole time that Aaron had been talking – he'd been darting around the room excitedly, Paddy had _never _seen him like this before, the lad was almost euphoric and it unnerved him.

"I can tell Paddy; this is going to make everything better!"

"Yeah?"

Aaron started to laugh, "We'll it has to doesn't it!"

"Right," Paddy looked at Aaron wearily, the sudden mood fluxuation was worrying, "shall I make those bacon sandwiches'?"

"Nah, I'm not hungry."

"Aaron-"

"I'll eat later." And he smiled at Paddy before disappearing up the stairs.


	25. Chapter 25

**I'm hopefully going to post lots of update this weekend – if life doesn't interrupt.**

:

Rhona walked into the living room, watching the floor as she went, carefully looking out for anything that might make her trip, she was holding baby Leo, "there you go," she placed him in Paddy's willing arms and watched as he doted over him, she then wrapped her arms around Paddy's shoulders, "I'm glad you're not working today on the amount of sleep you had last night."

Paddy smiled and picked up Leo's hand, watching his little fingers curl, "Me too."

Rhona looked at her partner, he looked exhausted, "Aaron in his room?"

"Yeah."

"Who was he on the phone to earlier?"

"Jackson."

Rhona's eyebrows rose, "Really, did Jackson call him?"

"Yeah."

She smiled broadly but then couldn't understand Paddy's less than happy expression, "but that's a good thing isn't it? After everything that happened in the hospital – it means that he's not as angry?"

"Yeah… hopefully,"

Rhona brushed her fingers gently across Paddy's head, feeling the smooth scalp, "Tell me what you're thinking."

Paddy sighed, "I have faith that Jackson will get better, that maybe in some twisted way Aaron giving him those pills has worked out for the best – it's lead him to get this treatment."

"And Aaron..?"

The baby gurgled and Paddy looked down, smiling and gently rocked him, "I don't know," it suddenly all felt like too much to deal with and so instead he settled down further into the coach, wrapped in Rhona's arms, "although I do know I want to like this forever." And he closed his eyes, Rhona smiled.

A couple of minutes later their peace was disturbed by Aaron hurriedly clambering down the stairs, Paddy and Rhona could hear him moving around the kitchen, they exchanged a look and then Paddy handed over Leo before heading towards the noise.

Aaron was sat on one of the kitchen chairs, he had his overalls on and was tying a boot lace.

"Aaron what are you doing?"

"Going to work."

"but –"

Aaron still had the same big grin from earlier "Paddy its fine – what should I do? Sit round here all day?"

"Yes, at least for today, you've not been home 24 hours!"

Aaron laughed, "right. I know you like worrying, but it's not a problem."

Paddy looked at Aaron, his movements were still erratic,

"have you seen my other boot?" Aaron spoke in an increased volume and he couldn't settle his gaze for long.

"No."

"Damn, I know it's down here somewhere, can't ever find anything with all the baby stuff around," but Aaron wasn't complaining, instead his smile broadened

Paddy stared wearily, he knew Aaron, knew all his moods, knew how he looked when happy but this went beyond happy. He couldn't sit still and it was as if he was high, if this hadn't of started before Aaron went to his room, Paddy would have suspected that he'd taken something whilst up there.

"I need a drink," Aaron suddenly got his feet and reached for the fridge, he grabbed the orange juice, drinking it straight from the carton but some of it spilt down his chins, "shit," he started and absently wiped it a way," he was too late though as it ran onto his t-shirt. "Ahhh, I need to change now!" he looked back towards Paddy, "Can you look for that boot."

Paddy felt genuine alarm at Aaron's erratic behaviour and knew he needed to keep him in the house but with the baby to think of; it needed to be done without creating a commotion. Behind Aaron, Rhona stepped into the room; she had a look of apprehension on her face.

"Aaron wait." Paddy intercepted, he took Aaron by the arms and guided him to a seat, "Just hold on."

Aaron looked alarmed and then squirmed roughly but Paddy held firm. Aaron hadn't had a proper full meal since before he went into hospital and that combined with his lack of sleep had weakened him. Paddy didn't know how to play it, but he wanted to keep Aaron in the house long enough to get Chas and Cain over "Right, listen," Paddy said this loudly as Aaron continued to move, "LISTEN." The younger man slumped slightly, giving up and Paddy sighed in relief, if things escalated he wasn't sure that he could handle Aaron – he'd never managed it before.

"What!"

Paddy thought desperately, "you can go once you've had some breakfast," it was the only thing he could think to say.

Aaron scrunched up his face to protest, "what?"

"Yeah that's all I want."

"That's all?"

"yeah."

Aaron gently plied Paddy's fingers from his arms, "You could have just said that."

Paddy didn't argue, keen to keep things calm, he dropped Aaron's arms and sat down in the chair next to him, "Yeah, sorry." He watched Aaron drop his head into his hands and start to laugh, "Christ, what's up with you Paddy?"

"Sorry, I'm being daft," he then looked towards Rhona and mouthed to her to call Cain and Chas, she nodded and quickly left the room.

Aaron laughed again; Paddy had seen him laugh more in the last hour, than the entire time he knew the lad,"I'll make you a bacon sandwich, just like you told Jackson."

Aaron looked towards the wall and blinked heavily, within a second his mood had changed.

"Aaron?"

"Ok."

Five minutes later and Paddy had the bacon in the grill, he'd made Aaron a coffee and found his other boot, Aaron had gone strangely quiet again and Paddy didn't know what this meant.

There was a gently tap on the door and Chastity and Cain Dingle walked through, they both had a look of apprehension on their face and Paddy smiled at them relieved.

"Hi," he began.

Chastity smiled broadly, "Hi," she then turned to look at her son, who had his head in his hands, "hello son, you ok?"

Aaron didn't respond and the three adults shared a worried glance, "Aaron?" Cain gently nudged Aaron's side and sat down in the chair next to him, this caused Aaron to lift his head, "Hi," he replied.

Chastity smiled again, "Just wanted to see how you were getting on, did you sleep well last night?"

Aaron nodded, "yeah."

Paddy coughed, "no he didn't," he felt a little bolder now with the backup, he was also aware that Rhona had left the house through the surgery with Leo, he didn't need to worry about the baby's presence.

Cain pointed to Aaron's clothing, "what's with the overalls?"

Aaron shrugged, "Was going to go to work."

Cain snorted, "not until you've had some proper rest."

Paddy waited for Aaron's response, earlier he thought Aaron would have kicked off, but now the lad's whole demeanour had changed, he'd gone back to barely registering is surroundings.

"Ok," he said and stood up, heading towards the stairs.

"Where are you going?" Paddy started, alarmed.

"I'm tired, I'm going to lie down."

"What about your bacon sandwich?"

"I'm not hungry."

Paddy sighed, as Aaron disappeared upstairs, both Cain and Chastity turned to look at him, "What happened earlier?" Chas asked

Paddy slumped into the chair, "I don't know but he wasn't like this," They both looked at him and motioned to continue, "he was bouncing around down here like he was on top of the world."

"I don't understand?" Chas raised an eyebrow.

Paddy sighed, they probably had to be here, "he was manic. He was tripping over his words and he couldn't focus on anything, then 10 minutes ago his mood dropped completely and I've struggled to get him to speak, I'm really scared for him"

"You think he needs a doctor?" Cain asked

"yes," began Paddy, but then his confidence faltered, "I don't know, he's just come out of hospital, maybe he just needs time to adjust, perhaps I'm just over reacting?"

Cain shrugged, "Rhona seemed pretty worried and she saw him as well."

"Yeah, she's taken the baby out, she wouldn't have done that otherwise," Chas agreed.

"No."

"Right," began Chastity, taking charge "he can't stay here," Cain didn't argue, but Paddy looked ashen.

"Paddy, you've got a baby now."

"I know."


	26. Chapter 26

"So, have been shown around properly?"

Jackson looked towards his doctor, the man was in in late fifty and had perfectly round glasses, every now and again he would bend his head to check his notes, when he did Jackson could see a perfectly round bald patch to match.

"Yeah, this morning."

Doctor Jacobs smiled, "and do you have any questions?"

Jackson shook his head, although the reality of it was that he didn't want to be here, but he'd promised his Mum.

"Jackson you can relax and you can say anything to me, it's all confidential."

"Sorry," Jackson cleared his throat, "this is all new to me."

"Of course," Doctor Jacobs studied him, "you know from your notes I expected someone a little different than you." Jackson raised an eyebrow, questioningly and the doctor continued. "It says here that you have difficulty controlling your anger, you're extremely defensive, you can be volatile and uncooperative and suffer intense mood swings." Jackson closed his eyes embarrassed, "It also says that you have no concern for your own well-being and refuse even simple care."

Jackson blew air from his mouth; he didn't know what to say.

"The nurses told me that you willingly ate breakfast this morning with no fuss, admittedly it wasn't much, but then considering how small your stomach has shrunk from lack of regular food, it's understandable." Jackson nodded, "So what's changed?" the doctor asked, "What's happened between yesterday and today, because I don't see the man described on this piece of paper."

Jackson knew that every word written on that piece of paper was true, and he hated this fact, he thought back to all the lectures he'd given Aaron on his behaviour and wanted to laugh, what a hypocrite he'd become, Jackson licked his lips, "I'm not crazy, and I've not had a breakdown – this isn't some miraculous recovery to mental health."

"No, and no one had ever thought that you have a serious mental illness."

"I'm just angry..."

"… and depressed."

Jackson narrowed his eyes, "I thought you said I didn't have a mental illness."

"I said not a _serious_ one."

"Right," continued Jackson, "I'm just angry and..." he didn't like to say the word, "depressed." He sighed loudly, "apparently though the people around me are not going to let me get my wish, so anger and refusing to cooperate seems pointless."

"And what is that wish?"

"You know what it is," Jackson rolled his eyes; "I wish I was dead."

The doctor leaned forward in his chair, "Is that what you want more than anything in the world?"

"Yeah."

"You sure about that?"

Jackson thought for a moment, "Well no, actually I want to have never of had the accident in the first place."

"But that's not possible."

"No," Jackson ducked his head sadly.

"Out of the two options would you rather - have a full filling life where you accepted your condition and continued to have goals and achievements and be happy or would you rather be dead?"

Jackson looked out of the window, it was a bright sunny day and he could see other patients wandering around, his eye's fell on one man, who it appeared, had no hands, he was laughing and joking.

Jackson took a deep breath, "The first option, I want the first one."

"Great," the doctor said leaning back, "Were going to help you get that."

:

Jackson wheeled himself into his room, keen to get some privacy; the day had been a bit of a whirlwind. He'd had therapy, then went to a nutritionist, who poked a prodded and draw up a lovely little diet sheet. He was also shown a list of the many activities he could undertake whilst there – but his first day had been so exhausting that he just wanted to be alone, the nurses had been happy to let him be, everyone seemed so understanding that it left Jackson a little nauseas.

He settled himself into his room and turned to his mobile, he'd promised to call Aaron again that night, their chat earlier being too short for Jackson's liking. It worried him that there was such a distance between them; it meant he couldn't keep an eye on the younger man.

Jackson called up Aaron's number and let it ring, the lad answered after the third dial,

"Hay," began Aaron.

Jackson frowned, Aaron sounded out of breath.

"Hay yourself, are you ok?"

"Yeah,"

"Why are you out of breath?"

"I'm running."

"Why?"

"Just cause."

Jackson shook his head, bemused, "What, for exercise? You never exercise; you don't even like walking anywhere."

He heard Aaron laugh, "Shut up you cheeky sod."

"Where are you?"

Aaron continued to take massive heaving breaths, it sounded like he'd been running for his life, "Just by the river, I was bored."

Jackson laughed; he wasn't sure why he was so amused by it all.

"Anyway," Aaron began, "enough about me how was your day?"

"All right, not much to tell, doctors are ok, nurses are ok, facilities are ok."

Aaron laughed, "let's hope they don't ask you for a recommendation once you leave."

"Nah, it's ok, just all a bit new."

"You eating alright?"

Jackson grinned, despite everything that had happened and even though most days he felt complete despair at his situation, one thing he couldn't deny was how much he loved that Aaron cared for him, "Yeah the foods not so bad here, they're giving me lots of small meals to try and get my weight up."

He felt Aaron pause, "And you're ok with all this?"

"Yeah."

"You'd tell me if you weren't wouldn't you. If you feel angry or upset you can call me at any time to off load, you know that right?"

Jackson closed his eyes, "I've done enough to you already."

"No Jackson listen," Aaron's breathing had evened out, "It's always you and me ok, us against life - remember?"

"Yeah, I know" Jackson smiled remembering that conversation, he really did love Aaron. "So what about you? Did you end up having that bacon sandwich this morning?" Aaron didn't respond straight away, "Aaron?"

"Yeah, yeah I did."

Jackson could sense by Aaron's tone that something wasn't right, "What's wrong?"

There was silence for a moment and then Aaron spoke, "They're all doing my head in, you know how they get, always fussing."

"They just care for you."

"Well they don't have to."

Jackson paused for a moment, thinking, he was aware that they hadn't really discussed what Aaron had done to himself, he had with other people but not Aaron directly, he didn't really want to do this on the phone but it would be a couple of weeks before seeing him, "_a__re you ok though_?"

"Yeah."

"Really, so you're feeling ok and you're alright?"

"Meaning?"

Jackson didn't know how to broach this, in the hospital; Aaron's behaviour had been so strange, it had shocked him out of acting so self-involved, "You know… _calm_?"

He heard Aaron snort gently, "don't you start as well."

"Why, who's saying anything?"

Aaron huffed loudly, "Paddy, me Mum, Cain, they have this crazy idea that I should move in with Mum for a bit."

"Why?"

Jackson could sense Aaron getting aggravated, he could her him clench his jaw, "I don't know! It's stupid. They said something about keeping an eye on me at all times and the baby needing some space, they've pissed me off- the lot of them."

Suddenly things clicked into place and it all made sense, "So you had a row?" Jackson asked cautiously.

"A small one."

"And that's why you were running?"

"No!" but Jackson knew he was right, "I told you I was bored."

"No Aaron, you've had a row and you've now run away!"

"Look I've got to go," the younger lad sounded panicked.

"Aaron!" but he'd already hung up the call. Jackson took a deep shuddering breath and called up Paddy's number, he answered immediately.

"Jackson, hi."

"Hi."

"Er, you ok?" Jackson could hear in Paddy's tone how troubled his sounded; he was also out of breath.

"Yeah this isn't a social call; I've just been on the phone to Aaron."

"You have, is he ok?" Paddy's relief was measurable.

"I'm not sure; you've had an argument haven't you."

"He told you?"

Jackson shook his head, "not really, I guessed."

"Jackson it was more than an argument, Aaron lost control, he was kicking and screaming, he trashed the kitchen - me and Cain had to hold him down."

"What!"

Jackson heard Paddy swallow, "he pulled a knife on Cain, but ended up cutting his own hand when Cain tried to get it off him!"

"Is it bad?"

"I don't think so but he ran off before we could check."

Jackson took deep steadying breath, he felt so angry, he should be there, not stuck in some useless body, "Aaron said he was down by the river, you need to head over there!"

"Ok, I'll call you when we find him."


	27. Chapter 27

Aaron was sat heavily against a tree trunk, he'd run out of energy some time ago and had stooped to catch his breath, unfortunately though, he now felt he couldn't get up again. He wasn't sure what to do, he'd just ran blindly and ended up past the river, this was when he felt dizzy and had plonked himself down. He knew he wasn't too far from the main road but felt confident he was hidden from anyone passing by – he didn't want to get found.

Earlier he'd lied to Jackson about eating the bacon sandwich, in fact he hadn't eaten a full meal since before going into hospital and the effects could be felt. Annoyed Aaron decided to stay put until he got another burst of energy, he looked at his phone for the time, it was 6.30 in the evening.

"Damn," he said quietly to himself, he then deliberately smacked his head back into the tree, on his phone he had 17 missed calls, people were clearly worried.

Aaron lifted his hand; it had turned pink from being stained with blood. Earlier when Cain had tried to wrestle the knife he'd cut Aaron, Aaron could see it wasn't deep but it wouldn't stop bleeding for some reason – probably due to him running. Aaron pulled up his sleeve over his other fist and pressed the fabric into the cut, he hissed and pulled back immediately – it really stung, he then lowered his fist again, more gently this time and when he got used to the pain, rested his head back against the tree, he then closed his eyes exhausted.

Aaron really didn't know what to do for the best, he'd argued with Paddy, his Mum and Cain earlier and he wasn't sure of their reception if he returned. It had been stupid really; they'd concocted some ridiculous plan that involved Debbie, Cameron and Sarah moving in to his Mum's place and him and his Mum moving to Debbie's. They'd assured him that it was only temporary but Aaron had laughed at the suggestion, they then moved on to tell him that he had a doctor's appointment in the morning and things had escalated from there. Admittedly he hadn't responded in the best way, he'd lost his temper and smashed all of the plates and dishes onto the floor and if he was honest, picking up the knife probably wasn't the smartest move he's ever made. Aaron sighed deeply, he felt so weak that he didn't think he could move even if he wanted to, but at least his hand had stopped bleeding. It was nice where he was sat anyway, he could feel the low sun across his face and he felt more peaceful than he had in weeks, he seriously considered staying there for the night.

Aaron's peace was interrupted by his phone ringing, it was Adam. Usually he would have answered, but he knew Adam was probably searching for him, Adam already thought that he'd lost the plot. Aaron cleared down the call and then rested his head back against the tree, he just wanted to sleep and forget about his strange day, seconds later the phone rang again, it was Adam. Again he cleared down the call. The third time it rang Aaron was tempted to throw his phone into the bushes, but then he wouldn't be able to get hold of Jackson, and that was all he cared about, he cleared it down and as he did two shadows fell across him, blocking the sun, he looked up and made out two familiar silhouettes, it was Cain and Adam.

He didn't say anything, there wasn't anything to say.

Adam was the first to react, he gently moved himself into a sitting position opposite Aaron and studied him carefully, "You alright mate?"

Aaron ignored him and looked to Cain; he suspected the man would want to batter him but instead of being angry, his uncle looked concerned, "I'm sorry about earlier," Aaron offered.

Cain crouched down in front of him, "It's alright, no harm done," Aaron frowned, his uncle was unusually calm, any other time he'd of taken a cricket bat to someone's skull.

"What you doing sat here?" asked Adam.

Aaron blinked, "I got tired, needed a rest. Seems like a good place to sleep now I'm down here."

"Or you can come back to the village,"

"Why should Debbie move out when I have a home already?"

Cain looked at Aaron, "It was just a suggestion."

Aaron dropped his head to his hands, he felt so week, he wasn't even sure he had the strength to speak.

"We have another idea now, what about you stay at Dale Head and your Mum can as well. There's plenty of room with Hazel."

"_But I already have a home_."

Adam and Cain shared a look, "Listen mate," Adam began, "You're not yourself and don't say you are because you're not." Aaron shrugged. "And there is a small baby in your house at the moment, and we need to think about him as well."

"But I've not hurt the baby"

"Aaron you pulled a knife on me earlier, you can't blame us for worrying about his safety."

That wasn't right, "no Cain," Aaron frowned, "I did that _after_ you all suggested me moving out, not before."

Adam looked at him incredulous, "Aaron that doesn't prove anything, it doesn't matter what happened when, do you think what you did was normal behaviour?"

Aaron shrugged again and closed his eyes, "You're worried about the baby? Fine I'll stay here."

Cain sighed heavily, "_or_, you could stay with Hazel, it's no big deal, you practically lived there before."

"Yeah, that was because Jackson was there."

Cain and Adam shared another look, people always seemed to do this around him, he decided to ask, "Why do people always look at each other when they talk to me? It's very obvious and annoying."

"Where just worried about you mate," volunteered Adam

"Well could you do it a little more subtly, please?"

Adam grinned and Cain caught his eye, "Truth is Aaron, were trying to figure out a way to get you into the car without you causing a scene."

Aaron looked at his uncle sombrely, "There's nothing wrong with me Cain, its Jackson who's ill not me."

"Prove it; get into the car with me and Adam."

Closing his eyes for a second, Aaron weighed up his options. He knew as much as the idea appealed, he probably shouldn't sleep by the tree. But then returning to the village would mean a return to all the unnecessary fuss, he remembered something his Mum said earlier; "I'm not seeing a doctor."

"Ok, let's just get you back to the village."

Aaron gritted his teeth, "I'm not seeing a doctor!"

"Fine."

"Fine," feeling assured, Aaron started getting to his feet, the weakness made it difficult though and he struggled as he climbed. Next to him, Adam stood up as well, matching his pace, he had his hands out and Aaron wasn't sure if it was to stop him from running or catch him if he fell.

"You ok?" Cain asked warily.

"Yeah," Aaron started laughing, "I haven't eaten for three days and it's just caught up with me." They both grabbed an arm to take his weight and shared another look, "That's the third look!" Aaron grinned stupidly "– people are gonna think you're in a relationship at this rate!"

"Let's just get you to the car."

:

Aaron was plonked heavily on to the sofa at Smithy Cottage and a sandwich placed into his hands, for some reason half the village were in his living room. His Mum was sat next to him and Paddy on the sofa across, Hazel was next to Paddy and Adam and Cain were leaning against the wall. Oddly, his Uncle Zak and Lisa were also there, he looked around the room warily, this felt like an intervention.

Paddy was the first to speak, "Rhona and Leo are going to stay with Hazel for a few days and your Mum is going to move in here." Aaron chewed on his sandwich and struggled to swallow it down, he needed a drink.

"and you've got one more chance Aaron, to prove to us that you don't need a doctor" his surrogate father continued.

Aaron looked around the room; he felt the audience size a bit unnecessary, it was like they were watching some bizarre drama, and were all holding their breath to see what the protagonist did next.

"Fine," Aaron shrugged.

Chastity raised an eyebrow, "Fine?"

"Yeah, can I go to my room now?" Aaron asked rolling his eyes.

Paddy and Chas shared a wary look; it made Aaron grin – if he had a penny for every time two people did that…

"Yes, you can."

"Great."

:

Later that evening Aaron lay in his bed with his phone next to him, he'd just had a tense conversation with Jackson. The older man hadn't been too impressed with his antics and had threatened to discharge himself from the hospital if he did anything else stupid. Aaron of course didn't want this; he had absolute belief that Jackson being there was the best thing and was looking forward to his healthy return, when they could be a proper couple.

Aaron suddenly felt his emotions rise, this happened a lot. Aaron always used to cry before they both ended up in hospital, mostly because he couldn't cope with Jackson's behaviour. But he didn't understand it now – Jackson was getting better, yet for some reason Aaron kept feeling these intense highs and lows.

Aaron curled himself into a ball, he felt sick and suddenly scared, everything was too hard and for the briefest of moments he wished that the Paddy had never found him. He then thought further back and realised he wished that Adam had never found him in that car a year ago, because then Jackson wouldn't be in a wheel chair now. Aaron gasped feeling completely overwhelmed; he couldn't stop the sudden massive sobs that consumed him, they tore through his body and he shook from their intensity.

He quickly heard footsteps pounding up the stairs and the door burst open, both his Mum and Paddy stared at him in shook, but he couldn't help it, he was so consumed by his grief that he continued to howl his tears, he couldn't see them, his vision was that blurred. They paused for only the briefest of seconds and then his Mum was with him, pulling him close. He clung to her for life, digging his fingers in her skin; he'd never done that before, not even when he was a child.


	28. Chapter 28

"There you go," Hazel pressed a fresh cup of tea into Rhona's hand and settled back into a chair, it was eight thirty in the morning and she'd just finished helping with the baby.

"Thanks," smiled Rhona, the baby was in his basket next to her and every now and then he'd make small noises, it made the two women smile in delight.

"I'll tell you something, I've never known a baby to sleep all night through."

"He doesn't normally; I'm usually up all night with him. I thought he'd be worse last night, staying in unusual surroundings."

"Perhaps he senses that we're all a bit stressed at the moment?"

"Maybe," Rhona grinned as she reached into the basket and stroked Leo's cheek, "Thanks for letting us invade your home – my son doesn't exactly travel light!"

"No worries- truth is I'm not use to being on my own. "

Rhona turned back to Hazel, the older women looked sad sitting in her chair. She'd noticed a long time ago that Hazel's exuberance had gone and now the women in front of her looked bone weary, "you feel lost without Jackson being here?"

"Yeah," she nodded sadly, "I should be happy, should be pleased with the break, he's been a right pain these last months – any little thing would set him off and it's been ages since I've felt comfortable in this house."

Rhona thought back to everything she had seen and heard. Jackson's behaviour had become monstrous, he was abusive and mean and was so consumed by his anger that Rhona dreaded making the effort. When they'd taken the baby around to meet him, he'd said horrible things about the Leo's Down syndrome, he'd invalidated his life and although everyone knew Jackson was really talking about his own it was still hard to hear, "It got really bad didn't it?"

"Yeah," Hazel pursed her lips together, "I don't blame Jackson though, imagine having to spend 24 hours a day with your Mother, you'd end up in a rage as well!"

She wasn't going to accept that, "don't blame yourself."

"I'm not. I'm looking to the future now."

"That's the spirit," Rhona reached over to grasp Hazel's hand and shook it reassuringly. Where Jackson was concerned everyone felt he had turned a massive corner, they were all trying to maintain positive, especially around Hazel, "have you spoken to him?"

"Yeah twice yesterday, he was a bit nervous in the morning as he was about to head to his first counselling session. To be honest Rhona, I couldn't believe that he went. He's refused point blank before."

"Seems like he wants to try."

Hazel took a deep breath, "one day at a time."

There was a slight rap on the door and it creaked open carefully, the two women looked up expectantly, they didn't know for sure who it was but they could easily guess. Rhona smiled when she saw Paddy, she'd not had much sleep the previous evening worrying about her partner and was glad to see him. He looked tired and worn, there were dark rings around his eyes and he'd not shaved in two days.

"Hay," Paddy smiled as his leant down to kiss the baby on the head, he dropped down onto Jackson bed afterwards allowing it to take his full weight, "how's everyone doing over here?"

"We're fine," Rhona reassured, "Leo slept well."

"Good, all this moving around can't be good for him."

Hazel disagreed, "babies are tougher than you think."

"Right." Paddy sighed heavily and rubbed his head, it made Rhona's heart ache to see the man she loved so down, she moved over to him and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, wanting to take away all his hurt, "how was it last night?"

For a moment it looked as though Paddy couldn't talk to them, he sat searching to find the words, eventually he shrugged, "Aaron was inconsolable."

Hazel and Rhona looked to each other surprised, "I don't understand," started Hazel, "he didn't seem too bad when we were there?"

"It didn't last, he started crying," Rhona watched Paddy pause and take a deep breath; he looked like he would start to cry himself. "I don't know what set him off but I've never ever seen anyone cry like that before. He was that upset that he physically threw up."

"Was it bad?"

"He's barely eaten anything so no, mostly he was just dry heaving but it took him hours to calm down."

Rhona tightened her hold, wanting to keep Paddy close, "How is he this morning?"

"Still asleep, Chas ended up sleeping next to him. You should see the tops of her arms, she has massive bruises."

"Why?" Hazel frowned

"Because Aaron clung to her for dear life, he was like a child; I've never seen him like this."

"He needs to see a doctor."

"Yeah."

Rhona wiped her hand across Paddy's forehead, trying to reassure him, "What do you think is wrong with him?" She then paused, thinking how daft her question probably sounded, but Paddy didn't seem to agree, he seemed to think it was a very good question.

"I'm not sure, I mean he's always been vulnerable, he's always reacts strangely to things. Even before now, he's trashed things, he's lost control and attacked people…" Rhona bit her lip, she knew that Paddy was referring to Aaron's attack on him, she been told one night when they were discussing why Paddy put up with his difficult disposition.

"… but there's more this time, I honestly think he's having some sort of break down," Paddy brought his fingers up to his lips and Rhona watched them shake slightly. He then placed a gently kiss to her forehead, "I'm sorry you and Leo have had to leave, it's your home it shouldn't be like this."

"Don't worry," she smiled back "it won't be long."

"No."

Hazel leant forward and sympathetically smiled, "can I get you a cup of tea?"

"No," Paddy sniffed and straightened himself, "I need to get back, Aaron will be awake soon.


	29. Chapter 29

Jackson felt terrible, that morning he was consumed with the familiar feelings of helplessness and now he wanted to be left alone. He'd woken at seven in the morning and outside he could see it was going to be a beautiful sunny day. He'd wanted to be out in the sun and try to regain some of the healthy colour he'd lost from refusing to leave the house and was imagining a day of sitting out, except things hadn't happened that way and at 8am he was still in bed, he now had two nurses bothering him.

"So can we get you up now?" said Nurse Carter, she was a short middle aged women with a big mop of curly brown hair, the other nurse in contrast was tall and willowy, she had short cropped red hair and was in her early twenties, Jackson thought she couldn't be older than him.

"No, I told you I want to stay here."

Nurse Carter leaned over him slightly, her large heavy breasts blinding his wide angled view, she reminded him of his mother, "Sorry love we don't serve breakfast in bed, unless patients are ill."

Jackson rolled his eyes and gritted his teeth, "fine, I won't have any breakfast then," he desperately wanted them to leave him alone now. Before when he'd woken all the nurses had been too busy to get him up straight away, there had been some sort of staff shortage problem and it was 7.45 by the time they were free. During this time Jackson had become increasingly agitated. This was what he was sick of – didn't they understand it? Didn't they understand that this is what his life had been reduced to, he couldn't even get up when he wanted, everything revolved around the time another person could give to him.

"Jackson you don't want to lie around in bed all day."

"No your right," Jackson heaved, "I wanted to get up ages ago! But you were too busy, why should I get up to your schedule, why do I have to do things when you tell me?"

The younger women looked at him nervously, Jackson realised that she was not yet a qualified nurse and maybe had yet to deal with angry patients, "I'm sorry," she started, "I don't know how to use the harness I've not been trained." In the old days Jackson would have been patient, he would have sat himself down in the waiting room and read some silly magazine to pass the time, but he didn't have that option now – he couldn't even turn a page. It depressed him that a person needed special training when dealing with him in even the simplest things.

"Really, I don't even get a nurse who know what she is doing - you can forget it you think you're gonna get trained using me as your dummy!"

Nurse Carter sighed heavily, "We are very short staffed today, this isn't something that happens often and it's not fair that you take it out on us."

"Yeah well I have to lie here until you can be bothered to come and help me – how's that fair! And then I get to plaster a great big grin on my face and thank you – we'll fuck you!"

He watched Nurse Carter pause, if she'd been offended by his language she didn't show it, "Fine, you want to lie here all day go ahead, I have other patients," she then walked away casually; however the younger nurse stayed by his bed and looked at him awkwardly. "What are you staring at!" he'd said loudly, trying his most threatening voice, he'd become very good at driving people away and had managed to do it to almost everyone he knew.

"I was wondering if you wanted anymore of your tea?"

Jackson looked down to the cup in her hand, she'd brought it to him half an hour ago and explained that the other nurses were a little busy, it was probably cold by now. He'd started off drinking it calmly but then very quickly become consumed with anger at her and every other nurse in the building; by the time Nurse Carter had arrived he hated every nurse in the world, "No I don't want your cup of tea, leave me alone!"

He closed his eyes and shuddered a sigh, he wanted to lie consumed in his anger, it was an old familiar friend and felt comforting. However through his lids he could feel the warm sun, as Jackson suspected it was definitely going to be a lovely day, he suddenly wished he'd let the nurses get on with getting him up.

"Jackson."

He scrunched his eyes up tighter and considered ignoring the voice, he knew it was Doctor Jacobs because of course they weren't just going to leave him alone, "Doctor," Jackson opened his eye a crack as he acknowledged him and watched the older man pull up a chair.

"What's going on?"

Jackson gritted his teeth, "No one has been available to help me this morning."

The doctor scratched his head, "You have two nurses here?" Jackson opened his eyes fully to see Nurse Carter had returned, she looked at him smugly.

"Yeah now I do, I didn't earlier – you do know I can't move don't you?" he said this sarcastically and rolled his eyes.

"Well yes of course we do, but a lot of the nurses have come down with flu so were a bit short staffed today, don't be difficult."

"Oh right so it's ok to abandon me?" If Jackson could have crossed his arms he would have, the doctor was speaking to him like a child and it was winding him up.

Doctor Jacobs touched the arm of the younger nurse, "I thought Nurse Butler came to sit you up and brought you a cup of tea."

Frowning, Jackson glared at all three of them, he'd now decided he hated Doctors as well.

"Did she bring you tea?" the doctor re-asked for clarification, rolling his eyes again Jackson sucked on the inside of his cheek.

"Well?"

"Fine," Jackson spat, "Yes she did!"

"Right so you haven't been abandoned?" Jackson suddenly felt like laughing, this was the process that he used to go through with Aaron to make him see sense. He remembered one morning in particular (before the accident) when they were sat in the cafe and Aaron had convinced himself that another random customer had shot them a dirty look because they were gay. Jackson had very carefully spelt out that the women in question didn't know they were gay and the 'look' was probably unintentional -whoever it was directed at, it had taken Aaron a while to get it but finally it sunk in.

"Ok, fine I wasn't abandoned."

"Can they get you up then?"

Again Jackson felt like a child, he thought back to his Doctor's words whilst he was in Hotten General about being an adult and making choices, "fine."


	30. Chapter 30

Aaron woke up feeling like shit, literally, if someone had told him he'd been dug up that morning he wouldn't have questioned it. He had a pounding headache, his eyes were red raw and he felt ridiculously nervous as well as horrified about the previous evening. He hadn't known what had come over him, he'd never cried like that before and he didn't think it was possible to throw up just because you were upset. Aaron stood at the top of the stairs aware that his Mum and Paddy and Cain were in the kitchen, he could also smell bacon and hear their casual chit chat, it should have been comforting but instead it unnerved him. He didn't know what to do, ideally he would have stayed in bed all day but he thought it would give them more ammunition to use against him; he needed to prove to everyone he was ok.

The stairs at Smithy Cottage had always creaked loudly and so it was no surprise when he made his way down the steps and rounded the corner that three sets of eyes were looking at him. The eyes were deceptively casual, it added to Aaron's unease.

"Morning love," Chastity began, she always had such a loud voice and that morning Aaron had to squint, hoping that somehow it would provide a barrier between the sound and his headache.

"Hay."

"I've made you some breakfast," Paddy plonked a plate down on the table and placed a coffee next to it, he motioned at Aaron reassuringly to sit, behind the table Cain leaned against the kitchen counter casually, he had a coffee in his hand and smiled at Aaron. This didn't make Aaron feel any better, Cain never smiled especially not at him and something felt wrong, he looked round the room unsurely.

"What's the matter love?" his Mum pulled out the chair in front of his breakfast plate, gesturing for him to sit.

"Nothing," he realised that being suspicious of Cain smiling was probably something to keep to himself, he was going to be on his best behaviour today and so sat down quietly, "thanks, for the breakfast."

"You're welcome," Paddy turned back to the hob and started serving up more food, along the counter Aaron could see three more plates which meant Cain was having some; this didn't make sense, why was Cain eating at Smithy?

Next to him, he watched his Mum take a seat, she smiled and then took a slurp of her coffee. He thought back to the previous night when he'd become upset, her and Paddy had sat with him for hours. They'd brought in a bowl because he was sick and in the end he heaved so much that he ended up twisting himself off the bed. They'd spent ages on the floor, with Aaron propped up against the bedroom wall and the whole time he never let go of her arm, needing that comfort. Eventually he calmed down enough to sleep and had woken at four in the morning to find his Mother sprawled out next to him on the bed, strangely though it filled him in rage, she had no right being a good mother to him when she hadn't managed it for the first eighteen years of his life. It had made him so angry that for a moment he contemplated kicking her off the bed.

The other plates were dropped onto the table and Paddy and Cain joined them were he sat, Paddy picked up his knife and pointed to Aaron's food, "You want to eat that before it gets cold." Cain and his Mum hadn't started yet, they were watching him instead.

"Ok," he picked up his fork; this seemed to give everyone else permission to begin eating and the other three started consuming their food. Aaron poked at his fried egg, the yolk instantly ran down the egg white and mingled with his beans, he hadn't meant for that to happen and it instantly put him off his.

"I'm sorry, I'm not really hungry," both Paddy and his Mum immediately put down their cutlery, Cain had been about to take a mouthful of food and he'd had to continue but pulled out his fork slowly, watching Aaron.

"Are you ok," asked Paddy, he rubbed Aaron's arm reassuringly.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine," he stared at Cain, who continued to eat even though he hadn't stopped looking at Aaron. Aaron couldn't understand it - Cain had_ never_ had breakfast at theirs, he'd never had tea either, something wasn't right and he felt a ball of panic start to form in his stomach. "What's going on?" everyone looked at him questioningly, "Why is Cain here?" all three of them glanced at one another and by now Aaron understood this signs clearly. Chas was quick to reassure him, "we just want to talk with you that's all and we just want breakfast first, ok son?"

Talk to them about what? Aaron didn't understand - there was nothing to talk about. He thought back to yesterday afternoon when they gave him his last 'chance' to prove he didn't need a doctor and he knew he hadn't done anything else wrong, there had been no arguing and no one had picked up any knives, "about what?"

Paddy's hand hadn't left his arm yet and he felt a squeeze, "it's nothing to worry about, and you really need to eat, we'll talk after," but by now Aaron couldn't help it, he felt overwhelmingly agitated. He'd spent the last few days alternating between bizarre emotional states, sometimes he felt as if his head was cocooned between two pillows and they restricted and slowed down his movements. When this happened, it took a long time for sounds to penetrate his mind and his mouth couldn't seem to process words. Other times he felt like he had an air bubble trapped in his brain, it reminded him of the level tool that Jackson carried in his van before the accident. It had a tiny glass tube filled with water and you could tell when something was level because a bubble would sit between two markers. Aaron could fill the formation of a bubble right then, and it moved around his brain as he rocked his head. It was small and made him feel weightless, the last bubble he'd experienced was huge, his feet hadn't felt the ground and it was right before he'd pulled the knife on Cain. Another side effect of the bubble was that it magnified sounds, he could hear the scrapping of metal on ceramic as his Mum placed down her cutlery and the clock that ticked on the wall was thunderous, even his own breathing sounded like a giant marble rolling around in his chest.

"Aaron?" Paddy's concerned face filled Aaron's vision and he blinked at Paddy's volume, he wanted to cover his ears and run upstairs.

"Aaron?" his Mum joined in, she took his other arm.

"What is there to talk about, why is Cain here?" Aaron thought he might be shouting, he couldn't tell over the volume of everything else.

"Aaron please just calm down."

Calm? Who were they to demand he stay calm, they weren't being honest with him and they kept glancing at each other. Aaron jumped up from his chair, desperately needing to get away; he didn't trust the look on their faces and could tell that they had planned something.

"_What do you want to talk about!__?_"

All three of them had climbed to their feet and clambered over to him, he retreated until he felt the hard wall against his back, all he needed to do was move a little to the right and he would reach the front door.

"Ok Aaron look, we just want to know how you're feeling that's all."

"I feel fine!"

"But Aaron you don't seem it," Aaron looked to towards the voice, it belonged to his uncle and was just as loud as the rest, "look at you."

"Get the hell away from me!"

"We just wanna talk!"

Aaron covered his hands over his ears "leave me alone!"

"Aaron!"

He needed to get away; they had almost completely advanced on him now, "I'm not seeing a doctor!"

"We never said anything about it!" but Aaron could sense the hesitation in Paddy's voice, he knew when his surrogate father was lying to him. Aaron quickly dashed for the door but his uncle was quicker and had moved to block it.

Aaron felt the bubble in his brain expand, he couldn't feel anything anymore and was completely weightless, all around him voices were screeching and he didn't know what to do. Blindly he kicked out, he knew that his limbs connected with something but he didn't know what and he became aware of Cain and Paddy grabbing him but there was no sensation to match, Aaron just continued to thrash. Eventually he could see he was free however Cain was still blocking the door, he was trapped.

"Aaron!" his mother was screaming now, and shaking, she had a small cut on her lip that hadn't been there before, he turned to look at his uncle and notice his nose was bloodied. He gasped for air, overwhelmed and suddenly he couldn't breathe, that was when he noticed that the stairway was clear and before he had chance to form a second thought he was clambering up it. Behind him he was aware of feet following, they sounded like an army of horses.

He needed somewhere safe and the bathroom was the only room with a key, once safely inside he looked the door. "Aaron open the door!" almost at once hands started banging; the noise was so terrible he thought his ear drums might split.

"Come on Aaron, please."

Again Aaron struggled for breath, he couldn't cope. He Mum and uncle were hurt, how did that happen? Was he responsible? He needed to think but the noise was unbearable, everything needed to calm down but he couldn't focus because of the bubble. Aaron leant heavily against the bathroom sink and lifted his head, he looked into the mirror that hung above it and stared at the reflection; he didn't recognise what he saw. The lad staring back had a full beard and dark rimmed and blood shoot eyes; he looked pale and was far skinnier that he'd ever been before. Immediately Aaron was aware of a strange sensation and was suddenly convinced that the face peering back at him was not his own, he felt complete dissociation. Aaron jerked back in shook, he knew it was his face, he was sure of it – wasn't he? No this was the bubbles fault, he needed to burst it somehow but he didn't know how.

"Aaron you need to open this door!"

Aaron didn't even pause as he smashed his head into the glass, shattering it as he did. The bubble immediately burst and he felt slightly dizzy. He sat on the edge of the bath tub to regain his breath and slowly around him Aaron became aware that the noise had returned to a normal volume. He touched his fingers to his forehead, when he pulled back they were covered in blood.

"Aaron, Aaron talk to us!"

:

"Just say something Aaron!" Chastity repeatedly banged on the door and next to her Cain was desperately trying to unscrew the hinges, hoping that it would make it easy to get the door off. Paddy had his ear to the door, trying to listen in, "come on we just want to know your ok."

It was no use, they'd heard a series of crashing sounds followed by a smash and then everything had gone silent, they'd been trying to coax Aaron into unlocking the door but so far he'd failed to even respond, they feared he was seriously injured.

"It's no use, we need to get help, that lock on the door is too good!" Cain was interrupted by his mobile ringing, he pulled it out of his pocket and answered when saw it was from Debbie, "I can't talk right now!"

"It's Aaron."

"What!"

"He's just stolen a car!"


	31. Chapter 31

"Hello Jackson." Jackson internally groaned and closed his eyes, he wasn't sure if he could cope with another 'chat' with everyone's favourite doctor, "Hi."

"Are you ok?"

"Fine," he wanted to outright ignore Doctor Jacobs but decided it would probably take more energy so instead gave a quick short answer, hoping it would discourage any prolonged conversation.

"What are you up to?" Jackson lulled his head and glared at the man next to him, talk about a stupid question, it was clear what he was doing, he was sat in front of a large bay window looking out at the hospital grounds.

"Nothing I'm just sat here."

"Why are you sat inside, I thought you were keen to spend the day in the garden?"

If Jackson could have shrugged he would have, unfortunately for him nonverbal communication wasn't as easy as it used to be, "I changed my mind." He watched the Doctor lean against the window sill and prop his head back against the glass, his mannerisms were casual but Jackson didn't trust it, he knew the nurses and told on him again, "so earlier when you were annoyed with the nurses for not getting you up – that was pointless."

Jackson didn't want to argue, he felt as if all the anger had left him and now he was just an empty shell, he just wanted to sit and look out of the window, "Yeah I'm sorry."

"Nurse Carter said you didn't eat any breakfast."

He knew that this was what the latest little chat was about and it made him feel so low that he couldn't even lift his head. This was how the rest of his life was going to be, every little decision he did or didn't make would be discussed and analysed and then a resolution would be found – he was now a resolution to be found.

"The nutritionist said you need lots of small meals if you're going to get your weight up."

"Yeah, sorry."

Jackson could feel Doctor Jacob's eyes on him, studying his demeanour; he knew how down he looked because it matched how down he felt, his earlier confrontation with the nurses had left him feeling hollow and he couldn't see the point anymore. This whole hospital vacation had quickly become sour and now he desperately wanted to leave.

"Jackson, what have you done this morning?"

"Not much, the nurses got me up, the nurses got me dressed."

"And you've been sat here since?"

"No I went to give my mum a call and spoke to her and then I gave Aaron a call but he didn't answer."

"So, in the 2 hours since I last saw you that all you've done?"

"Yep."

The Doctor watch him silently, Jackson could almost hear the cogs turning in his brain – trying to figure out his next move, "What do you intend to do this afternoon?"

Jackson breathed out, he didn't have a clue and had not given it a single thought, "I'll go back to my room and try calling Aaron again," he was hoping that it would shut the doctor up, "in fact that's what I'm going to do now." He pressed his head back into the head rest to activate movement but the Doctor quickly put his hands out to delay him.

"Before you do I want to show you something."

"Like what?" Jackson looked at him warily.

"It's no big deal, I just want to take you to the library and show you the activity board. There might be something you want to get involved with?"

"I know where the board is, they showed me yesterday morning."

"Yes but I bet you've not read it – come on what have you got to lose?"

Jackson sighed and closed his eyes, "I really should give Aaron a call – I need to check he's alright." He really did, they'd not spoken since the previous evening after Aaron had been brought back to Smithy Cottage, he'd lost it, pulled a knife on Cain and run off after they'd tried to talk to him. Jackson had been out of his mind with worry until his mum rang to say he was safe and then this morning she said Aaron had slept soundly with no further disturbances, she'd explained that Rhona and Leo were now guests in his house but that everything was ok. Despite the reassurance Jackson felt his mum was keeping something from him.

"Twenty minutes of your time, that's all I'm asking and then I'll leave you alone." He could hear the pacifying tones in the Doctors voice and knew it would be easier and quicker to comply, "Ok."

They made their way to the hospital library, Jackson couldn't remember where it was exactly as yesterday's tour had been a bit of a whirlwind and so he followed the Doctor whilst patiently joining in with his friendly silence filling conversation, Doctor Jacobs sounded so genuine that it made him want to vomit. The whole way there Jackson was thinking he wasn't entirely sure of the point; he wondered if he was going to be made to sign up to something and then forced to go.

They paused in front of the board and Jackson noted how organised it was – no sign over lapped the other and each was typed rather than hand written in big bold letters, this was probably for people like him who couldn't get up close to the words. Each note also had corresponding braille; Jackson knew that there were a few blind patients - as this was a military hospital it was probably a result of a bomb going off in someone's face.

"Well Jackson, anything that takes your fancy?"

He rolled his eyes bored and looked up pretending to read; didn't the Doctor see how pointless this was? Why wouldn't anyone get that he was knackered? That he just wanted to lie down and have a very long sleep and preferably not wake up, "no not really."

"You haven't even looked properly."

"I have and I'm not interested, I'm sorry."

"Ok," the doctor sucked on his bottom lip, Jackson felt terrible because the man was truly trying to reach out to him, but there was no point he was a lost cause.

"How about reading? Do you like to read?"

"I can't turn a page."

This animated Doctor Jacobs and he quickly went over to one of the computer terminals that lined the walls, "But everything's available in digital format – you just need to ask the librarian to download it onto a pad and you can take it away. Maybe go outside and read in the sun?"

"Look I know what you're doing and I appreciate you trying to help me but please there's no need."

Doctor Jacobs stared at him, "So what are you going to do?"

"I think," Jackson took a big breath, they both knew they were heading towards this point and he felt his eyes begin to tear up, "Actually I know I would like to go home."

"- to ask your boyfriend to help you kill yourself again?"

Jackson closed his eyes tightly; he would never ask that of Aaron again, not after what he had seen it had done to him, "no."

"_but you a__re going to find a way to die__ aren't you_?"

"No." but it was a lie because there was no way that Jackson would admit that this was exactly what he intended, he didn't know what the repercussions would be, "I just want to be at home."

"Jackson," his Doctor pulled up a chair and sat in front of him, he spoke delicatly, "I'm not sure that you will be allowed home."

"Why, I'm here voluntary?"

He reached out and patted Jackson arm, "Yes and you can leave here anytime but I'm not sure that social services will allow you to return to your Mothers care."

"What?" Jackson took a steadying breath, he didn't understand.

"You'll be considered a vulnerable adult."

"Because I'm in this chair?" He felt the tears from earlier building in his eyes, making his vision blurred.

"No because you incited someone to help end your life, they will need to be sure this doesn't happen again."

"How are they going to do that?"

"You'll be assessed, and your Doctors here will be asked to give their recommendation."

Jackson felt a sinking feeling in his stomach, he blinked away his tears and raised his eyes, he could see the Doctor shift uncomfortably in his chair. Jackson could barely form his words, he was that scared of the Doctor's response, "you're not going to recommend that I should go home are you."

"No," Doctor Jacobs matched his gaze, "I believe that if you were to return to your home you would find some way to end your life."

Jackson smashed his head into the back of his chair, he felt the familiar feelings of rage filling him, but he couldn't lose it, he couldn't risk giving anymore any ammunition, instead he took deep steadying breaths, "I would like to be alone please."

"Jackson what's happened within the last twenty-four hours?" Doctor Jacobs wasn't about to give up and emplored him to speak, "only yesterday morning you were sat in my office telling me that you wanted help, what's changed?"

"Leave me alone."

"You are going to take two step forwards and one back – that's normal –"

"- go away."

"-and what happened this morning with you not being able to get up straight away – I know you were confronted with your own lack of independence but it's just one small part of your life."

Jackson felt so strained that he knew he head was shaking from the pressure, he stared into the distance, "I will tell you one last time – I want to be left alone."

His doctor relented, "before you make any last decisions, please come and talk to me," but Jackson didn't respond, he just continued to stare until he was aware of the Doctor sadly shaking his head and moving away.

Sometime later Jackson still hadn't moved and he was aware how stupid he looked sat in the middle of the Library, not reading a book, not looking at the notice board and he didn't care. Around him people continued with their day. A blind man was reading the braille. A woman in a wheel chair was moving up and down the aisles trying to find a book; if they'd noticed his earlier interaction with the Doctor then they'd not reacted. It was funny, mused Jackson, how insignificant his problems were to these people. On the table nearest to him he noticed the man with no hands who he'd spotted outside yesterday morning, he had a book and was trying to turn a page with his stumps, he was failing miserably. The man was in his thirties and Jackson could hear him muttering under his breath, every now and then he caught a swear word.

"It's Jackson isn't it?"

Jackson moved his head slowly to the sound, next to him stood the librarian; she was a woman in her forties and had large black glasses framing her small face.

"Yeah," he wasn't sure why he was even bothering to respond.

"The Doctor asked me to keep an eye on you and you've been sat there for ages not moving."

Jackson licked his lips, "I'm trying to decide on the best course of action."

She smiled at him and revealed a row of perfectly white straight teeth, she had an air of mother earth about her and Jackson could imagine the women sat doing yoga in her spare time, "What are your options?"

"I'm not sure."

"I'm Jenny," she pulled up a chair and sat next to him, "Ok so what would you like to do then?"

Jackson knew what he wanted to do, he wanted a heart attack or to be hit by a bus or to be shot by a crazy mental patient hell bent on murdering the doctors that sectioned him, "I don't know."

"Well," Jenny thought for a second, "You're in a library, why not read a book?"

Her answer seemed too simple and it made Jackson genuinely smile, he found it funny that something so straight forward could possibly be the best course of action.

"Do you like to read?"

Jackson paused; he did like to read and when he was a kid he was rarely without a book. As he'd grown up it had fallen to the wayside and this was mostly because he was busy doing manly things like playing football and getting drunk and generally trying to do anything that made sure his mates didn't realise he was gay. It was stupid really because of course straight people read as well. He had realised pretty soon that there was no point because he was gay no matter what activities he undertook and he'd told his mates. Strangely though the book reading had never rematerialized, not like when he was a child.

"Yeah I was always reading when I was young."

"What was your favourite book when you were a kid?" Jackson shot her a look.

"Humour me."

"Of Mice and Men," Jackson could answer straight away because he read it about ten times as a child and never got bored, it was even part of his GCSE reading list and he'd got a A* in the paper he had to write for it.

"Really?" the librarians face lit up, "there are a few people reading that here, their studying it for the GCSE English."

Jackson narrowed his eyes, "there are school kids here?"

"No, some of the patients left school without any qualifications and joined the Army straight away, there seeing this as a fresh start."

Next to him, the man with no hands struggled to turn another page, Jackson wondered if he was studying also.

"Other patients are doing their A-levels and we have one woman who is studying for a degree."

Jackson blinked heavily; he didn't know what to say.

"Do you want me to download a copy of _Of Mice and Men_? You might as well start with a fond memory."

Again Jackson blinked, he couldn't help but think over her words, "sure why not," he then smiled his second genuine smile of the day, "maybe I'll take it outside to read."

She'd happily downloaded the story onto a pad and attached it to the arm on Jackson's wheelchair and in turn he'd headed to the gardens. It didn't take him long, by the end of the first chapter Jackson was re- hooked.

:

**Hi everyone, you might all be wondering where this is going but a conclusion is in sight - thank you to everyone who is still bothering to read**


	32. Chapter 32

"So tell me more about his moods."

Chastity sat fidgeting uncomfortably; she didn't want to be there - she wanted to be out looking for her son with Cain instead she was on the couch at Smithy Cottage with Paddy. She felt horribly nervous and anxious for Aaron and now the police were on the lookout for the car he'd stolen from the garage, she didn't know what would happen next and it filled them her dread.

She heard Paddy clear his throat, "It's been since he tried to kill himself. One minute he'll barely respond to you the next you can't get him to listen."

"Ok," A Doctor was sat opposite them taking notes as they spoke. Before this latest incident they'd asked for someone to come and pay Aaron a visit but he'd run off before the Doctor arrived. Both Chas and Paddy were desperately scared for his mental state and they thought if he'd seen someone at home then it might make the young lad feel marginally better. They were wrong and completely mishandled the situation. When Aaron had come down the stairs that morning Chas, Paddy and Cain could clearly see how agitated he was and that was before they'd even said anything. They'd calmly tried to get him to eat something and thought that by acting normal everything would be ok.

"Can you elaborate?"

"There are times when it's as if he has no idea anyone is even in the room, you can't get him to speak or move and it's really worrying but the majority of the time he's in this manic state and that's worse."

"Manic?" the doctor asked encouragingly.

"He can't get his words out or focus his eyes on anything and he's running around the house like he can't decide what to do."

"And he's agitated?"

"Yeah," confirmed Paddy, "We can't get him to calm down, sometimes he's screaming at us. This morning he behaved like we were going to attack him."

Chastity closed her eyes; she couldn't believe they were talking about this. She didn't know how to handle her wayward son at the best of times but now she felt like an utter failure. Earlier Aaron had been panic stricken; he thrashed around wildly hurting both her and Cain in the process and then ran away by climbing out the bathroom window. They'd been there trying to coax him out and had only realised he was gone when Debbie called to say he'd stolen a car.

Immediately they'd raced to the garage to find Debbie in a complete panic, the usually unflappable girl in turmoil for allowing her cousin to leave but she didn't know how to stop him. Aaron had turned up agitated and screamed at her that he needed a car and before she knew it, he was tearing up the garage looking for the set of keys for the vehicle she was working on in the forecourt. It was in pretty bad shape and there were doubts it would get very far and so immediately Cain had jumped into his car and gone looking, his only lifeline was that Aaron had possibly broken down outside the village.

"What did he do exactly when he thought you were going to attack?"

She heard Paddy take a big breath, clearly not wanting to say what he had to, "he lashed out, kicking and punching…" Paddy quickly reassured them, "But it wasn't deliberate – he was just panicking."

"Ok."

"And…"

"…and?"

Paddy glanced at Chastity apologetically but she knew he had to be told, "and yesterday he grabbed a knife."

The Doctor looked at the pair sombrely, "did he threaten you with it?"

"No, not directly he was just waving it around frantically; Aaron's Uncle managed to get it off him."

A Police Officer was also in the room and sat next to the Doctor on the couch, it was his responsibility to stay with the family in situations like this but he'd been mostly silent once the Doctor turned up, allowing him to ask the questions. It had been an hour before they'd decided to call the police. Chas and Paddy were hoping to avoid him being arrested, they knew that Aaron was seriously ill and felt it would be ten times worse if he was picked up by them. Eventually though when there was no sign of him they relented and fearfully rang them, knowing it was for the best. The officer leaned forward and delicately spoke, "has Aaron been diagnosed with a mental illness?"

Both Chas and Paddy looked at each other hesitantly, "no," began Paddy unsurely, "but he has tried to kill himself before."

"Do you think that there is a chance he's going to try it again now?"

Chas looked at the police man alarmed, she hadn't considered this, all she'd known was that he wasn't thinking clearly, "I… I don't know."

The Doctor was quick to reassure her, "Generally when people with an illness are in their manic period they don't deliberately set out to kill themselves, it's during the depressive cycle that they try it."

Next to her Paddy pushed his glasses up and sat up straight, "Is that what you think – do you think he has that bipolar disorder?"

"I can't know anything unless I asses him."

Chastity thought back over the recent years, Aaron had always been up and down but they'd never considered he could have a mental illness, she found it had to believe now – surely this was just a reaction to everything he'd been through.

"No," she wouldn't believe it, "this is because of Jackson."

The Doctor quickly looked down at his notes, "Jackson is the boyfriend?"

"Yes."

"He gave Jackson an overdose didn't he?"

"Yes at Jackson's insistence," Chastity implored, "this is what I mean – he's been through so much in his life that it's just caught up with him."

The Doctor shifted uncomfortably as if something had occurred to him, "do you think he's glad that the suicide attempt didn't work?"

Chas didn't know where the doctor was heading with this line of enquiry; hadn't he said it was unlikely Aaron would try another attempt? Next to her Paddy snorted humourlessly, "Aaron doesn't care if he lives or dies as long as he's with Jackson."

"Is Jackson happy that it didn't work?"

A sinking feeling submerged into the pit of Chastity's stomach, she suddenly got it, "no", she said slowly, "as far as I know he still wants to be dead."

"And Jackson's in a hospital?" the Doctor confirmed this pointedly.

"Yeah."

"And where is the hospital?"

"London."

"Does Aaron know the address?"

Chastity closed her eyes tightly, "Yes."

"Do you think he could be heading there?"

In that second she knew 100% that this was exactly where her son was heading, she wanted to burst into tears, "Yeah that's where he's gone."


	33. Chapter 33

Jackson watched the nurse scoop up a spoonful of soup and slowly move it towards him, she was doing it with an unnecessary amount of care and he could see how uneasy she was. Jackson could understand why, it was the same nurse that had brought him his tea earlier when no one was available to get him out of bed and he'd been pretty awful to her, which was no surprise because he was awful to everyone. The funny things was that she sort of stuttered when asking him what meal he'd wanted, Jackson didn't know if he was proud that he could intimidate her or ashamed of himself, he didn't want to dwell on it.

She'd kept giving him awkward glances like she wasn't sure if she should look him directly in the eye, Jackson wanted to laugh at her – he thought she was pathetic, if she couldn't handle little old him how was she going to deal potential senile geriatrics who run around hospital wards naked or drunk thugs who turn up in A&E. Jackson wondered how far into her training she was, and he would have asked except he didn't want to look interested.

"Not too hot for you is it?" Jackson wanted to roll his eyes, it was such a silence filler question and a bad one because he'd already had several spoonful's and hadn't been screaming for water.

"It's fine."

"Good," silence descended between them again and it was really uncomfortable especially since around them the other patients were happily chatting to one another as they consumed their food.

"Do you like this taste?" he just blinked her.

The nurse gave him a small smile, she looked around desperately "see you were reading earlier -," internally Jackson groaned, he was only a quarter of the way through the soup and he couldn't cope with any more of this inane chatter.

"- and you were sat outside as well, it's nice weather today," in that moment if he could, he would of tipped the bowl over her head, but then if he could actually do that he probably wouldn't be so angry and want to do it – catch 22.

"Ok, fine!" Jackson said loudly – it was almost shouted and caused the nurse to jump slightly although she still managed to keep all the soup onto the spoon. He took a deep breath as the nurse watched him, even Jackson who hadn't shown manners in months knew that when someone mentioned the weather it was a desperate scramble at conversation and serious interception was required - he couldn't let the girl dribble on anymore.

Jackson blew air out of his mouth, "Nurse Butler," he began, "how far into your training are you?"

She looked at him cautiously as if she thought she was being set up for something.

"I'm showing genuine interest here and it's been a while since I've done that so I'd soak it up if I were you."

It was then that the nurse gave a lovely little coy smile, considering how nervous she seemed Jackson didn't think she had it in her, "I knew you weren't as bad ass as you try to make out."

Jackson raised his eye brow, 'bad ass' was not a phrase he expected to hear from the young women. She fed him another spoonful and then sat back in her chair, "almost a year."

"You like it?"

"Yeah, except for difficult patients." She looked at him pointedly, but Jackson could see the mirth in her eyes – maybe she wasn't the scared little rabbit he thought she was. He gave her a short sarcastic glare but otherwise ignored her comment, "You from London?"

"No Canterbury, I moved here to do my degree."

"Right," the nurse looked at him and smiled.

"Just so you know I'm gay- so don't think this is me coming onto you."

Her smile widened, "have some more soup."

:

Jackson wheeled himself back into his room feeling sleepy – this was probably due to the food he'd consumed, it was strange now because he couldn't tell when he was hungry and equally couldn't tell he was full. Even after nine months he struggled with the complete dissociation his head had with his body and at times he'd found himself overwhelmed and would freak out. He decided that now would not be one of those times and instead concentrated on needing to call Aaron. He was really worried about the younger man, his strange behaviour was becoming more and more bizarre and Jackson knew that Chas and Paddy were having a chat with him about seeing a doctor this morning, he didn't know how it would go but figured a call from his boyfriend could help convince Aaron.

Jackson pressed his head back into his chair and closed his eyes, he needed Nurse Butler to fix his phone to his chair and she'd promised to be along in 20 minutes to help him, all he had to do was wait, he scoffed to himself miserably – now he found himself always waiting – for food – a shower- someone to open a door – getting a drink from a bar. He was always waiting.

He sighed loudly, really Jackson should have spoken to Aaron earlier but no one had answered his call and then that annoying Doctor had dragged him to the library, which in turn led him to parking himself in the shade and reading a book. He begrudgingly admitted to himself that he'd enjoyed the process but wasn't about to vocalise it, they probably knew already. He could imagine a whole bunch of doctors peering out the window and watching him, beaming with pride at getting the tetraplegic kid to do something productive – especially that Doctor Jacobs. A funny image popped into his head of the Doctor going around hugging and high fiving everyone, it made Jackson want to puke.

Jackson figured he had about 10 minutes before the nurse would get there and decided he would stew in his own misery until then, he sat alone appreciating the quietness of the room - it helped when concentrating his self-loathing. Quietly though, behind him Jackson was pulled from his musings by a small noise coming from the bathroom at the end of his room, Jackson lifted his head and raised his eyebrows, "hello?" it was probably a cleaner. No other noise followed but Jackson _knew_ there was something there; his other senses had been heightened since the accident.

"Hello?" still no answer, Jackson manoeuvred his chair around and cautiously moved towards the room, he could now hear someone breathing.

Jackson knew that something wasn't right and then suddenly imagined that it was the crazed patient he'd wished for earlier. The one who'd turned up to get revenge on the Doctor who sectioned him but inadvertently murdered Jackson instead. Jackson didn't think he would be that lucky, as everyone kept reminding him - this wasn't a psychiatric hospital.

"I know someone's there –" he moved towards the noise by now feeling there was a real chance of danger but really not giving a damn about it and rounded the corner, "It's best when everyone involved knows there playing hide and se …."

Jackson stopped, widening his eyes in shock. The lad was sat on the floor leaning against the wall, his legs were tightly drawn to his chest and his arms wrapped around them. Jackson swallowed hard, there was a large wound to his forehead and blood stains covered every visible inch of his skin. The lad was shaking, he looked at Jackson with wide eyes and licked his lips as his head lulled around slowly, placed next to him was a massive shard of glass, covered it blood. The crazed patient had arrived and it looked like he was going to get his wish after all.

"Hello Jackson."

"Aaron."


	34. Chapter 34

"Aaron, what –" Jackson trailed off, he couldn't comprehend what he was seeing and was sat stupefied. Aaron awkwardly climbed to his feet, his whole body quaked and he looked unsteady.

"I'm sorry, I know I was meant to see you next weekend, I came early – I'm sorry."

Jackson didn't know what to say – his brain wouldn't catch up. Aaron was here, his Aaron and he was covered in blood, he could now see that the majority of it was coming from a large gash on his left arm that was still bleeding, "Aaron…your… your bleeding."

Aaron looked down as if he hadn't been aware and then raised his left arm to his face examining the source, "yeah," he muttered slightly surprised and started absently wiping at the blood as if it was a spill that had gone down his shirt.

"We need to get you some help."

"No I'm alright," Aaron dismissed his suggestion like it was daft; he kept sucking on the inside of his cheeks, "what's the hospital like?"

Jackson shook his head quickly trying to clear it, "It's alright," he desperately search his brain for the right thing to say, Aaron seemed really agitated and didn't want him to panic further, "how'd you get here?"

"Car."

"You drove?"

"yep."

"How'd you know where I was?

Aaron grinned at him peculiarly, "Your mum gave me the address the other day, had your room number as well."

"Of course," Jackson's mind boggled – how on earth had Aaron managed to wonder the hospital without anyone seeing the state he was in? "You talk to anymore coming in?"

"No, it was really quiet, no one around really."

"Right," it was lunch time, most staff were in the canteen and wouldn't have spotted him wandering, which meant no one would be searching for him, Jackson wasn't sure if this was good or not.

"You're not annoyed are you?"

"No."

"You sure?" Aaron's body trembled and he looked at Jackson worried.

"No, I'm always happy to see you."

Aaron smiled again, "good," he then moved awkwardly towards him, leant down and give him a kiss on the lips, when he pulled back Jackson could feel the wetness of blood on his cheeks. He looked down to see the cut on Aaron's arm in more detail, it was huge and Jackson noted the rolls of blood slowly seeping out of it, he wondered how much Aaron had lost already.

"How did you do that?" Jackson asked motioning towards the wound. Aaron brought his hand to his face and started rubbing furiously, he smiled embarrassed, "locked the keys in the car when I stopped for petrol, I had to break in."

"Oh right," he glanced towards the large piece of glass on the floor, Jackson could see by its thickness that it belonged to a car, "Why'd you bring it with you?" he tried to say it with an air of casualness.

Aaron eye's remained fixed on the shard, he looked at it confused and scratched his head, "er..," he began unsurely, if Aaron had a reason then he'd clearly forgotten, "Just cause," he shrugged.

"Ok," Jackson continued to look at Aaron, it overwhelmingly terrified him that Aaron was in this state and even through everything that had happened, he'd never for a second considered that this would be the outcome. He looked into Aaron's eyes, they seemed glazed over in spite of how much they darted around not settling on anything, he seemed exhausted and pale and weakened.

"You don't look well; we should get someone to check you out."

"No!"

"You're bleeding a lot."

"I'm fine," he wiped at the blood as if it proved his point.

"Aaron –"

"No, no please, it's fine, please," Aaron quickly wrapped his arms around Jackson, "We're ok, just you and me we're ok."

Jackson squeezed his eye tightly, he could feel the panic raising, and he didn't know what to do. He feared if he went for help Aaron would run off and yet if he did nothing Aaron would collapse from blood lose.

"Told you I'd only be twenty minutes –" Jackson froze at the sound of Nurse Butlers voice, he felt Aaron go ridged against him, "Jackson you in here?"

Aaron uncurled himself from Jackson and started backing away, his features twisted into a terrified panic, Jackson didn't know if he should call out to the nurse or not. Aaron continued to move away, he was like a caged snake tightly coiled. Jackson watched him bend down to pick up the glass.

"You don't need that –" Jackson called out without thinking.

"Jackson?" he heard the young nurses gentle footsteps approach.

"I'm fine!" he called back urgently, hoping she wouldn't enter the bathroom, he wanted to alert that something was wrong without telling her - hoping she'd go a get someone. He doubted she'd handle a psychotic man welding glass as if it were a sword very well.

"Jackson what –" her sentence died on her lips, he turned as much as he could to see her face and noted the terror in her eyes.

"Go away!" Aaron yelled, he had the glass held out in front of him like a shield.

"No Aaron it's fine ok, she's a friend."

Aaron looked at him liked he'd lost his mind, he waved the glass erratically, "Friend?"

"Yeah," he swallowed hard and looked back at her, "this is Aaron, my boyfriend." he watched her face carefully and noted the look of comprehension, all the staff were well briefed about individual patients and they all know his history.

She let out massive steadying breaths, "Aaron hi, I'm Catherine."

Aaron continued to stare at her, "get out!"

"It's ok, you're bleeding and I can help you" she tried to be calming but the tremor in her voice betrayed her.

Jackson thought back to yesterday, when Paddy said that Aaron pulled a knife on them, he had a horrible feeling that the nurse could get hurt, especially if Aaron was backed up against a corner. "Catherine," Jackson swallowed hard, "You go, it's fine," the nurse looked down startled and Jackson nodded his head, there was nothing she could do by standing there – they needed help, "really, me and Aaron haven't spent any time alone for ages, so please its fine."

She looked him in the eyes and Jackson tried to stare at her reassuringly, "Ok," she said slowly and backed out of the bathroom as casually as possible, Aaron dropped the glass to the floor and started breathing heavily in relief, "thank you, I don't want anyone else here," he leant down heavily against the bathroom sink and pressed his forehead to the rim of the basin.

"You ok?" Aaron looked half dead and Jackson almost wished he'd collapse otherwise he didn't know how this would end.

"Yeah, just feel light headed."

"You want to sit down?"

"No."

Jackson chewed on his lips, aware that he had to do something quick before she returned with other people. He looked down at the large piece of glass, if only he could get it away from Aaron before more people returned, he desperately tried to think but knew he needed functioning limbs to do things like that – he felt like crying at his own uselessness.

Then Jackson had a thought – if he rolled over the glass, it would be harder for Aaron to reach and certainly give someone the chance to grab him. Aaron had stayed motionless against the sink and so Jackson took this opportunity, he cautiously moved his head back to activate wheel chair movement, ready to move forward,

"Shit!" Aaron's head jerked up, "Shit."

"What's wrong?" Jackson halted his movement.

"She's gonna bring someone back."

"No –" but Aaron had already picked up the glass and darted past him into the main bedroom area. Quickly Jackson rotated his chair to face Aaron and watched him dart around the room desperately.

"Aaron it's ok."

"No it's not, I stole a car."

Jackson blinked heavily, "What?"

"From the garage, from Debbie – that's how I got here."

"It will be ok."

Aaron clasped his head in a complete panic, "No it won't, oh shit, oh shit." Jackson watched him circling the room hurriedly looking around; "Aaron it will be fine!" He seemed to spot something and ran to the edge of the room. There was a heaving looking chair in the corner and Jackson knew what he intended even before he dragged it over to the door.

"I won't let anything happen to you," Aaron ignored him and began fixing the chair beneath the door handle. Through the glass window Jackson could see into the hospital hall as several Doctors and Nurses run towards them, immediately Doctor Jacobs started banging on the glass as he struggled to open the door.

"you can't come in!" Aaron screamed in a complete frenzy, Jackson closed his eyes – he felt sick, this wasn't happening.

"It's Aaron isn't it?" Doctor Jacobs called through the glass.

He clasped his hands over his ears tightly, "Leave us alone!"

"Aaron please," begged Jackson hoping to reach the younger lad, Aaron halted and spun round to look at his boyfriend, his face twisting in grief, "I did this for you!"

"What?"

"I don't want to let you down."

Jackson looked at him confused, "with what?"

"I fucked up last time."

"What?" Jackson felt the fear rise.

Aaron couldn't focus his eyes, "I won't mess up this time, I'm gonna help you properly I promise," he was shouting now.

Jackson voice went really small; he was scared to ask for the clarification, "with what?"

"You wanna die – I'm gonna help you die!"

Jackson froze looking at Aaron, the piece of glass sat on the floor between them, Aaron was gonna help him – he was going to get what he wanted. He blinked heavily, "You've come here to help me?"

"Yeah," Aaron sagged slightly, "I shouldn't have messed up like that, I'm sorry, I'll get it right this time," he'd stopped yelling.

"With what?"

"The glass," Aaron bent down and picked it up, "It's really sharp." he spoke calmly, like they were having a normal conversation.

All the blood drained from Jackson's head until he felt like a floating entity, "How?"

Aaron shrugged, "It's really sharp, I can cut your wrists if you want?" Jackson looked at him in shock, this was messier than he wanted, but then the ends justify the means. He looked around the room and noted the blood everywhere, there were even blood footsteps and wheel tracks – Jackson didn't have a clue how Aaron was still conscious.

"Look see –" Aaron dragged the corner of the glass across his arm near the other wound and Jackson watched fresh blood gurgle from his skin.

"Aaron!" Aaron didn't even react to the pain – he must be a numb as me, Jackson figured.

"It's alright, see? I'd do anything for you – you know that right?" Outside a voice was calmly calling to them, Jackson knew it was Dr Jacobs but couldn't register the words.

Jackson sucked in a deep breath, the last time he'd agreed Aaron had ended up in A&E as well – he didn't want that, "are you going to hurt yourself as well?

"No, I promise you I won't fuck it up again." He studied Aaron's face; he seemed genuine or at least as much as possible considering he was in the middle of some kind of psychosis.

He couldn't believe it, this was it – he was finally getting what he wanted, he'd been moaning on about it for long enough and now it could finally happen. Jackson looked towards the door; people were trying to get it open and failing but they might eventually exceed – Aaron would need to block the door further, otherwise they might end up saving him again.

Before him Aaron stared franticly, he skin was so darkened by blood and his eyes so wild that he looked like strange mythical creature, "_We need to do it now Jack__son_."

Jackson took a deep breath, this is what he wanted - he _could_ let Aaron do this, "Aaron …," he paused, Jackson couldn't believe he'd was saying these words, "I… I can't let you do it."

Aaron's brow furrowed, his jaw clenched and his head shook from the tension, "Why not? This is what you want and I'd do anything for you!"

Tears formed in Jackson's eyes "look at you – look what I've done to you, I can't be responsible for hurting you anymore."

Aaron shook again, "no, no I'm fine, this isn't about me – I won't be selfish this time."

"It's me who's been selfish."

"I don't understand!" Aaron started pacing backwards and forwards, shaking his head as he did, "_you've asked me again and again for weeks_!"

"I know and I'm sorry!"

"I've come here for you!"

"I know," the tears were streaming down his cheeks blinding him.

"You're just saying no for me."

Jackson looked at Aaron, he could barely see him through the tears, he didn't know what to say because he thought it was probably true. His eyes dropped in despair and fell onto the pad that was fixed to his chair, on the screen was the story he'd started reading, 'of Mice and Men'. Jackson snorted, the whole situation was so horrendous that he felt like laughing, he just couldn't comprehend that he'd caused it, "the best laid plans of Mice and Men…" he trailed off

Aaron shook his head fiercely, "what?"

The title was taken from a famous poem by Robert Burns – 'The best laid schemes o' mice an' men' was the actual line – it had been written in 1786 and Jackson had loved both poem and book. They were about intentions that don't go to plan and it seemed fitting that they should mirror his and Aaron's life now.

"Jackson, I'm sorry ok, I'll put things right, I always mess up but not this time."

Suppose Aaron is right, thought Jackson – say he did want to die and he was just trying to spare Aaron the pain?' It didn't matter because he'd be dead soon, he wouldn't feel guilt - everything he wanted could happen right now and all he had to do was say yes and it would all be over, above him Aaron stood shaking – his beautiful crazy Aaron, who he loved more than anything in the world.

He blinked, focusing and un -focusing his eyes - if this did happened then he'd never feel Aaron's love again. "Aaron," he began slowly, "If I die – I'll never see you again," the realization hit at once and he sat stunned for a second, he'd not considered this before. Jackson gathered his wits and then nodded toward the pad on his chair, "and I'll never have finished this book for the 300th time."

Aaron looked at him confused.

"I'll never be able to do anything like sky diving again or cringe at my Mum on the karaoke." He was actually saying these words and meant every one of them, he felt bizarrely elated.

"I don't understand"

"It's ok, I've changed my mind," Jackson's head jerked in shock, he was dumbfounded, "I've… actually changed my mind"

"What" Alarm spiked on Aaron's face.

"I don't want to die" he moved the unfamiliar phrase around his mouth, concentrating for a second on how it sounded "I really want to stay here and get better," Jackson felt like crying he was so overwhelmed.

"Why are you saying this?"

"Because I mean it."

Massive tears boiled up into Aaron's eyes, he looked around confused as they spilled down his cheeks and his whole body started convulsing, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Aaron doubled up, he looked like he was about to be sick.

"No Aaron, I'm sorry – It's all my fault not yours –"

"No!" Aaron started crying; he dropped to the floor as his face trembled in grief.

"It's ok." Jackson didn't understand, didn't Aaron want this? He tried being reassuring; he never wanted to hurt Aaron again.

Aaron was sobbing softly, he kept speaking but Jackson could barely make out the words through the thick tears, he wanted to reach out and hold him close, "talk to me," but Aaron continued to feebly whimper out his barely eligible words.

Behind the window the hospital staff were watching, Jackson didn't know if they'd heard their conversation, he looked at them and swallowed hard, somehow they needed to get in. Dr Jacobs caught his eye and looked at him reassuringly, "Aaron," he began slowly even though he was looking at Jackson, "we need Jackson to try and move the chair – is that ok?"

Aaron hiccupped a large sob but otherwise didn't make a sign that he'd heard, Jackson had never seen him in so much despair. He'd gone quiet and was now lying on his back, he looked weakened from blood lose and Jackson feared he could die unless he received help soon.

"Aaron can I try?"

Aaron blinked heavily, his eyes were no longer as frantic and he looked as though he was about to fall asleep, "it wasn't meant to be like this," he murmured as more tears ran slowly down his cheeks.

"Like what?"

He spoke softly and Jackson strained to hear Aaron's words, "we were meant to both die, I would come here and help you die and then I was going to die and you wouldn't have to be you anymore and I wouldn't have to be me."

He _knew_ Aaron would have harmed himself again, "but it turns out that I still want to be me..."

"Yeah," Aaron swallowed hard, his eyes rolled slightly into the back of his head, "but I don't want to be me," Jackson held his breath; he feared that Aaron might reach for the glass again; "I'm tired of being me Jackson."

"I know."

"I hurt people."

"No you don't."

"And people hate me."

"I love you."

"And I'm so scared every day."

None of this was new to Jackson, he'd figured it out a long time ago, "I need you to be you and I need you to be here with me."

Aaron raised his head weakly; he alternated between looking at the glass and looking at Jackson. Jackson's worry spiked but then he doubted that the younger man could move if he wanted to, "why do you love me?" Aaron asked this so sadly and it make Jackson feel breathless.

"I just do."

Aaron dropped his head back down to the floor, "I'm so tired."

"I know you are, I'm going to try to budge the chair, ok?" he didn't respond, "Aaron?"

"Ok."

"When I get the door open they'll be lots of people in the room, but they only want to help you so I need you to stay calm."

"Ok,"

"I love you."

"I love you too."

:

**Hi people, I hope you liked this chapter – it took me ages to write as it was so difficult and it needed it to have conviction. The story's mostly over now but there will be an epilogue.**


	35. Chapter 35

**So this is the end. The story really finished in the last chapter but I wanted you to know how the boys are got on, I know a lot of you love Aarson. I hope you've enjoyed reading it as much as I have writing. I would really truely appreciate some feedback.**

:

"Right," called Hazel cheerily from the kitchen in Smithy Cottage, "we've got sandwiches, sausage rolls, a selection of crisps and…" Jackson winced at his mother's chirpy tone; she loved a get together and used any excuse to go all out.

"…and a cake."

"Mum!"

Hazel rounded the kitchen door and stood proudly with a massive chocolate cake perched in her hands, on the top little silver edible balls spelt out 'WE'VE MISSED YOU' in large bold letters, Jackson knew this was a mistake – he shouldn't have put her in charge of the food.

"I said no fuss."

"It's one thing…"

"It's fuss!" Jackson stared at his mother pointedly, "the cakes fine but take off the message."

"I can't, Pearl made it – she'll be upset if she found out we removed it."

Jackson rolled his eyes, "Why did pearl add the message?"

Hazel looked at him gingerly and a smile crept onto her feature, "well… I might have asked her –"

Jackson took a deep breath, if he could he would have touched his face to his head as it shook in amusement, as exasperating as his mother was he could completely understand her exuberance – today was a big day, "You've got to take it off – let's not make this a bigger deal than it needs to be – he needs to feel as stress free as possible -."

Hazel pursed her lips together, "alright, alright."

"- and when I come into that kitchen there had better be a moderate amount of food on the table!"

On the floor Rhona was changing Leo's nappy, she'd been quiet throughout their exchange but Jackson could see the massive grin on her face, even while she cooed over Leo, "You're lucky Jackson, your Mum was going to buy a piñata in the shops yesterday, I talked her out of it…"

Jackson glared at his mother.

"you know me… never do things by half…"

Jackson took a steadying breath, he was really nervous today and his whirlwind of a mother was adding to his stress, not that he could be mad at her, it was wonderful to see her smiling so freely again. There'd been a point where the women was constantly on egg shells and the first month of him leaving the hospital had been difficult for both of them. She struggled to adapt at having a son that no longer shouted at her for the smallest of reasons and he'd tried to put everything that the doctors had helped him with into practice. It wasn't easy for either of them and they had social workers dropping by constantly to help with the transition.

He'd been discharged from the hospital mid-August, in the end only staying for 8 weeks and it was the best thing he'd ever done. They'd helped with techniques to deal with his anger and listened to him when he felt overwhelming despair at his situation, it had taken time but felt better than he had since his accident. He was still having therapy as an outpatient but was now looking to the future – sometimes it left him breathless when he thought how far he'd come.

Of cause the road to salvation had been littered with tragedy and he'd paid the highest price he could imagine with Aaron. Even now when he thought back to that day in the hospital it made Jackson feel sick, he closes his eyes and sees Aaron covered in his own blood, desperately screaming as the Doctors tried to open his room door. Jackson had always considered himself a good person who put others over himself but after seeing what his selfishness had done to Aaron, he could no longer be sure.

Jackson was interrupted from his thoughts by a squirming lump that was placed in his lap, he looked down to see Leo smiling up at him, his tongue kept poking out between his lips and he looked utterly adorable,

"Leo, tell your brother in law not to look so worried." Jackson grinned towards Rhona, appreciating the gesture. It had taken them a while to fall back into the easy banter they used to have before his accident especially after all the awful things he'd said when her and Paddy tried to introduce the baby to him, "I'm fine."

"Well tell your face that."

"I'm just worried for him."

"I know, but this wouldn't be happening if everyone didn't think he was ready."

"Yeah,"

Today Aaron was coming back to Emmerdale for the first time since he'd been sectioned, it was a trial to see how he coped with the real world and everyone knew there was a lot riding on it. If it went well he would be allowed home for the Christmas week and then formally discharged in the New Year.

"You don't seem convinced?"

Jackson cocked his head towards Rhona, "No, I'm just worrying, don't listen to me."

He knew that Aaron was doing well because he'd seen the progression for himself, at first Jackson had visited him in the Yorkshire psychiatric hospital once a week, then when Jackson had been discharged from the London hospital it went up to a few. In the beginning Aaron would be in a complete hysterical panic every time and he'd beg and plead to be taken home, it had taken the Doctors a while to figure out the best combination of medication and so it had been nearly a month before Aaron could sit unaccompanied by a nurse.

Once they'd sorted his medication, Aaron was mostly quiet. He barely remembered the suicide attempt and had no memory of the events during the following days; Jackson could see that it left Aaron terrified.

The Doctors hadn't been able to give a definitive diagnosis but they believed Aaron's breakdown was a combination a things. His upbringing had left him with abandonment issues and low self-esteem; he had a naturally nervous disposition (something that he'd hid behind a hard man act for years) and the post-traumatic stress from helping his boyfriend's end his life had accumulated in Aaron's behaviour. No one knew if this was a one off or something that could happen again and as a result he would be medicated for a while yet.

All Jackson knew was that his own life was looking a lot brighter, Aaron was on the right track and that he never wanted to be in the same place he felt 6 months ago, His Doctor in London – Dr Jacobs would constantly say that life was precious and at first Jackson had wanted to punch him in the face, but looking down into the big beautiful eyes of Leo, he knew fewer words could be so true.

And Jackson didn't know what the future would hold for him and Aaron now, they'd talked a lot and they'd agreed that they were both young and the chances of this lasting forever were slim and Jackson had to except it as fact. It had taken Aaron a long time to be able to comprehend this though, the younger lad having an unshakeable belief that he was worthless without Jackson, it had taken time but now he knew Aaron was with him because of love and that was the only reason he should be.

Hazel suddenly squealed eagerly, "there here -."

Jackson head shot up excited yet apprehensive, he'd been waiting for this for months.

:

"We're home,"

Aaron walked behind Paddy as the older man's words penetrated the kitchen room, both he and his Mum had gathered his stuff from the car – not letting him carry anything and eagerly gestured for him to go in, Aaron had held back – he'd not stepped into Smithy Cottage in almost 6 months and it had made him feel nervous. He'd watched Paddy and Chas look worriedly towards him and then Paddy had understood and winked at him before entering, for whatever reason Paddy acting as a slight shield helped his courage and he'd followed him in.

Paddy dropped down Aaron's bag and this revealed the sight of the kitchen table – it was full of party food.

"How we doing?" Aaron looked up to see to Hazel grinning at him excitedly.

"Alright," he gave a half smile at the food and swallowed hard, "you throwing a party?" the thought of seeing lots of people made him uneasy.

"No don't worry," Aaron heard the familiar noise of Jackson wheel chair as it ran up the ramp and into the kitchen, he smiled genuinely when he saw his boyfriends soft brown eyes, "We asked her to sort some sandwiches for when you got back – she got carried away."

"Wouldn't be a first huh?" acknowledged Aaron.

"Don't be cheeky. You gonna give me a hug or what?"

Aaron wasn't sure he wanted to; he was already feeling uneasy at being the centre of attention, but this was one of those things that he'd been working on whilst on hospital and so he might as well put it into action, Aaron rolled his eyes, "If I have to…"

Hazel gently took him into a hug and he suddenly felt a bit emotional, he couldn't believe he was here as it had taken him long enough. He pulled away not able to look Hazel in the eye and behind her noticed Rhona and the baby, Leo was so big now – he'd missed so much.

"Aaron why don't you go into the living room and I'll bring a cup of tea," Paddy must have sensed him feeling a bit overwhelmed and Aaron felt grateful.

"That go for me an all?" Jackson asked eagerly with mirth in his eyes, Aaron still hadn't said a proper hello and he was desperate to have a moment alone with his boyfriend.

"Yeah, if I have to -"

Aaron then settled onto the couch and Jackson parked his wheelchair next to him, "Nervous?"

Aaron smiled slightly and nodded his head.

"How much?"

He looked back at Jackson pointedly, this is probably what it would always be from now on – people will expect him to open up and confide in them. Aaron couldn't blame them – a large part of his problem is due to his inability to understand that he needs and to ask for help. Aaron gave a gesture that demonstrated a tiny amount, "Not too much."

"You gonna give me a kiss then?"

"yeah."

:

A few hours later the pair had escaped from Smithy Cottage and were sat on a bench outside the playground, Jackson had suggested it and Aaron had sort of wanted to go and everyone one thought it was a fabulous idea as long as they stuck to the rules. They currently had this weird little arrangement where Aaron had to tell his Mum or Paddy where he was at all times and when he would be back, his Doctor thought that this was a good idea. They also had a schedule drawn up so that Aaron knows what's going to happen when – apparently it would help to avert any anxiety, Aaron didn't care - he still wasn't quite at the stage where he trusted his own decisions and was happy to go with the flow.

"You have no idea how much I missed you."

Aaron grinned, "you saw me two days ago."

"It's not the same."

Aaron had to agree, they'd not been properly alone in months. Jackson's condition meant either Paddy, his Mum, Hazel or Adam had taken him and even when they left them alone there was always some orderly or nurse in the backgrounds, making sure that no patient blew their lid.

Even now the first few days after the suicide were blurry to Aaron, he could remember the suicide attempt but waking up and everything after still wasn't clear to him, he'd have a flash of memory – being sick in the hospital – waving a knife at Cain – Doctors and Nurses crowding around as they gave him a blood transfusion, but couldn't put them in sequence. The Doctors said it may never completely come and not to let it worry him, it was common in times of acute stress not to store memories. Aaron first recollections started weeks later and coincided with his medication kicking in, slowly and quietly he'd felt himself feeling calmer, "I've missed you too,"

"You're not feeling too stressed are you?"

"Don't worry; I have a thick coating of drugs to prevent that," Jackson eyed him and Aaron laughed, "I'm fine – see I can laugh can't I? That's got to be a good sign."

"Yeah."

"So anyway enough about me how's collage?" Aaron watched Jackson's eyes light up as it always did when they discussed his return to school.

"It's good, I'm finally getting used to the software I use to write the essays and we sorted out the Dictaphone issue."

Aaron smiled, "You glad that your Mums stopped going too?"

Jackson groaned loudly, "The women is a nightmare. We're currently reading twelfth night and she kept joining in with the discussions – I make Joe come with me now."

Aaron laughed again, in particular to how normal everything was for Jackson now, he was doing his English A' level – with the intention to do his degree after, Hazel was driving him crazy – in a good way and Jackson had reemployed Joe - as it should be.

"I told Mum that if she was that interested she could enrol in a class herself – just not in my one!"

Aaron shook his head amused; one thing he could vaguely remember in his crazed state was Jackson in his hospital room going on that he needed to live so he could read some book again and again. Aaron had never asked Jackson about it as it didn't seem too important, but it sort of explained his desire to go back to school.

He made a big sigh and looked around the village, he suddenly recalled doing the same the day he'd helped Jackson, even now it didn't seem real. Sometimes he struggled to believe that this was his life and not some horrible dream, at times it overwhelmed him.

Next to him Jackson sensed his unease, "Is this too much too soon? Maybe we should back?"

"No I'm fine."

"Aaron you're shaking."

He was as well, he didn't realise until Jackson pointed it out and he made a deliberate effort to stop, "its ok," since his breakdown he'd seemed to develop this weird slight shaking – it would come and go and could last up to a few hours, during this time he could barely hold a cup steady.

"We should go back."

"No it's fine."

"Aaron –"

Aaron turned to Jackson and grabbed his hand reassuringly, "Jackson I promise you I'm ok. I'm not pretending."

Jackson cocked his eyebrow.

"Ok fine, so I'm anxious as hell, but that's not going to go away by hiding at Smithy Cottage is it?"

"Ok."

A couple of minutes later Aaron heard a familiar voice call out to him, "Alright lad!" He looked up to see Cain and the rest of the Dingle Clan heading to the Woolpack, they were about 50 metres away and immediately changed course to head over to him.

"Hay," he'd seen them all over the last 6 months when they'd come to visit him, Cain in particular came every week and each time smuggled him in a burger from McDonalds.

"Were not meant to see you until tomorrow between 11 and 2.30 – your Mums showed us the schedule and everything." Cain was saying this sarcastically but Aaron knew he understand why everything was so organised.

"How does he feel to be back love?" Lisa asked reassuringly and Aaron was aware that everyone was focusing on his answer, it was after all really important that the next 2 and a half days go well – otherwise he didn't know when he'd get back.

He must have taken too long to answer because Cain was suddenly crouching down in front of him, concerned, "Aaron?"

"It's nice to be back," Aaron quickly answered, sometimes he could only imagine how he looked to the outside world; the other week Paddy had told him that every now and again a look would fleet across his face that alarmed everyone. Aaron didn't know what it was but it was always enough to panic people.

"Good to hear it lad," and his uncle Zak clapped him on the arm reassuringly, Aaron could see their collective shoulders sag in relief at his eventual answer – there was not going to be a sudden meltdown, "You coming to the Woolie?"

Aaron hadn't considered he would be going in there this weekend and it hadn't been scheduled, "er…"

Jackson quickly cut in, "He shouldn't be drinking."

"Nowt says you have to have beer."

Aaron was unsure, he looked towards Jackson to make the decision, but Jackson wasn't playing ball, "It's your choice," he licked his lips nervously and Cain studied him, "You're gonna be with family – we'll look after you."

He took a deep breath for courage, "Ok, let's go," when he thought about it he was actually looking forward to it.

"Good, "I'm gonna call your Mum, the last thing I need is her bending my ear."

They made their way inside and although Aaron was nervous – he was also excited, it was a real sign that things were moving on, In the last 6 months his only social life was when Adam would come to see him and bring a DVD.

Diane was behind the bar, as cheery as always and for some reason most of the village were in the pub, he vaguely wondered if there were any new faces, Diane smiled at him and Jackson, "It's nice to see you both together."

Aaron gave a half smiled and looked to Jackson embarrassed at the attention, "And it's always nice to see you Diane," he wondered at Jackson's happy disposition, there'd been a time when he thought it would never return.

"Aaron!" he turned to see Adam clambering other the other bar occupants with a massive grin plastered across his cheeky face, "I'm meant to be coming to see you later." Adam wrapped his arms around Aaron in a huge hug, when he pulled back he kept his hand resting on the back of Aaron's neck.

"Thought I'd save you the hassle."

"Ah bless you," Adam studied Aaron face for a second, "So you're good?" Aaron knew that Adam would want a full in depth conversation about how he was feeling when they were alone, he had appointed himself Aaron's guardian angel.

"I'm good," and it was true, ok so he felt horrible anxious and the shaking hadn't completely gone away, but despite this he did feel good.

"Oh I should have known!" Aaron winced at the sound of his Mother voice, she was pretending to be annoyed but Aaron could see by her face that she was ridiculously proud, "I knew it wouldn't take you two minutes to get Aaron into the pub." She waged her finger at Cain but he just rolled his eyes. Paddy and Hazel followed her through the entrance door along with Pearl, Edna and Alan – they all smiled at him and it seemed he was going to be re-introduced to the village in one big hit.

Both he and Jackson were ushered to a table and two cokes were plonked down in front of them, Aaron immediately lifted Jackson's to his lips, he smiled whilst Jackson sipped through a straw, "this is nice me looking after you."

Jackson drooped the straw and raised his eyebrow, "yeah well don't get used to it, the days of caring for me are over – you've got to look after yourself now remember."

Aaron shrugged, "I know." And he was going to as well, it was hard and a constant struggle and this was because he didn't value his own life. Whilst in hospital he was made to make daily lists about what was so great about himself, at first he could only write that he had Jackson but now the list was getting longer and included things outside of their relationship and he found it easier to believe. He now understood that he was a worthwhile individual in his own right and that he couldn't justify his existence through the man he loved.

"I'm dead proud of you Aaron."

Aaron rolled his eyes.

"What?"

He said nothing and instead leant in to give Jackson a gentle kiss on the lips, when he pulled back Jackson's eyes sparkled at him.

"You two want any crisps," Cain interrupted as he shouted loudly from the bar, Aaron looked up as various people turned their way.

He was now the centre of attention, but this was ok, everything was ok. He took a deep breath, "You want any crisps Jackson?"

"I'll share a bag with you if you want?"

Aaron grinned, "Yeah that would be good."

**THE END**


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